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Question
Posted by: jack | 2010/05/27

moms bad state after relationship

Hey doc,

I am worried about my mom who recently came out of a bad relationship were the guy completely dominated my her. She was hurt very badly and now that the relationship is over my sister, brother and me are reunited with her but shes different:

The guy is really sick and he''s in a new relationship and my mom keeps on talking about them, she speculates about their relationship saying stuff like their so happy etc and Ill tell her there is no way because that guy is so sick.

She also keeps on talking about him and she KEEPS on telling me how evil he is and she was very painfully hurt by him. I, with my rational perspective know that this guy is a monster.

My problem is, my mother irritates me, shes pathetic and keeps on moaning about this whole affair, I am supportive but I also have issues that I need to deal with and it feels like shes been going on about this for ever! They''re both working at the same place so I can imagine how difficult it must be for her.

I''ve suggested therapy like Cognative behavioural therapy or something but then she tells me it helps by talking about it but I really wonder if does ...

The other new thing that I notices about her is she has to explain everything, like for eg why she tripped an fell —  and also she talks about people very negatively, like people she doesnt know.

What can I do? What advice should I give? Or should I just listen and hope it goes away? I feel sorry for her she was already cheated by her two husbands and now this, how much can she take?

Please help,

Regards!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

So, she may not be in physical contact with the nasty guy, but by no means has she PSYCHOLOGICALLY left him, and it soudns as though she keeps him psychologically present much of the time. She may feel a bit better for repetitively "talkin about it" but as you've noticed, this is NOT therapy, and she sounds like she's just spinning her wheels in the sand.
If this is esentially the third time this has happened to her, it would be really valuable for her to see a proper, CBT-type therapist, both to resolve this specific episode, and to develope self-protection against it happening again. .

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/05/29

So, she may not be in physical contact with the nasty guy, but by no means has she PSYCHOLOGICALLY left him, and it soudns as though she keeps him psychologically present much of the time. She may feel a bit better for repetitively "talkin about it" but as you've noticed, this is NOT therapy, and she sounds like she's just spinning her wheels in the sand.
If this is esentially the third time this has happened to her, it would be really valuable for her to see a proper, CBT-type therapist, both to resolve this specific episode, and to develope self-protection against it happening again. .

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