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Question
Posted by: wild thing | 2008/06/11

Mom wants to live with us.

I am a family member of 7 children, two girls & 5 boys.
I am married and 47 yrs of age.
Our mom is 80 yrs old and lives in a garden flat with one of my older brothers. She keeps wanting to visit my sister and I and says she does not want to live in the flat anymore. My husband is not happy about this and in a way neither am I as she is a heavy smoker and not one of us smoke. Am I being unreasonable/unfair/wrong by thinking this way, if not how do I approach her about this matter?
Please assist
Many Thanks
Wild Thing

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

old but not cold's response makes a whole lot of good sense, especially, amongst other understanding and helpful replies. As Me says, find out what problem she is having with the garden flat --- is there conflict with your brother, something wrong with the flat, or is she, aware of her frailty, scared to continue living on her own ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: TP | 2008/06/12

I love my kids with every beat of my heart.I make sure they get all the best I can give them.When its cold I make sure they are warm,when they are hungry I feed them....but if they are gonna listen to their wives and abandon me,I will die a very sad woman.When ur mother raised u,she was alone,where was ur husband....today he knows what to say abt ur own mother,who took care of u while ur stll small,now u side with ur husband???I think that is very cold,rude and unthankful of u WILD THING!!!Think twice,this woman carried u for 9 full months,and did not abort u but today this is ur thank u!!!!!!Shame on u....

Reply to TP
Posted by: T | 2008/06/11

my personal experience... my late dad lived with us, nursed him for a couple of years. i have three children, aged 4,8,12 more or less when he first moved in. he was a heavy smoker aswell. i would not have done it any differently. if i had to, id do it all over again. my mom has gone on holiday, now im charge of looking after grandpa 90 and greataunt92 lol. i love it

Reply to T
Posted by: Lady man | 2008/06/11

Children are not on this earth to look after their parents. We did not ask to be here. I think according to tradition it is the resposibility of the daugters to look after the parents.

Reply to Lady man
Posted by: olive | 2008/06/11

well, that is a tricky one, not wanting to stay with your own mother because she smokes...

why don`t you and your siblings rotate staying with her, or pay to have her stay in an old age home then you take turns to go visit here.
At least there she will be around people the same age as her. she will not feel lonely or unwanted.

Reply to olive
Posted by: Me | 2008/06/11

Just please, whatever you do, dont push your mom aside because of your husband, she is old and she needs you. Find out why she no longer wants to live in the garden flat, if its something you can fix, then do it. If not, then maybe you all can take turns to have her live with you, after youvespoken to her about the smoking (which I think all of u are just using as an excuse anyway...shame on you if Im right). Women tend to brush off their parents easier than men do, because if the roles were reversed, and it was his mother, he would take her in, whehter she smoked or not, and whether you liked it or not. A man would much rather ship you out before he refuses to help his mother, women can learn from that and take a stand for their parents

Reply to Me
Posted by: old but not cold | 2008/06/11

Hi wild thing, Love your name!

I can really relate. I am 48 years of age. married 25 years, Currently my mom is living in our garden flat, her age is 77. I only have one brother.

there are 2 sides to the story as I see it. We have always had either my husbands parents or my parents live with us. My husbands parents have both died and recently my father has passed on as well so the only one left now is my Mom.

As our parents get older, they get more needy, more lonely and their thinking is not that rational any more. We on the other hand are also pushing that clock and our space and privacy is very precious as well.

if your Mom is healthy and well, would it not be an option to let her go to each of your brothers and sisters for say 2 months visits but with the proviso no smoking allowed in the house. this is as much for her health and yours. It is after all your house and she is a guest in the home. If she thinks you are unreasonable or don't love her or don't want her you have to be very firm and that is not easy. But one can say it in a loving caring manner. Smoking is not on and it is because you love her and care for her that you are doing this.

However is your Mom is frail this option may not be an option. Why does she want to leave your brothers flat? I am sure that he could also do with a little break. I know my brother has my Mom for a few weeks a year and for us it is like honeymoon at home.

Good luck. and take care

Reply to old but not cold
Posted by: Wild thing | 2008/06/11

No I have not discussed with anyone yet.
The smoking is a problem for all apparently.

Reply to Wild thing
Posted by: CP MOM | 2008/06/11

Hi, have you discussed this with your siblings? And the brother she lives with, cant she move into the house with them?

Reply to CP MOM

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