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Question
Posted by: Anonymous Female | 2011/01/26

Molested

Dear CyberShrink,

My parents divorced when I was very young 2 years old maybe. My mothers new boyfriend came into her life and from the age of about 4 maybe or so, I can recall being molested (touching etc).

The majority of my childhood seems to be blocked from my memory but there are a few encounters that I can recall as it was yesterday. I guess I was too afraid to tell my mother, and telling was father well I cant remember really.

As I got older and was in primary school, I use to have to fall asleep with earphones in my ears and the times that he came into my room i use to make as if i was sleeping, there was only touching and him flashing his body etc. I can also recall he use to walk late a night deliberately passed my bedroom with his " little blue gown"  totally open and completely naked.

At once stage I had told my older sister that he use to come into my room but cant remember what came of that. This is still while I was in primary school, once I had spoken to her though I got a key for my room and started locking my door.

I was in high school and still he use to come into my room at night because my door had broken and would not lock, until one night I have no idea what happened but I shouted saying " what you doing in my room"  my mother never woke up and a few days after that I convinced my mother to let my boyfriend move in who was 6 years older than me. It was in my standard 9 year 1993. Needless to say it never happened again.

My boyfriend and I fell pregnant in April 1993 and had my daughter in January 1994. We were married in 1994 and moved out a few months later.

My mothers boyfriend died round about June/September 1995 or 1996 and as the years have gone by, I guess I have healed allot BUT I have not healed completely.

I had a major argument with my mother a few years ago, where I had actually confronted her about what had happened and also cannot remember much of what happened with that argument but the fact that I told her I think has helped.

Becoming intimate with my then boyfriend and now husband has always been difficult for me, I battle to initiate intercourse and am listless which often caused stress between the two of us. I am still embarrased about my body and still wear shorts to bed at night etc.

The last year or so this boyfriend of my mother has been playing on my mind and it''s almost as if the memory of him is lurking.

What can I do to help myself heal, I do not want to go and see someone but need some direction.

Do you know if there is a some sort of consultation/therapy that can be done online etc. etc.

Please help - I am not healed form this and am now 33 years old and still battling

Thank you for your time

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Remmber, most of us, for perfectly natural reasons, don't recall much of our childhood, especially early childhood, as we are not yet eficiently recording memories in forms practical to recall. Its not clear how clearly you discussed all the abuse to your mother, but she sounds really neglectful and careless about this.
YOu could indeed be significantly helped, but only really by proper therapy from a properly qualified psychologist, preferably one with some experience in this area, but NOT someone who focuses mainly on issues of earlier abuse ( as they too often have their own hobby-horses to ride, rather than attending purely to your own best interests ).
I can understand that you might feel reluctant to discuss these matters with someone else, but you really need to, and any properly trained professional psychotherapist would be well able to help you feel comfortable and to work through these issues. Its not wise to try to do this all on your own, and I musty warn you that some of the most popular and best-selling books that claim to help people with such problems, are hugely inaccurate and may themselves cause serious problems.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/01/29

Remmber, most of us, for perfectly natural reasons, don't recall much of our childhood, especially early childhood, as we are not yet eficiently recording memories in forms practical to recall. Its not clear how clearly you discussed all the abuse to your mother, but she sounds really neglectful and careless about this.
YOu could indeed be significantly helped, but only really by proper therapy from a properly qualified psychologist, preferably one with some experience in this area, but NOT someone who focuses mainly on issues of earlier abuse ( as they too often have their own hobby-horses to ride, rather than attending purely to your own best interests ).
I can understand that you might feel reluctant to discuss these matters with someone else, but you really need to, and any properly trained professional psychotherapist would be well able to help you feel comfortable and to work through these issues. Its not wise to try to do this all on your own, and I musty warn you that some of the most popular and best-selling books that claim to help people with such problems, are hugely inaccurate and may themselves cause serious problems.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: also a Victim | 2011/01/28

I know exactly what u''r talking about,because i was...in the same situation,my uncle molested me when i was 9,couldnt tell anyone as everyone looked up to him and wouldnt believe me anyway, and i felt so imbarrassed because i felt that if i told my mum it would only proof her right in saying that was a disgrace to her and the family...now that i''m married with a teenager of 15...i''ve realized that its the " mother-child" "  relationship that was the problem, I couldnt talk to anyone about my problems especialy not my parents,and if i could have,it would have been much easier to deal with.anyway it so happens that i have a very open and honest relationship with my child, and that gave me peace,because i was haunted with dreams about that uncle of mine and my mum...until i realized that it''''s always gonna hold me back in life in giving my husband an child the relationship with me they deserve,,,although i cant forget...but i forgave them,,,and that makes it easier to deal with,,i take it one day at a time untill i get to a point where i can hug my mum without thinking about the past,,," that way it makes the future seems brighter....just my thought...forgive and try to forget, for your own peace of mind

Reply to also a Victim
Posted by: Maria | 2011/01/27

I haven''t personally read it but I''ve met Yvonne and she has years of experience as a counsellor to people who had been molested. I really feel that talking to someone is still the way to go. It''s hard, I won''t lie. I went for therapy for depression and learnt to trust my psychologist before I tackled this topic. If I had to go and see someone specifically to deal with molestation I would type up my whole story and give it to the person to read. That way you don''t have to sit there and tell it.

Take care.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2011/01/27

Look at " Joy comes in the morning"  by Yvonne Retief.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: similar | 2011/01/27

I am in the same boat, I have moved on though, never told anyone but I feel I need to deal with it somehow but dont want to talk to anyone personally face to face... Would much rather read a book or do online therapy... And yes I would say I have issues arising from it lots of selfesteem issues.

Reply to similar
Posted by: Maria | 2011/01/27

From personal experience, please, go and see a psychologist. The purpose is not to recall what happened in minute detail and confront anybody about it. The purpose is to deal with the fact that you have issues arising from this, unhelpful ways of thinking about the world and perhaps unhealthy ways of relating to men. A good therapist will help you to change your misperceptions and it''s not necessary to dig into the past to fix the current and future.

Reply to Maria

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