Our expert says:
YOu don't seem to mention the age of the children, or any age difference between them, which is highly relevant. Though you are admirably sensitive to possible issues about stepmotherhood, there are ages and stages in which ordinaruy kids behave just as you describe.
Sometimes a child will irritatingly get this challenging. Of course I suppose it is possible that her bio-mom might be stirring some sort of trouble, though I wonder why she would start doing so now, if she had not done so earlier.
If she is hiding this behavior from her father, discuss this with him, and maybe both of you have a discussion with her - so, with him present, she needs to either ignore you in front of him, or to speak with you.
remember such behavior from a child is often not about you at all, though obviously it may feel as though it is. It's about her testing her limits.
My concern is more about why this seems to hurt you so deeply, and why you sound so depressed and despairin. You may well be experiencing a depression, and may deserve treatment for this. And seeing a counsellor may be a good idea, as you obviously deserve support and encouragement you don't seem to be getting. Why isn't your husband playing a major part in solving these problems ? I can assure you no shrink or counsellor would think you in any way "stupid" for being distressed.
You seem most of all to be describing a significant and serious depression, of the sort which should respond really well to treatment, which would benefit you and your daughter, and indeed the whole family. Do arrange to see someone, soon, for assessment and a discussion of treatment options
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