Posted by: SIGH | 2009-01-21

Miserable husband

Thanks Doc always for your free advice. You DO manage to make one feel better. There are times when I feel that I am the one forever nagging and that perhaps I am wrong. Then people talk to me about him and then I realise I cant possibly be wrong.

He wasn' t always angry when we got married, but it came into the marriage slowly but surely. His father was a very angry man, and obviously he got the genes, and I just spoke to my daughter who has HIS genes and told her that she has a choice of becoming like him (and she hates the way he gets angry), or she can be a better person than him. She agreed that she should try not to get angry as it certainly isn' t a pretty picture. I feel much better now since your answer and a hug and kiss from my daughter as she saw how low I was feeling. So thanks again Doc.

He has always had an attitude towards my family  it has just become worse over the years. Me, on the other hand, despite the fact that I dislike a lot about his family, I am always nice to them, smiling, and just bearing whatever happens. Example, his sister showed me pics of him and his ex-wife which I found rather inappropriate to do. I just smiled and let it go, because of him  it' s his sister. He doesn' t seem to understand.

My older daughter invited us to the birthday party of her son and daughter on Sunday. My husband has already decided he' s not going. My other daughter said that I am welcome to go with them  I don' t have to wait on my husband. So yes, I will still go as I will maintain my relationships with my family.

Thank you.

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Our expert says:
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Pleased to hear you're feeling better.
Its not just genes, but if his fatehr was a very angry man, he grew up learning that anger was manly, and was what a man was supposed to do. And he probably saw no examples of a man handling situations WITHOUT getting angry. And maybe with Dad always getting angry and putting him down, he reacted by convincing himself that dad was wrong, and that he was always right. Some of us respond, as you are encouraging your daughter to do, by saying: "OK, that's nasty --- I WILL NOT behave like that, whatever the temptation " ; others respond by doing it themselves.
Brilliant decision --- go to the party and enjoy yourselves. If he doesnt want to go, that's up to him, but he mustnt assume this means you can't or wont't go, or that others will allow this to spoil their fun. GOod work !

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