Posted by: mommy | 2009-01-16


I feel so awful. My sister went in for a D& C this morning  she lost her baby at 18 weeks. I lost my baby at 11 weeks a few years ago. I phoned her this morning to find out how she was doing. All of a sudden I started to cry, instead of staying strong for her. I think mostly because I know the pain that she is going to go through, and I can' t take that pain away from her, and I re-lived every moment I had to go through during my miscarriage. I just think I never really realized what happened when I had my miscarriage. I thought it was just something that went wrong, it is just a fetus that died, and it' s not that important, nothing really special. Well, that was how I thought it was supposed to be, because the baby was never born. It kind of hits home now. You saw the heart beat, and the little arms and legs, and the movements. To realize that I actually never mourned my first baby' s death, and never realized that I had the right to cry, be angry and sad. The loss of my 2nd baby (she died at 6 months) didn' t feel that bad yesterday when I re-lived the miscarriage of my first baby. And I feel guilty about that too, because how could I betray my baby, whom I held in my arms, with a baby I never held in my arms? I don’ t want to feel sorry for myself, but why are there some people who think that you have just lost a pet? You have to perform, and what ever matters to you, to help you to heal, doesn’ t count. So you build up and build up, at the end you have a breakdown, and nobody can understand why it happened.

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Our expert says:
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Its very typical and normal, that our own past sorows can be re-awakened when someone dear to us suffers a similar sorrow. And, exactly as you say, if you never fully mourned the loss of the first pregnancy, you may need to do it later, like now. And, as you say, this includes to right to mourn, rage, and weep.
YOu didn't betray any baby. And the losses, of an unborn, and a new-born, are different in their impact. In some ways it can feel worse to have lost a child you never held, who was never able to even be held in your arms.
As with most tragedies in life, people who have never actually encountered them at all, are so terribly brave about your suffering, and don't take it seriously. You deserve to see a skilled counsellor, preferably someone experienced in helping people deal with this sort of grief --- maybe Famsa will know one in your area
And continue to work through this. You have been a fine mom, already

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2009-01-16

hi there

I also lost a son, aged 18 months, and then after him, i had a miscarriage, people asked me, how can you be so upset about a miscarriage after the loss of a baby. they just do not understand that, the baby I miscarried at 9 weeks was also my flesh and blood, I already got its first outfit as I was so excited. My problem is that I never dealt with my sons death, and cried like a baby with the miscarriage - and today, nine years later, I have still not dealt with it and now I can feel the pain and struggeling to get from day to day. People say get over it - they should just thank God that they have never had do go through this!! Good luck, and just be there for her, and she will appreciate your support as you know what she is going through!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: LL2 | 2009-01-16

Hi mommy, not sure if you are the same " mommy"  I chatted to last year - my little boy also died last year and it is coming up for the 1st anniversary in February. Firstly I want to say that I' m so sorry for your loss. I too had a miscarriage once and then my baby died last year age 2. I still dont know how we continue from day to day but we do. I had a similar experience to you but my friend miscarried at 20 weeks. It brought back a flood of emotions and whenever I hear of experiences like yours it opens the floodgates again. I' m really truly sorry that you have to go through this. Have you been in touch with Compassionate Friends? You still need to heal and these emotions are part of it - just take it as it comes. Are you going for counselling after the loss of your baby?

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