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Question
Posted by: Christine | 2011/12/08

Midlife crisis or just being neurotic?

My husband thinks I’ m nuts, my family ignores me, my friends are too busy wallowing in their superficial lives and my maid’ s consoling me.
Am I justifiable upset or just going through a mid-life crisis?
Let’ s back up a little, or a lot, say 6 to 10 years.
My biggest dream as a little girl was to be a ballet dancer. That couldn’ t happen due to a hereditary condition so I set my mind towards a PhD. Come university, my folks couldn’ t afford the fees so I had to get a bursary, one in which every tuition year had to be worked back. No problem  got the degree and it was off to start work. Unfortunately, this was not in my or my husbands’  “ home town”  and meant moving. Since he works from home it wasn’ t much of a big deal (work-wise) and we moved, bought a house and settled in for what we thought would be 10 years or so.
Slowly but surely as I was doing better and moving up in the ranks he became more and more miserable. He wouldn’ t go anywhere, wouldn’ t do anything with me and started drinking, heavily. He got better after every visit back home so I thought it was just cabin fever.
After a few years, the job became too much, I was very stressed out and started despising going to work. My sister also became very ill, after cancer returned just after she gave birth to her first child. No-one knew what was going to happen and I became intensely aware of the need to have family around. Hubby and I had also decided that it was now or never to start our own family and realised that would be impossible in the current situation with no support.
So I resigned a very well-paying job and we moved back home. He bought a second house (as I was no-longer a full time employee) and tried to begin our new life. It turns out though that we can’ t have children (not his fault), so the dream of four kids went out of the window. At the same time, the previous house was not yet sold, so we are living off what is essentially his salary with two home loans. I do what I can, try to get the best bargains grocery wise but I still pay for medical aid etc. and the security company back at the old place. It’ s tough and I have to scrape every penny together.
While I’ m cutting out coupons and have every “ loyalty”  card conceivable, he still gets to jet off to a friend’ s house warming without regard to me trying to form a new career. On top of that, he gave permission for our tenant’ s’  parents to move in even after I expressly said “ no”  (they nearly cleaned my sister out of house and home a few years back when they wouldn’ t move out 6 months after what was supposed to be a weekend!).
The whole time they were there, hubby was away and I had to stay away from work just to make sure they wouldn’ t clean us out. Even though I was upset, I tried to maintain composure but then I realised that my dogs were going crazy because their dog was in the flat! The one was also using my front drive-way as a local garage, banging away at cars from the early hours of the morning until late at night (it later turns out he thought I was at work!). Since my dogs are now my children, having them so upset upset me and I have been a nervous wreck to the point of not having had a decent night’ s sleep for 72 hours.
I thought it may have been a medical condition but all blood tests turn out fine. The doctor simply told me to relax. How can I relax when I feel betrayed, ignored and being rude to (the tenant simply put the phone down on me when I tried to talk with him)?
Is this punishment for taking my husband away from his friends and family for a few years? Is this punishment for having previously done so well in my career and giving it up? Am I going through a mid-life crisis (I’ m 35) or am I being neurotic?
By the way, even after the events of the last few days, hubby said he wants to go away for ten days in Jan-Feb next year and I have to stay and look after the dogs. Excuse my language but: WTF?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, within that long tale, he does indeed seem to have made some selfish and thoughtless decisions. For instance, allowing ANY tenant into the house you're trying to sell, ESPECIALLY people with a history of not leaving when they[re supposed to do so, was plain stupid. They shouldn'thave been allowed in at all, and especially not with an agreement signed in blood to leave within a week's notice if you sold the place or changed your mind for any reason.
Spending money unnecessarily ( a friend's house-warming is a luxury ) isn't wise.
You've clearly got many reasons to feel stressed, an getting medical tests searching for any other cause is probably a waste. Sounds like, when it becomes affordable, CBT counselling to help you handle stress better would be a good idea, as this vulnerability was a problem with your previous job and other issues in life.
Maybe at some level he still resents having needed to accomodate previously to some of your needs, but that's unworthy. Some people have what we call a "passive-aggressive" approach in situations of onflict - instead of being actively and openly aggressive, they drag their heals and hit back by being unhelpful, negative, and NOT doing things that would help. AGain, maybe marriage counselling could help, but that's another cost you may not need right now. Now that you're apparently both back nearer families, couldn't someone in either family help mediate ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: Obvious | 2011/12/08

Just Saying makes a valid point abut taking control.
You have health, good qualifications,property assets,pets and friends.
Once you take control and dump your uncaring hubby you will be fine.....

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Christine | 2011/12/08

Thank you Cyberdoc. I will take your advice. As for @Just saying''s comments, I choose to ignore them. I have a job, I have friends, I do enjoy the dogs but your comment sounds a little harsh. Should you not be moderated out of this site? This is supposed to be for help.

Reply to Christine
Posted by: just saying | 2011/12/08

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and take control of your life, get a job and get a life find friends, enjoy your dogs.

Reply to just saying
Posted by: Romany | 2011/12/08

Get your career and your life back. REGARDLESS what you have to do. Make it about you now.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/12/08

OK, within that long tale, he does indeed seem to have made some selfish and thoughtless decisions. For instance, allowing ANY tenant into the house you're trying to sell, ESPECIALLY people with a history of not leaving when they[re supposed to do so, was plain stupid. They shouldn'thave been allowed in at all, and especially not with an agreement signed in blood to leave within a week's notice if you sold the place or changed your mind for any reason.
Spending money unnecessarily ( a friend's house-warming is a luxury ) isn't wise.
You've clearly got many reasons to feel stressed, an getting medical tests searching for any other cause is probably a waste. Sounds like, when it becomes affordable, CBT counselling to help you handle stress better would be a good idea, as this vulnerability was a problem with your previous job and other issues in life.
Maybe at some level he still resents having needed to accomodate previously to some of your needs, but that's unworthy. Some people have what we call a "passive-aggressive" approach in situations of onflict - instead of being actively and openly aggressive, they drag their heals and hit back by being unhelpful, negative, and NOT doing things that would help. AGain, maybe marriage counselling could help, but that's another cost you may not need right now. Now that you're apparently both back nearer families, couldn't someone in either family help mediate ?

Reply to cybershrink

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