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Question
Posted by: desperate housewife | 2011-05-23

men: porn how much and how often

Okay I have a bit of a problem with my husband and I just need to get some clarity before I freak out totally.

We''ve been married for 7 years, have 2 kids and my hubby started his own business while I was pregnant with my first child. Our sex life went downhill but every time I confronted him he had an excuse, stress, tired, don''t like my body shape since delivery etc.

Make a long story short. 2 years ago I found out he watch porn. ALOT. I don''t always have a problem with porn I mean all men do it and even myself did it a few odd times but porn is now taking over our relationship. And I''m not even part of it.

His excuse is once again, it''s a quick fix, I''m fat, he''s stressed etc. I''ve tried everything. I lost all my pregnancy weight, excersice and make up daily. Bought new sexy clothes but he''s not into me??? This after I''ve supported and motivated and made sacrifices for him to be in the big league with his business?

We have sex like once a week (maybe every second week) but he watch porn daily. I don''t feel sexy anymore, I feel like a failure, I''m not good enough.

Please tell me, am I over reacting or should I take the next step?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Frequency and quantity is not always as reliable an indictor of a problem as is the presence of negative consequences as a result of the activity. It certainly sounds like there are negative consequences for your relationship and that it is very much at risk at the moment. Whilst some men do use pornography is it not true that all men do, and certainly it is more of a minority who would rather use pornography than be intimate with a partner. I wonder if he has an internet sex addiction? A growing problem and one which is treatable... I would suggest that you stop looking at what you can do to improve things now, as it sounds like you already have done a lot of that, and begin to hold him responsible for his actions. His use of pornography is not your failure, although you are not alone to feel that this is the case - many other partners feel this way when faced with lack of interest by their spouse. Ask him to attend for an assessment session with sex therapist in an attempt to understand what is going on and how you can address it together. If he refuses, you have a difficult decision to make...

Claire - SASHA

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2011-05-24

I can see both point of views, they both have valid arguments. Ziggi is correct as after about 3 years a man does get bored of the same women and some do try an find more excitement after that. Mrs P also is correct about the experience of having a woman who loves you unconditionally.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Go | 2011-05-24

After (even during) watching porn comes Whores. Guaranteed.

I

Reply to Go
Posted by: Mrs P | 2011-05-24

Dear Zigi duster, then you must not get married. Then you must stay single and jump from hole to hole to hole. The pity is, you will never experience a woman that loves and cherishes you and puts you above all else. The up side to that is, you dont deserve it.

Reply to Mrs P
Posted by: ziggi duststar | 2011-05-24

Study have proved that after 3 years of sex with the same woman, men get bored and has to find something new and exiting. Men are not windmills you know, we cannot sit on the same hole year after year.

Reply to ziggi duststar
Posted by: Mrs P | 2011-05-24

A man that is watching porn, is cheating on you. It is as simple as that. He may not be out there doing it physically, but it boils down to the same thing, and I dont think it should be tolerated.

Pornography for me is a deal breaker. If I discovered my husband/ boyfriend / partner was watching pornography or chatting to other women or anything that he could not do while i was sitting right there next to him, I would take the next step.

Reply to Mrs P
Posted by: Anon | 2011-05-24

What is the next step?

Reply to Anon
Posted by: jack | 2011-05-24

He mastrubate when he watch the porn, so he will not feel like having sex.

Reply to jack
Posted by: DMAN | 2011-05-23

hi their,

if you feel it is wrong, then it is!
simply put, you need to sit down and talk to him about this as its affect your self confidence and more importantly your family and at the end of the day if this is something you can discuss and work through together then its for the betterment of your children. it definatley sound like he might have a problem and thats something he will need to confront as this is not healthly for you and your children. maybe counsiling might be the answer? you already stated that you tolerate porn to a certain degree but this is seriouly affecting you,and if he doesnt recognise the urgence this and controls himself then it wont get any better.

hope this helps.

Reply to DMAN
Posted by: Sexologist | 2011-05-23

Frequency and quantity is not always as reliable an indictor of a problem as is the presence of negative consequences as a result of the activity. It certainly sounds like there are negative consequences for your relationship and that it is very much at risk at the moment. Whilst some men do use pornography is it not true that all men do, and certainly it is more of a minority who would rather use pornography than be intimate with a partner. I wonder if he has an internet sex addiction? A growing problem and one which is treatable... I would suggest that you stop looking at what you can do to improve things now, as it sounds like you already have done a lot of that, and begin to hold him responsible for his actions. His use of pornography is not your failure, although you are not alone to feel that this is the case - many other partners feel this way when faced with lack of interest by their spouse. Ask him to attend for an assessment session with sex therapist in an attempt to understand what is going on and how you can address it together. If he refuses, you have a difficult decision to make...

Claire - SASHA

Reply to Sexologist

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