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Question
Posted by: Jess | 2008/08/11

Men help me understand

I really need Men to advise or answer on as no one knows Men like Men do.

I' m in a relationship with an incredible man who exceeds everything I' ve ever wanted in a man. We' ve discussed marriage, having a family we both excited about starting a life together.

I am a single mom of a 4yr, he has accepted my child and has asked me how I would feel about him adopting my child, this has made me happy as my child has no father he has written my child off.

My b/f was in a relationship a few years ago and was deeply hurt by it. He has told me what happened in the relationship and how it had affected him. His built this wall around him that feels like to me that I just can' t seem to break through and when I' m able to and he realises it he puts it back up. His very scared and insecure which I understand and don' t blame him for. I' m patient, understanding loving and there for him and have told him to take his time and move with a pace his comfortable with. I reasure him him daily, his biggest fear is loosing me which I' ve told him will not happen. There are times I feel like I' m being punished for a crime I didn' t commit, his ex.

His also in an industry that demands alot if not all his time on many occassions, however in the last 4 weeks I' ve had next to no contact with him in the 1st week it was one day then next week it was for a few minutes and since then nothing altogether, he did inform me that there was a major project coming in and will take up his time and hopefully wouldn' t last too long. I just feel like in the evenings and over weekends he could make some form of effort to keep in contact with me. His very much of a workoholic.

My insecurities have taken over and I' ve no idea if they are valid or if I' m overreacting. he did assure me that nothing has changed and I' ve nothing to worry about it' s just work is hectic and demading and he wants the rush to get over, but still those insecurities are there.

One more thing we' re in a long distance relationship which makes it harder.

How do I help him overcome his insecurities and show him I' m not her or anything like her?
How do I break down those walls that his built up around himself?
Am I doing something wrong? Is there something I' m not doing that I should be doing?

Thanks for letting me chew on you ear.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jess | 2008/08/11

Hi Me2

Thank you vey much. I do understand I guss I' m just scared of getting hurt again but this will not stop me from loving a man like this. You are right actions do speak louder than words and I have blown him away on quite a few occasions which I think was good and left him completely speachless.

I' m sorry to hear you' ve been hurt so much, I know taking chances can hurt and let you down. I just don' t believe that past experiences should hold you back and keep you from loving someone completely. There are valuble lessons to be learnt in past experiences but don' t let them hold you back you could be missing out on something so incredible.

You are right trust is earned and works both ways, but sometimes it feels like his trust in me is almost judgemental.

I hope everything works out for you Me2!!!

Reply to Jess
Posted by: me2 | 2008/08/11

Having been hurt myself, I can relate to this wall of defence he has built. I’ m still in this relationship where my bf betrayed me..But after a year, I realise that I will never love the way I used to before..At this stage, I am far too scared to reveal my true feelings and as a result keep it to myself, projecting this nonchalant attitude. In the meantime, I feel so fragile and bitter and am far too scared to open up my heart completely… .I miss that kind of love… My reason for not loving that way again… is that I’ m scared it will not be reciprocated… ..and I will get hurt again.. I’ m sure this will take time… and I pray that one day I can love that way again… .Give him time… and discuss your feelings with him… He will eventually become less bitter and open up more… . Trust gets earned..and together with your patience all should be well… Just keep reassuring him of your love and commitment… and also show him in various ways… .To me love is an action… not a word… All the best..and I don’ t think you are doing anything wrong…  -)

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