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Posted by: sandy | 2010/04/28

meet the parents

my boyfriend of just over a year wants me to officially meet his family.i however don''t feel ready for this and part of the reason is that i do not like his mom.i met her unoficially,a few months ago and when i said hello to her,she totally ignored me which i found to be rude.she complains that we go out until late at night on weekends(12 midnight)and that my boyfriend is wasting money everytime we go out on weekends,which means she assumes i do not pay for anything and she couldn''t be more wrong.she has also told him that the last time he was this happy in a relationship,the girl cheated on him so what makes him think that i won''t do the same.mind you,this happened 5 years ago and my boyfriend is 30yrs old for crying out loud and not a 3 yr old.the other reason is that we have fought a lot in our young relationship.i know its not like we getting married tomorrow but for me meeting the parents is a big step.what should i do,should i go ahead and meet them or just tell my boyfriend that i am not ready?i am afraid that when i am ready that he might not want me to meet them anymore.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I understand what you mean abou meetin the parents formally or informally, officially or unofficially. Its the difference between meeting his parents, and Meeting His Parents.

However, surely you need to discuss this frankly but pleasantly with your boyfriend. He knows her well, and can help you to understand her better, and prepare for a formal visit. Now that she knows he is serious about you, she may recognize that you deserve respect.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Purple | 2010/04/29

Hi Happiness,

You''re right, I thnk I don''t understand properly because its not a big deal for me.

I think that Sandy might be doing exactly what you did - had such fear of the situation that when her possibly future mother in law didn''t gush with enthusiasm, she assumed she was being ignored.

Yikes, hearing how everyone else feels about a formal meeting the parents I''m rather glad its not a big deal for me.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/04/29

Meeting the parents is a big deal in our black culture. It means there is a huge possibility you''re marrying the guy! So whether you meet the parents or not will depend on how much do you see yourself with him in the future. If you don''t see it long term then why bother.

I was also freaked before meeting my mother in law. I had also met her unofficially before and I felt she was ignoring me. When my boyfriend asked me to pay her an official visit a year later I freaked out. I came up with all the reasons why I shouldn''t. I ended up going anyway. I was cautious of every move made by her it was ridiculous.

But 8 months later I got married to my boyfriend and 6 years later we''re still crazy inlove. As for my mother in law,she is the best. I think I had misjudged her based on my fears.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: Purple | 2010/04/29

How do you unofficially meet someone? You''ve either met her or you haven''t.

Why do you both feel that his mother has so much power over his life and your relationship, surely you are both adults and how late you stay out and how much you spend is none of her business unless your boyfriend doesn''t work and she is supporting him.

Think seriously about whether this is the kind of family you want to be involved with. If she tries to dominate your life like this now, what will she be like when you have children - will she dictate what kind of birth you should have, whether you should breast or bottle feed, how your baby should sleep, tell you you are spoiling baby every time you pick him or her up? If you stand up to her, will your husband back you up or take her side?

Maybe I come from a different culture to you, but in my culture (english speaking south african) meeting the parents isn''t a big step. When you''re adults parents can advise but they lose their right to give you instructions and we don''t marry each others families. When my husband and I were first seeing each other, he met my parents because they happened to be in town. I met his mom just before we moved cities. Both of us were financially independent of our parents at this time, I was 21 and he was 27.

You should probably have a talk with your boyfriend and find out his feelings on family matters like this.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/04/29

I understand what you mean abou meetin the parents formally or informally, officially or unofficially. Its the difference between meeting his parents, and Meeting His Parents.

However, surely you need to discuss this frankly but pleasantly with your boyfriend. He knows her well, and can help you to understand her better, and prepare for a formal visit. Now that she knows he is serious about you, she may recognize that you deserve respect.

Reply to cybershrink

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