Posted by: T-Junction | 2013-01-08

Married with Asperger Syndrome


I''m 32 and my husband 35 - both of us are very independent individuals. We got married 18 months ago. Before then we had a long distance relationship and saw each other every 2nd weekend. Before we got married we knew each other for about 14 months.

When I met my husband and we started dating, I realised that he was different from the rest - eccentric I thought -, he is very religious and he also indicated that there shall be no sex before marriage. It was fine with me. I couldn''t believe that there were still men out there with such strong beliefs. I was very impressed.

We eventually moved in together about 6 months after we got married - due to the long distance and employment issues that had to be sorted out. I relocated to his town and ended my career, got rid of all my furniture etc to move in with him.

Okay: 12 months later - I feel I want to run and never return. I''m lonely, I''m empty, I''m depressed, I feel inadequate, I don''t feel wanted or needed. I hate myself. WHY?

On our first wedding night, we didn''t have sex (okay, we were tired, so nothing happened), on our second wedding night we didn''t have sex, on our third wedding night we''ve tried, but he climaxed before we had intercourse... and 18 months later... we have sex once or twice a month for 2 minutes... my husband climaxes within 2 minutes! There is never foreplay or hardly ever intercourse. Why? He doesn''t understand it and he''s never tried it. I''ve tried to show him, but the impression I got is that he''s not into foreplay - he''s uncomfortable about it. Whenever I try to talk about this issue, he keeps quiet.

I don''t believe I''m unattractive. I take care of myself, I gym, I eat healthy and I am spontaneous. However, I''ve lost my identity. I hate myself and now feel that I''d be better off dead. Whilst we were still engaged: whenever we used to go out (to the shops, to restaurants etc.) my husband would physically stop and stare at younger girls (about 16, 18, 20). In the beginning I always laughed it off and cracked a joke with him about it, but after we got married and I realised that the intimicy wasn''t " normal"  and what I expected, I started to feel self-conscious. I changed my hair colour, changed my wardrobe, changed my behaviour and today I can''t do this anymore. I feel like I''ve been put in a cage and I don''t know what is right and wrong anymore. I don''t want to go out to places. Whenever we''re invited to a function, I dread going out. I used to be a socialite and loved being between people.

My husband is exceptionally clever and is a specialist in his field. He is very sensitive and he has a good heart. He has a lot of patience. If I like something, he''ll buy it. I wouldn''t ask for it - it will just end up being delivered by a courier. His social skills are extremely strange. He''d fall asleep in a conversation if he''s not interested. When we''re in a conversation with other people, he''d keep whispering in my ears to talk about a subject that is not relevant to the conversation we''re in then (he''d for example whisper: tell your sister about the issue with the electrician). It is so frustrating for me. He can''t have " normal"  conversation with people. His conversations go about ideas of making the fool of other people (eg. imagine the person doing this to that person and what would happen... hahahaha). Further to this, he can''t tell stories during a conversation, he only ask questions about politics, maths, physics etc. His toilet manners are strange - he would hardly use toilet paper after number 2 and wouldn''t care if he smells a bit. He''s not worried about brushing teeth properly or checking his hair in the morning before he leaves for work. If something''s on his mind, he''d keep repeating it - non-stop. He''d keep talking about it until I can''t take it anymore.

Further to this - he keeps calling me during the day, all the time (about 10 - 15 times a day) whilst he''s at work. I feel smothered. When we''re at home together he''d follow me everywhere I go. When I''m in the kitchen, he''s in the kitchen... when I''m in the bathroom, he''d lie on the bed waiting until I''m done, when I''m in the garage, he''d wait for me at the door. He always follows me and looks like he wants to catch/hug me the whole time with both his arms wide open whilst he follows me. I CAN''T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I''ve nicely told him to stop doing it, but he doesn''t take note. He''d stop for a while and start doing it all over again.

My mother-in-law told me a while ago about my husband''s childhood and what a " special"  child he was. Then she mentioned something about OT. I didn''t quite get that and started to do research. I came across the symptoms of the Asperger Syndrome and I realised that those symptoms are very similar to my husband''s behaviour.

I don''t know what to do. I''m emotionally drained and I can''t live like this anymore. I feel like I''m caged in. He doesn''t enjoy any of my hobbies which has resulted in my not doing anything that I enjoy but we everything that he likes.

Please can you help with advice?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It does sound as though your husband has a considerable number of problems in addition to general eccentricity and a naive ignorance about sex and sexuality, and apparently an unwillingness to learn.
Trying to change yourself isn't the answer - you're not the problem. His marked difficulties in normal conversation with others, and bad hygiene, suggest more serious problems, and Aspergers or any of a number of alternatives sound very possible.
It might become necessary to reconsider the wisdom of remaining in the marriage. But is he possibly amenable to being persuaded to see a psychiatrist or psychologist ( who would need to be fully informed by you, perhaps in a letter if not in person, about all of your observations of his oddities ) for assessment and a discussion of whether treatment of any kind might help him to be happ[er and to be able to make you happier ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Leah | 2013-02-12

It does sound like a form of autism. Quite an attachment but no intimacy. For those of us who live in marriages of undiagnosed asperger''s, I''m sure many of us our nodding our heads in agreement. So...first, you are not alone.
I''m not a therapist or anything& mdash just someone who has lived in an
asperger''s marriage for close to 20 years. 2nd. conversations have been can''t change someone can determine what kind of life you want to live, how this marriage afftects your value systems, and what you think you can live with and not hurt yourself: physically ( the stress), mentally (the continual conflict), emotionally (neglect/abuse) and spiritually (vows/covenant/forgiveness, etc...)
3rd. get yourself in a position where you can support yourself, so you can get some space if you need it: weekends away from your marriage, separate activities since your spouse''s will be limited, etc... Wishing you the best and sorry your heartache. P.S. Don''t hesitate to put rules on for sex: smelly=no sex. Must shower before sex, etc...

Reply to Leah
Posted by: Anoynous for this one | 2013-01-09

Don''t get me wrong  the illness is one thing. But his hygiene.... At his age  won''t change.. No doctor can teach him that!

Reply to Anoynous for this one
Posted by: Lee | 2013-01-09

RUN! He has a problem, not you. Let him work on it and you get on with your life.

Reply to Lee
Posted by: Henry | 2013-01-08

Well T-Junction - you are in a difficult space but you have made the important step in identifying his condition. It sounds like to me you are 100 % right about him having Aspergers. I also have Aspergers and it took me 50 years to find out what this invisible condition is. I have been studying the Aspergers subject for the last 5 years to try to correct the deficits and problems it brings. Your first and only step right now if you want to be able to save your relationship is get him to understand and accept what his condition is and what he can do about it. I have also lived with this Aspergers for 55 years and have a good understanding on how these difficulties you are having are affecting you. When I found out about my Aspergers it was a great relief and it felt like being delivered!! A professional diagnosis is a must asap. Since he does have a very high level of intelligence he should be able to do his own research and start to understand himself and with your help start changing his behaviour. I have some excellent internet resources I can send you and as I cannot post the sites on here you can email me at - I also can give you details of specialist doctors who look after Aspergers patients if you need it.

Reply to Henry
Posted by: Anoynous for this one | 2013-01-08

Get out......

Reply to Anoynous for this one

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