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Question
Posted by: Me | 2010/06/14

Married to a cheater

I have been married for 11 years. Hubby was caught out cheating on me for the past year and a half.

He first denied sleep with her - 4 weeks later - after I discovered his credit card statement with hotel room bills he confessed. He said the reason for not telling the truth - he was scared I am going to leave him.

He is a " model husband"  at the moment. He says he will do anything to make our marriage work. He does not want to loose me our our son (3 years).

At the moment we are seeing a marriage counsellor. I must admit - I love him dearly. I get my days where I am positive and then I get the days where I want to go crazy.

Does it ever get better? Should I give our marriage another " try"  or just give it up for a bad job?

Oh - another thing - should I or should I tell the cow''s husband what she has been doing on her back the last 18 months?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Cheaters so often lie, thus revealing themselves to be both unfaithful and liars. Its good that he has agreed to join you in marriage counselling, and I hope he is participating sincerely in that. Don't ive up on your own mariage, with a man you say you dearly love and who says he wants to put things right - try and see if this reconsruction of the relationship can work sucessfully over time.
As for speaking to the cow's husband - ( wouldn't that be a bull ? ) that's an issue outside of my expertise. It might be considered fair, and to stop her from further hurting her husband - or it might being hurt to him about something which may have already stopped

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Our users say:
Posted by: anon | 2010/06/15

each time you say to your husband '' i love you'' you picture him in bed naked with the other woman...how does that make you feel, does it draw you closer to him, does it make you feel good towards him. That image is forever in your mind...it will never go. will you ever trust him again? Each time his phone rings, he sends an sms, he works late...what do you feel, what do you think?

Its over, move on and away from this cheater and looser, find love and respect elsewhere, because you will never get it at home.

Many people think you can get over cheating and adultry, you cant, its impossible, all that happens is that you loose something of yourself in the process and settle for less, you gain nothing.

Reply to anon
Posted by: BEEN THERE | 2010/06/14

YOU MUST MAKE HER HUSBAND AWARE OF WAHT SHE IS DOING...

Reply to BEEN THERE
Posted by: mikky | 2010/06/14

Im sorry ... I do understand that our behaviour might cause to push our loved ones away... But seriously, there was plenty opportunity for her husband to stand up and tell her what was wrong before he committed the act. Even to say, Ive met this woman and Im tempted because I dont think Im getting what I need out of this marriage.

But to break the trust and then be open about the issues that caused him to stray.

Trust me, Ive been there. You need to deal with the hurt first, Her husband cannot start telling her his reasons just yet ... It comes across as blame. She is hurting and confused and then to add her short-comings on top of those emotions .... Please. The woman probably feels pretty insecure and 2nd best as it is, she doesnt need her shortcomings pointed out just yet. And besides, she probably knows where her faults lie.

He needs to explain his lack of self control first.

Reply to mikky
Posted by: jj | 2010/06/14

For the sake of their marriage I would tell her husband.
Why should he be kept in the dark? then it hurts even more.
I would do it out of consideration for him, and NOT necessarily to get back at her.
Make your intentions well, else karma''s gonna come " skop"  you under your a$$.
beware of what you send out, but always deal in love.
And one more thing... this is probably an extremely difficult thing to do BUT consider how YOU might have contributed to him having an affair. Look inside, learn from the experience, see if you can pick up something that you could avoid / do more of in the future to do all you can to affair-proof your marriage.
This is no guarantee, but learning more about yourself allows you to grow and learn and become stronger.
And if he has another affair, leave him, and you''ll know and be wise enough to attract the person you deserve who loves you dearly because you are a better person for looking inside and fixing what might not be 100% right.
All the best.
I am sorry that you got hurt like this.

Reply to jj
Posted by: mikky | 2010/06/14

In my experience... Its bloody hard to get over it. Every statement made by him that comes across as a little vague will always swing the way of doubt going forwards. Post-cheating leaves no room for grey areas in a relationship.

My therapist said to me .... In the old days, adultery was one of the few grounds for a divorce only because it was closely linked to the cause of insanity. Some people can get over it and some people cant. You need to figure out where you sit. Its taken me 9 months of a 3 year relationship and I still dont know.

Give it a try... But be decisive. Trust is so easily earned when you start a relationship, once you destroy that trust, its the most difficult thing to win back.

Reply to mikky
Posted by: XXX | 2010/06/14

It is never easy after an affair but a good start is admitting to it and you forgiving him.However,you must lay down some ground rules to prevent this from happening again.
It will take time to recover from this but with hard work by both of you,your marriage can be saved and ultimately giving your 3 year old a better life.
All the best

Reply to XXX
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/06/14

Cheaters so often lie, thus revealing themselves to be both unfaithful and liars. Its good that he has agreed to join you in marriage counselling, and I hope he is participating sincerely in that. Don't ive up on your own mariage, with a man you say you dearly love and who says he wants to put things right - try and see if this reconsruction of the relationship can work sucessfully over time.
As for speaking to the cow's husband - ( wouldn't that be a bull ? ) that's an issue outside of my expertise. It might be considered fair, and to stop her from further hurting her husband - or it might being hurt to him about something which may have already stopped

Reply to cybershrink

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