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Question
Posted by: Lonely | 2011/04/28

MARRIED BUT STILL SOOO LONELY

I have a wonderful husband, whom I can trust 100% but my problem is I am LONELY. Here are some background info. We do not have children because we cannot have any. Last year my husbands company were liquidated so we lost everything. We were lucky in the sense that he got another job in the same field and are earning a good salary etc. My problem is that he works from 6 in the morning until 8 at night. On weekends he brings his laptop home and work. We seldom eat dinner together because he comes home too late and in the morning when I get up he leaves for work. I understand that because of very large projects etc he has alot to do. To ad to this he goes away with the guys for fishing, bike trips etc. whenever the opportunity arises. I know he works hard and needs a break but WHAT ABOUT ME. I had to deal with my sadness of losing everthing alone, because I didn''t want to add to his stress. I never " moan"  and puts him first in everything I do. I work as well and keeps myself busy.... but I still NEED him. I was alone the whole of the easter weekend and feel so depressed these days, and feel like crying the whole time. Am I being selfish?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I wonder if the new company might be exploiting him by demanding unfairly long hours, or if he feels a need to work extra time to be able to impress them and hold onto this job. And obviously these issues are things you need to discuss openly together. What is less justifiable is that he apparently DOES have time for himself, but chooses to spend it all with "the guys" on fishing and biking, rather than with you. This is unfair to you. Couldn't he find some things he would enjoy but which he can share with you ? I don't know how you feel about fishing or biking ! He does indeed need and deserve a break, but doesn't have to spend all breaks without you.
You are not being selfish.
Liza's response makes excellent sense. You need not be alone, and could also get involved in other social activities, apart from working towards encouraging your husband to involve you more in his recreation

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

7
Our users say:
Posted by: rajesh | 2011/05/03

you can keep in contact with me !
Which area are you from ?

Reply to rajesh
Posted by: Fishy | 2011/04/28

Been there done that. Regardless of wat happened... (lost everything, retrenchment etc etc).
Work hours are from 08H00 to 17H00 - NOT NEGOTIABLE.
Ever since my husband and I had marraige councilling about this exact problem of yours, and the shrink told my husband "  Work hours are from 08H00 to 17H00 - NOT NEGOTIABLE"  things got better.
You have done nothing wrong here? Why are yu the one suffering?
Nope, I did this and I was a fool.

Reply to Fishy
Posted by: Lonely | 2011/04/28

Thank you all so much for your comments. I have pets and it helps alot and I try to go out with my friends and do all sorts of things to keep myself busy when he is away - but it is still getting to me.

And just to answer Cybershrink - I am not invited to go along on the fishing and biking trips. Boys only!

I will definately talk to him:< )

Reply to Lonely
Posted by: XXX | 2011/04/28

There is not much one can do if he is so busy at work etc BUT the fact that he then goes off and does his own thing is simply unacceptable.
I suggest you talk to him and tell him your feelings and the need for some " us"  time as well.
If he truly loves you he will want time with you as well.
Good luck

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Liza | 2011/04/28

You could also perhaps try something like pottery or dancing classes to get out and make new friends...

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Liza | 2011/04/28

Selfish? Definitely not. A marriage is a partnership where the whole purpose is to not be alone. You have to tell your husband how you feel. Yes you don''t want to add to his stress, but trying to not add to his stress is stressing you out! The most important thing my first shrink taught me was that sometimes you HAVE to be a little selfish. Being selfless all the time is emotionally exhausting and breaks you down.

And going away with the guys and leaving your wife alone at home is definitely VERY selfish. If he were my husband he''d get a very swift kick in the patootie...

Do you have any pets? I know it''s not the same as human company (hey, for me it''s better than human company most of the time!) but it could help ease the loneliness. My kitties can sense my mood and when I need it the most, they always come cuddling up to me. You could also perhaps try

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/04/28

I wonder if the new company might be exploiting him by demanding unfairly long hours, or if he feels a need to work extra time to be able to impress them and hold onto this job. And obviously these issues are things you need to discuss openly together. What is less justifiable is that he apparently DOES have time for himself, but chooses to spend it all with "the guys" on fishing and biking, rather than with you. This is unfair to you. Couldn't he find some things he would enjoy but which he can share with you ? I don't know how you feel about fishing or biking ! He does indeed need and deserve a break, but doesn't have to spend all breaks without you.
You are not being selfish.
Liza's response makes excellent sense. You need not be alone, and could also get involved in other social activities, apart from working towards encouraging your husband to involve you more in his recreation

Reply to cybershrink

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