Posted by: WHY | 2009-02-19

Married a wrong guy

I have been married to my husband for nine years he is 35 and i am 28, we have two boys aged 8 and 11 months. My problem is my husband does not want to explore technologically and socially.He is too traditional and he does not want to live a youthful live.
He was a heavy drinker before and arriving home late every weekend and three years back he has changed into a christian person.
There is no fun together what he does at the moment is going to work and come home to sleep if he does not feel like going to church.He goes to church every day after work if he likes.
He does not want me to go out with my married girlfriends and he does not like to go out too, even as to take our kids to macdonalds.If i can go out with my friends he will call me and said he is coming to fetch me as early as 2/3 pm.Me and my friends has kids of the same age so my older son is always complaining about being home every weekend and wishing to visit one of my friend' s kids so his dad will deny him that.

Last night i talked to him about planning a birthday party for my little boy he is turning 1 year and he said to me our baby is so young to realise some birthday party it is just a waste of money.
I explained to him that two weeks back my friend baby was turning 1 year and my boy enjoyed that moment and he just looked at me and said that is why i came to fecth you so early i dont want my boys to be corrupted by this s' ' ' ' ' ' ' t parties.

He does not know how to use a PC let alone use cellphone wich is techonologically advance.For the past eight years i was busy studying, working and studying part time but he always say next year.he earns around R7000 and i get R5000.

Our house and car are all paid up we dont owe anything at the moment exept some clothing stores. I always try to explain to him that this is the time to enjoy ourselves but he is too deaf.The moment we go out is to visit his old uncle at thats it.And again he does not want me to get a helper at home saying he does not like to have stranger in his house, i can not manage my house chores, kids and him because i am working.Sorry for a long story but i feel terrible, before it was his drinking but now it is his attitude, some times i feel like leaving him.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It sounds as though he has become as addicted to a verkrampte view of hi religion as he once was to alcohol. If that suits him, that's fine, but to impose his glum and joyless view of life on you and the children, is unfair. If he has a foolish reason for no wanting a helper for the housework, then it is his duties to share all those chores with you, rather than expecting you to be his unpaid helper.
Worse makes a good point that he may be imposing this gloomy life-style to help him avoid the temptations of old --- but that does't excuse making the life of you and the kids, miserable. Couples counselling would be a good idea, but I wouldn't be surprised if he rejected it. DOes he belong to and attend a church which fully supports his views regarding your life and the children ? Or is it possible there is a minister at his church you could discuss this with, who might encourage him to loosen up at least as regards your lives ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: LINDA | 2009-02-21

Hi, I have exactly the same problem! It is like you are a double of me.
But I like the advise that maybe sent you.DO what he/she said. I will try it mysewlf


Reply to LINDA
Posted by: WHY | 2009-02-20

Thank you guys for a wonderful advice, for " maybe" my husband was the most amazing, honest guy i have ever met.we dated for two years before we marry so i was totally sure what kind of man he is.For his drinking he has started this after 1 year of our marriage and he changed just like that.
I do take my kids out mostly on fridays because we nock off at 1pm every friday at work.Most of the time i just feel like a single parent cause he is not there.
Thank you guys again.

Reply to WHY
Posted by: beeee | 2009-02-20

During the school holiday... take a few days off. take the kids to a movie etc... while he is at work.. what is the worst that could happen? him shouting at you.? It seems like he is treating u like a child....

Reply to beeee
Posted by: Maybe | 2009-02-19

Was he a fun guy when you were first going out and was he into the bottle at that stage ? You know I always tell people that when you meet your potential partner, you have to check them out like you would if you were buying a business. Look for the signs of dishonesty, selfishness, greediness, meaness of spirit, cruel, violent, excessive anything. Marriage is a business that you have to work at daily. People who show trends that yoiu don' t like will NEVER change, EVER. So you have to remove the rose tinted spectacles and hsave a good hard look at what you may be getting. If you are happy with it, remember you have to stick with it. People don' t change. Anyway, to get back to your case, sit him down, tell him to stop behaving like an idiot and if he does not, pack you bags and hit the road. You cannot waste your one and only life on him. Remember now, when you meet your next potential partner, CHECK HIM OUT first.

Reply to Maybe
Posted by: anon | 2009-02-19

It sounds to me like he is battling to keep focused and away from his demons. I think every day is a struggle for him and he probably doesn' t want to burden you and doesn' t know how else to handle this. I am sorry that this is so difficult. Perhaps you should suggest some couples counselling?

Reply to anon
Posted by: Worse | 2009-02-19

The way I see it, youre husband is probably too scared to go out because he might be tempted to get back into his old drinking habits, so he rather stays away from the temptation. Why dont you try and have your friends over at your house for a braai once in a while, so he can socialise in his own space, that might make him warm up to the idea more. Also try and organise things like a picnic just for your little family, and just spontaneously tel him to hop into the car with you and the kids, and take them there, you let him sit while you drive, so it doesnt feel like an effort for him to still drive. The more you makehim realise that its fun and rlaxing for thewhole family to do things together, the easier he will warm up to the idea

PS. Going to your friends when he is nt happy with it doesnt help your cause girl! you know guys dont wanna feel like they' re being undermined. As for the technology issue, you should do stuff to let him see the benefits of technology, like how much petrol and time he can save doing things like internet or cell phone banking or looking for certain things on the internet that he might be interested in.

Good luck and try and look for the positives in him too, would you rather have him at home being his " boring"  self or out all night with friends with you worried sick waiting up for him??

Reply to Worse

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