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Question
Posted by: SIGH | 2011/09/17

Married 25 yrs, husband now calls up GF of 30 yrs ago

Hi Doc,

I''ve been married for 25 years. In the past 10 years my husband has had one affair where I caught him out, He had a relationship with a lesbian who he called his soulmate and how much he loved her and then there were on an off flirtations at work, etc.
NOW....approx 3 weeks ago, he looked up a girlfriend on Facebook. He last saw her 30 yrs ago. He got a no for her and called her. Fortunately, she told him off. He did however let her know via somebody that he " loved her a lot but apartheid messed things up for them" . To me, this is totally unacceptable. I am the wife who stood by him thru thick and thin, and believe me, he''s not an easy person to live with. My question: Is it OK for him to call up an old girlfriend and apparently just to ask her how she is, when her nephew already told him she''s ok? I''m pretty sick of all this crap of his. I punched him twice in his face, and very hard, I may add. I phoned the woman today and she was just as shocked that he called her and told him to leave her alone, and IF he wants to talk to her, he should do so in the presence of his wife.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I think the very concept of "soul-mate" is pathetic and almost universally damaging. However, that is not your question. Nor is it about your husband getting in touch with his inner lesbian. Calling up a friend from long ago, male or female, isn't necessarily a sin nor an offense.
You say he[s not an easy person to live with. If you have been punching him hard in the face, may I suggest you might not be the easiest person to live with, either ?
Surely there is more wrong, but potentially rightable, in this marriage - wouldn't it be a really good idea to see a marriage counsellor, together ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

16
Our users say:
Posted by: ? | 2011/09/26

Yes well the worst thing a man can do to a woman is cheat, (except for beating her of course), so that kind of pissing off deserves not only a punch but a kick up his ar*se!

Reply to ?
Posted by: ? | 2011/09/23

Why is this woman''s problem being generalisede? She is hurting coz her husband treats her as if she is not good enough anymore after reaping the rewards of a 25 year marriage with her. THAT is the issue. I would certainly be pissed if my man did it to me!

Reply to ?
Posted by: Something 2 think about.......... | 2011/09/21

Ok by majority concensus it is okay for a wife to beat her husband in frustration and recieve support from society having done so.
Does the same apply to men who hit their wives??????????

Reply to Something 2 think about..........
Posted by: Faye | 2011/09/21

Punch him dear, men have been punching for many moons and get away wiht it. Women are being emotionall and physically abused, cheated on etc. A good punch for bad treatment wont kill him. Punch and walk away, he doesnt deserve you. If he was so unhappy why stay married to you for 25 years?

Reply to Faye
Posted by: password | 2011/09/21

I am just wondering if that was the first time you puched him. It is also possible that you pushed him to reflect on how his past could have been like, with the punhcing and all that you alone know to have done. I can imagine what would push a man to approach a lesbion for comfort. Chances are that you are man beater, and should be arrested. The man has not cheated but already you are teaching him a lesson. I feel sorry for the poor dude. If I were him i would kill myself.

Reply to password
Posted by: To Life Coach from L | 2011/09/21

You seem very inexperienced therefor you can publish such irrelevant statements. You cannot be selective in adressing issues and judge people on what they should and shouldnt do. Rather say you understand and come up with alternatives instead, isnt that what Life Coaches are supposed to do??

Reply to To Life Coach from L
Posted by: Romany | 2011/09/21

Seeing that the " punching"  part of the posters mail is brought up all the time.... good for you, I am sure you were provoked to do this and you have done what many other women wish they could do to men that cannot keep their pants on.

Either way... the question is:- : Is it OK for him to call up an old girlfriend and apparently just to ask her how she is, when her nephew already told him she''''s ok?

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Life Coach | 2011/09/20

Hi L
And no one is asking your opinion either about who or how you choose to support others, but you gave it anyway!
I now consider this correspondence closed.

Reply to Life Coach
Posted by: To Life Coach: from L | 2011/09/19

No one is asking your opinion about assault, I am merely supporting SIGH in her frustrations. TOo many women are quick to judge other women and their retaliation to men who treat them badly, they would even offer the men comfort and sex instead of pointing out the man''s errors. I for one will always support and assist an injured woman.

Reply to To Life Coach: from L
Posted by: Jenna | 2011/09/19

If you don''t trust him, or if you are having a difficult time because of the past, don''t you think it would be better to just leave him or rather go for some therapy instead of hitting him? Did you even give him a chance to explain or did you just go at him immediately? You may think he owes you because of the past, but you have dragged yourself down to his level by hitting him, and he may use this against you.

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: Romany | 2011/09/19

I too am not a believer of physical assult. However, this is not what your post is about..
He has obviously stuffed you around many times that you do not even know about and yes, he will find another.
Question is: do you want to stay in this abusive situation or do you want to move on with your own life, find someone to love you only and does not provoke you to violence?
I am sure if he did not " stuff" you around you would not have hit him??

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Life Coach | 2011/09/18

Dear L
It is NEVER EVER acceptable to physically assault your spouse in reaction to their behaviour!

Reply to Life Coach
Posted by: L | 2011/09/18

I think your husband is no longer content in your marriage, why else would he be looking for attentoin in all the wrong places? Perhaps you both have faults . But I must admit, I would probably punch my husband too if he turns around after 25 years of marriage and me sticking by him through thick and thin, and decides that I am no longer good enough and makes a mockery out of the marriage. He could be going through menopause. He has made it clear that he wants to look for happiness elsewhere, so maybe its best to cut your losses?

Reply to L
Posted by: Jenna | 2011/09/18

I agree with Life Coach- you are here moaning about a simple phone call but you physically assaulted him! He got turned down (which is humiliating for a man)- no need to go so far as to punch him! Gosh if you are so insecure as to get upset about one call that probably didn''t even last 10 minutes perhaps you need some counselling (and anger management).

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: Life coach | 2011/09/18

You punched him twice in the face! If he doesnt have an affair with this woman he will find another. The life skill to learn here is men do not often stay with wives who beat them up?

Reply to Life coach
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/18

I think the very concept of "soul-mate" is pathetic and almost universally damaging. However, that is not your question. Nor is it about your husband getting in touch with his inner lesbian. Calling up a friend from long ago, male or female, isn't necessarily a sin nor an offense.
You say he[s not an easy person to live with. If you have been punching him hard in the face, may I suggest you might not be the easiest person to live with, either ?
Surely there is more wrong, but potentially rightable, in this marriage - wouldn't it be a really good idea to see a marriage counsellor, together ?

Reply to cybershrink

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