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Question
Posted by: MK | 2010/12/06

Marriage - why?

How do I figure out if I still love my husband or not?
After 6 years of marriage, I cant remember why I married him.
Hes always struggling to make ends meet. Hes an angry person who is jovial around others.
He has a temper, he breaks things and he is a controlling person.
He makes other people laugh and he is happy with other people.
He is helpful to other people.
I use to argue with him to spend time with me ... now I dont care anymore
I use to wait for him to come home ... now I just go to bed
I use to worry if he had supper and use to cook .... now I dont care anymore
I use to talk to him in general ... now I talk to him when necessary

I am only now realising that he is such a voilent angry person.
I am only now realising that I am always picking up the pieces

I feel used and abused. He loves our toddler but he is so aggressive and belittling towards him.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Reminds me, somehow, of the bit in Alice in Wonderland, where someone says "The full horror of that moment, I will never forget" and someone else comments "You will, though, unless you make a note of it".
Has he actually changed ? Was he NOT this sort of person when you married him ? Or did you then, for a variety of reasons, overlook these aspects of him ? Is it your tolerance of these features than has decreased ?
Even from your description, it really doesn't sound as though he is likely to be very happy about the state of affairs, either. Why not talk calmly to him about this, and suggest some marriage counselling, which could benefit all of you, including the child ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Vrye Denker | 2011/01/19

You mentioned he isstruggling to make ends meet? I think you should explore that. it might be the root of the problem. I was in the same position a few years back. I had a job where I earned R1200 a month, but my expenses were R1500. It drove me insane. The only thing that got me through it was my girlfriend''s support. But still, it causes all sorts of problems and you wind up not being in the mood for anything. Food doesn''t tste good, music irritates you and the thought of talking to people repulses you. I could put up a great act, but it sucks when you can''t relax at home.

You need to treat the cause, and not the symptoms.

Reply to Vrye Denker
Posted by: JD | 2011/01/17

How does he feel?
I''m in the same frame of mind. Except we both contribute to the household. Me as the man(44) and breadwinner 60% and she (43)the rest.
It''s now the end. We start to argue a lot more, and are not yet at the fighting stage.Even with the kids (17& 14)in the house, we argue a lot.
There are a lot of live still left, and it''s not healthy according to me to spend it arguing and starting to hate each other with a passion.
I don''t think it''s possible for 2 ppl to be further apart without getting violent.

Reply to JD
Posted by: GomoAdono | 2011/01/16

Reply to GomoAdono
Posted by: zee | 2011/01/16

I agree with you MK when it comes to men who dont want to work but use you to pay bills and feed them.One will go out with other women on the wifes car and come back only in the morning when the wife is ready to go to work,that using the wife as a pillar but still not appreciating all what she does. You tend to tend to wonder why you married this person cause he is not right one for you and ask yourself a million questions.

Reply to zee
Posted by: Jelainhable | 2011/01/15

Reply to Jelainhable
Posted by: jj | 2010/12/18

MK
Do urself a favour and leave before u lose ur soul.

Reply to jj
Posted by: MK | 2010/12/08

I do have faults which I do not deny. I am the breadwinner of the family. My husband chooses not to work as he won’ t accept an entry level job. He steals money from me and I haven’ t had sex with him for 3years as he is not in the mood. He breaks things when he is angry and threatens me constantly in front of my toddler. He makes me feel like I am a lesser human being. I was in hospital for a week of depression and a few realities hit me. The first being a feeling of being used. He plays golf and goes out with his mates while I work. All I see is the debits and the debt … . I guess I am just tired.

Does this still sound like your wife.

Reply to MK
Posted by: DEFENCE | 2010/12/07

MK you sound like my wife.. only whinning and maonin.. sit still for a moment and think when last did you go to bed without food, when last did you sleep outside..sometimes we men provide and nothing is appreciated as it were when we were going out sometimes we just want you to hug us and kiss us for no reason why is it the man''s duty..we also want flowers..we also want kiss, remember how many times you denied " sex"  as you see it we see it as making love, remember the times when you using to hang unto ever word that comes over that lips..how many time has we put up with that whinning after a hard days work that we did not wanted to do but did it for our wifes and children... anger gets bottlesd up and when the bottle is full the liquid will flow unless a top is placed on it...REMEMBER THE HAPPY GOOD TIMES AND ASK URSELF WHAT AM I DOING WRONG..PLACE THE MIRROR IN BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND AND SEE YOURSELF WITH YOUR OWN FAULTS...

Reply to DEFENCE
Posted by: MK | 2010/12/07

Hi Martie
6 years and 16 years is a big difference but I guess you sometimes grow apart.
A friend of mine said to me that you know its over when you sit around the dinner table and have nothing to discuss except your kids.
I wish you well Martie.

Reply to MK
Posted by: Martie | 2010/12/06

I know how you feel. After 16 years I also am wondering why I married my husband. I definitely don''t love him anymore, although I respect him as a friend. I also find myself having to make an effort to care about feeding him etc. We do not have sex anymore and the thought of him and me doing it repulses me. I am 100% dependent on his salary and goodwill to survive. Just this morning I was wondering if you could really fall so much OUT of love that you don''t even WANT marraige councelling. All the best to you.

Reply to Martie
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/12/06

Reminds me, somehow, of the bit in Alice in Wonderland, where someone says "The full horror of that moment, I will never forget" and someone else comments "You will, though, unless you make a note of it".
Has he actually changed ? Was he NOT this sort of person when you married him ? Or did you then, for a variety of reasons, overlook these aspects of him ? Is it your tolerance of these features than has decreased ?
Even from your description, it really doesn't sound as though he is likely to be very happy about the state of affairs, either. Why not talk calmly to him about this, and suggest some marriage counselling, which could benefit all of you, including the child ?

Reply to cybershrink

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