advertisement
Question
Posted by: Mommy and wife | 2011/04/07

Marriage Q

Hi Doc....me and my husband have been maried for almost 19 years...We''ve been having some conflict and mariage problems lately. He says that his life is boring, nothing makes him excited anymore....He is having terrible stress at work also. He is 45yr old and I it feels to me that he just " isn''t into me"  that much anymore...He is isolating himself more and more from me and his family. He still tries to make an effert with our 2 boys, aged 3 and 7 yr old. He says that he still loves me...but I don''t think love is enough. He says that he feels tied down with responsibilities of being maried and having children...I told him he can try new hobies ect, but doesn''t look very interested...it''s mostly work, work, work...Never had friends and says that he don''t need people in his life. We struggled with infertility and our 2 boys are wonderfull adopted kids. So now he is starting to struggle with isues of never being abled to father biological kids, feels he is unattractive and not sexually attractive....our sexlife is very low...he just doesn''t seem interested anymore. I think he would have preferred to just back out of all of this and be alone...but he loves his family. This makes me feel very lonely and hopeless and he don''t believe in shrinks....Where do I start, what do I do?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

And you havent tried marriage counselling ? Apparently he is under awful stress and not enjoying life much, quite apart from anything to do with the relationship. If he isn't "into" much else, its hardly surprising he doesn't feel much "into" you or the relationship, and he should recognize that this is a reflection of his general situation, not something about you or the mariage as such.
Maybe he's been developing an anxiety disorder or Depression, and if so it should be properly treated, with counselling and perhaps medication.
There also seem to be aspects of a traditional "mid-life crisis" to his complaints.
It's so tragic when someone in such an obviously psychological painful situation "doesn't believe in shrinks" and thus cuts themselves off from the likeliest source of help and solutions. Fortunately, shrinks still believe in him, if he will give it a chance.
As maria suggests, you could perhaps more easily persuade him to see a GOP or general physician, and then prime the doctor with information about these other complaints, so he can check for, eg, depression, and suggest treatment for it.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

20
Our users say:
Posted by: mommy and wife | 2011/04/08

Same here, I don''t email men I don''t know...I''ve got enough nonsense in my life right now...don''t need more! d& h, maybe you could answer our Q? Seems as if more than 1 person can learn from you! Or is it one of those situations, where you are bored but can''t say why? My husband answered my Q in the mean tiime: He wants us to spend more time alone together.....visit exciting places ect.
:
:

Reply to mommy and wife
Posted by: T | 2011/04/07

Yip agree Maria thus my answer to his posts.
Obviously he is not able to answer our question.

Reply to T
Posted by: Maria | 2011/04/07

Emailing a man you don''t know from a public website is not a great way to work on your marriage.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: T | 2011/04/07

So why going on in us emailing you.
Just asked a question same with mommy &  wife in how can we do more.

Reply to T
Posted by: Daddy and Husband | 2011/04/07

i never asked you to excite my life T

Reply to Daddy and Husband
Posted by: T | 2011/04/07

Sorry although I " bore'' my husband, I def not gonna make your life exciting and email you.
Just needed to know what doesnt bore you and what can we as wives do.

Reply to T
Posted by: Daddy and Husband | | 2011/04/07

T - no my name does not start with a T - mail me guyh18 at yahoo dot com

Reply to Daddy and Husband |
Posted by: T | 2011/04/07

Daddy &  husband....... you sound just like my husband.
Ja...says he loves me, do everything he have to but...... his bored with me. So what do us as wives have to do in not to be boring.
Does your name start with an A?

Reply to T
Posted by: Daddy and Husband | 2011/04/07

Can i give you mine?

Reply to Daddy and Husband
Posted by: Daddy and Husband | 2011/04/07

How do we communicate then?

Reply to Daddy and Husband
Posted by: Mommy and wife | 2011/04/07

Surely D& H I can''t give out my email addres on a forum?!

Reply to Mommy and wife
Posted by: Daddy and Husband | 2011/04/07

Do you mail where i can reach you?

Reply to Daddy and Husband
Posted by: Mommy and wife | 2011/04/07

Yes Dadday and Husband...all the Questions in my last reply was directed to you...I was just wondering from a male perspective, what can be done to make things better and also, I was wondering if age has anything to do with his and your state of mind.

To Maria: Thanx for advice...we both thought that we could try to sometimes going away alone, like for 1 night without the kids...we never get time to talk without interruption...he mentioned that he really misses spending time with me alone...I realize that this is his responibility, but why am I fealing like the bad guy then?

Reply to Mommy and wife
Posted by: Daddy and Husband | 2011/04/07

Mommy and wife - was your last question directed to me?

Reply to Daddy and Husband
Posted by: Maria | 2011/04/07

He might simply not be able to answer that question. If he is depressed he is unlikely to know what will help him feel better. While you obviously want to do everything in your power to make your husband happy, you cannot take responsibility for his state of mind. You can try to create an environment at home which is conducive to health and happiness, but he will have to work on himself in order to change, you cannot do that for him.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Mommy and wife | 2011/04/07

If I may ask....what would you like your wife to do to make things better for you.....I told him, I''m willing to try ANYTHING, and I mean anything to make it better for him...How old are you? Why I''m asking...I was wondering about male menopause?

Reply to Mommy and wife
Posted by: Maria | 2011/04/07

Also try to see if you cannot as a family work on a healthier lifestyle that would benefit him. Take the kids for walks, go to the park to play, prepare healthy food together.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2011/04/07

It sounds as if your husband may be suffering from burnout. That means he is running on empty and has nothing left to give, it''s not personal and doesn''t reflect on you. Perhaps you should tell him that you are really concerned about his health and encourage him to go for a full medical checkup? You can then talk to the doctor before he goes and explain what your experience is, and the doctor can ask specific questions and make suggestions.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Daddy and Husband | 2011/04/07

I feel exactly the way your husband does. I love my wife and 2 kids but i am just " not into her" . I do everything that a husband should do for his wife and kids but i just find her boring although i love her.

Reply to Daddy and Husband
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/04/07

And you havent tried marriage counselling ? Apparently he is under awful stress and not enjoying life much, quite apart from anything to do with the relationship. If he isn't "into" much else, its hardly surprising he doesn't feel much "into" you or the relationship, and he should recognize that this is a reflection of his general situation, not something about you or the mariage as such.
Maybe he's been developing an anxiety disorder or Depression, and if so it should be properly treated, with counselling and perhaps medication.
There also seem to be aspects of a traditional "mid-life crisis" to his complaints.
It's so tragic when someone in such an obviously psychological painful situation "doesn't believe in shrinks" and thus cuts themselves off from the likeliest source of help and solutions. Fortunately, shrinks still believe in him, if he will give it a chance.
As maria suggests, you could perhaps more easily persuade him to see a GOP or general physician, and then prime the doctor with information about these other complaints, so he can check for, eg, depression, and suggest treatment for it.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement