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Question
Posted by: Mmatshepo | 2012/07/31

Marriage Problems

I am in a marriage where i feel there is not love, my husband is very aggresive and pushy. Most of the time i had noticed he blackmails me, now he wants to buy a car on my name and if i refuse he tells me that i must pack and go because he helped with many things which he did and i also helped him many times but not he is telling me if i don''t do it he will leave me. Except that he is not committed to family, most of the time he is out with friends patrying comes home 03h00 or 04h00 in the morining on saturdays every weekend, when i complain or call he says i " piss his off"  that the words he used. I stopped calling, i tried to tel him to make time for me and the child but he keeps on going Friday, Saturday and Sunday''s in and out of the house. Today i called my parents to come over and his parents they coming at 18h00, because i feel there is not love, i cook, respect him and do all the things he needs, in turn he always blames me, i suggested marriage counselling he refuses. I am thinking its better if we separate, and if i say that he tells me i am his wife and i am not gonna leave him, he married me, is not me who married his, its a fresh marriage, we got married in Dec 2010. I sleep less stressing, praying and think its better i am far away from him. At times he can be aggressive, so when i asked my lawyer last night, he said i should not quit its too early but i can''t carry this pain any more. I try to keep quite and at times discuss with him, he agrees its wrong but do the same thing again and again, i think i really want to be alone and have my peace. Of late i am in tears and stopped complaining to family or friends. Pls advice.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Indeed, it doesn't sound like a loving marriage, mainly on his side. Letting him buy a car in your name may really not be a good idea, and if he threatens to leave you over something like that, it sounds even more as though there is something wrong about the deal.
No proper husband or father stays out so late partying and drinking.
Is the home / house in your name or his ? If in your name, it is him who would need to leave. You probably need to find some good legal advice, to be sure of your rights, and how to protect them.
And be sure, if you two do part, that you go to court and have it arranged for him to pay proper maintenance for the child's expenses.
It sounds as though you have been more than reasonable, and i he sees no fault in his behavior, and refuses marriage counselling, then he has no right to expect you to just put up with his selfish behaviour.
Just be careful if there is any possibility of violence from him, as such p rimitive men, who consider their wife to be their property, rather than a full human being in your own right, can at times get violent to try to force you to acept what they want. Involving both families sounds like a good idea, and they both have a duty to protect you and the child.
A lawyer is, one hopes, qualified to advise on your legal rights ; he is NOT a marriage counsellor not qualified to advise you what to put up with or whether you should do so.
Let us know, on the forum, how this evening's family session goes.

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2012/07/31

You''re definitely not a bad person for wanting your life to improve. He''s the one at fault with his attitude.

Good luck with meeting the parents tonight. It''s definitely a step in the right direction. If you allow him to treat you like a doormat he will never have a reason to change the way he treats you. It''s well within your rights to refuse to buy a car on your name when it''s for his use. I also sincerely doubt that his previous failed marriage was his ex-wife''s fault. She probably got just as annoyed as you are with his selfish behavior and put an end to it. I know that I would if it were me!

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Mmatshepo | 2012/07/31

The house is rented and in his name, we were planning to buy property but i am no longer interested. On Saturday he threatened to lock the doors with the stoppers so that I cannot go inside the house, he also said he is moving out, so he will go to the bank and reverse the debit order as he is the one who pays, and he can''t pay for a place he won''t be staying in, I said " ok"  do that, I will try to get money somewhere and pay, he still got angry. I share equal expenses in the house as I buy groceries,maid,water and lights, dstv, house insurance and weekends groceries that runs short, all this costs goes to the same amount he pays for the rented house which is R4 200.00 (its even more). We were both married before (my late hubby passed away and for him he said it was ex-wife’ s fault) I though this will make us stronger as we had failed marriages but it looks worse now.
I have a car that i am paying for and he uses his office cars all the time, he is never without a car. He has a itc blacklisting and I was willing to help him buy this car, but with his conduct and attitude its not gonna go well at all. I am not sure if I am a bad person but this is just too much. Thanks for the responses and will keep you posted tomorrow.

Reply to Mmatshepo
Posted by: Lilly | 2012/07/31

Get out sweeti - things will never improve but can only get worse and do you really want to raise your baby in a loveless house? Is that the example you want to set for your child?

Reply to Lilly
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/31

Indeed, it doesn't sound like a loving marriage, mainly on his side. Letting him buy a car in your name may really not be a good idea, and if he threatens to leave you over something like that, it sounds even more as though there is something wrong about the deal.
No proper husband or father stays out so late partying and drinking.
Is the home / house in your name or his ? If in your name, it is him who would need to leave. You probably need to find some good legal advice, to be sure of your rights, and how to protect them.
And be sure, if you two do part, that you go to court and have it arranged for him to pay proper maintenance for the child's expenses.
It sounds as though you have been more than reasonable, and i he sees no fault in his behavior, and refuses marriage counselling, then he has no right to expect you to just put up with his selfish behaviour.
Just be careful if there is any possibility of violence from him, as such p rimitive men, who consider their wife to be their property, rather than a full human being in your own right, can at times get violent to try to force you to acept what they want. Involving both families sounds like a good idea, and they both have a duty to protect you and the child.
A lawyer is, one hopes, qualified to advise on your legal rights ; he is NOT a marriage counsellor not qualified to advise you what to put up with or whether you should do so.
Let us know, on the forum, how this evening's family session goes.

Reply to cybershrink

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