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Question
Posted by: Don''t know | 2010/04/06

Marriage not what it should be

My husband &  I have been married 14 years and have a 2 yr old and a 3 month old. We both work full-time and lilfe is just becoming more busy and rushed every day. We don''t seem to have much time for one another any more and sometimes I wonder if this is what married life is suppose to be like. He had an affair 7 years ago for which I forgave him (although I will never forget). My problem is that he never shows affection, never compliments me and I am tired of living in a marriage where I do not feel loved. He is an excellent father, helps a lot around the house and works hard. I suppose no marriage is perfect, but I really want to feel loved. I have spoken to him about it so many times and then I will get a bunch of flowers (no hugs and kisses). Should we go for marriage counselling (again!) or should I just accept things the way they are? I do not want anyone else and I really do love my husband.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

maria identifies the crux of the matter. To have enjoyed so many years as a pair of adults, and then to suddenly try to cope with two very young kids would exhaust and challenege anyone.
It sounds as though you really do love each other, but in your natural styles, you express that love in different ways. What you describe is indeed a loving man, expressing that love in ways many men do. And a wife who as you very accurately express it needs to "feel loved" - its not about being loved, it's about whether you FEEL loved. And that can often be a translation problem, as though you are both expressing your love for each other in different languages, dismissing whatever the other one says because it is aid in the wrong language, rather than listening to the meaning.

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Don''t know | 2010/04/07

Thanks for the response. I will get the book. We have already seen the movie " Fireproof"  but we haven''t done the challenge yet. Will try that.

Reply to Don''t know
Posted by: Just me | 2010/04/07

Try the movie Fireproof and the book that goes with it. Really helped us.

Reply to Just me
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/04/07

maria identifies the crux of the matter. To have enjoyed so many years as a pair of adults, and then to suddenly try to cope with two very young kids would exhaust and challenege anyone.
It sounds as though you really do love each other, but in your natural styles, you express that love in different ways. What you describe is indeed a loving man, expressing that love in ways many men do. And a wife who as you very accurately express it needs to "feel loved" - its not about being loved, it's about whether you FEEL loved. And that can often be a translation problem, as though you are both expressing your love for each other in different languages, dismissing whatever the other one says because it is aid in the wrong language, rather than listening to the meaning.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Maria | 2010/04/06

You didn''t have any kids for 12 years, so I think the feeling of life being one big rush is entirely normal since you''ve added two kids in 2 years. I''m assuming that the issues you are having with your husband has always been around and aren''t new. You are probably feeling it a lot more keenly now because of the pressure of coping with a toddler and a baby. I suggest you read a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It might explain why your husband thinks he is expressing his love for you, and you are not experiencing it that way. Take care.

Reply to Maria

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