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Question
Posted by: LaGee | 2012/05/10

Marriage in Distress

My relationship is in distress.

My man is 30 and I''m 27 and we''ve been together 4 and half years and been married for just over 2 months. The problem is, in the last 2yrs or so we''ve hardly had sex.

We used to spend a lot of time together, going out, exercising\walking and the like. Back then the sex was great. Abt 2 yrs ago he started saving for lobola which is when it all went wrong. He said we should stop going out as we wouldn’ t have much money while he was saving. But with that, the walks stopped as he wanted to join a gym, the visits to the parks to braai and chill also stopped.

The intimacy and connection in our relationship started fading. He would be distant all day and in the evening come home and watch soccer till after midnight. Then he would come to bed and grab my breasts or vagina when he wanted sex. As a result, I started withdrawing as i felt unloved and used. After a while he stopped trying which I was ok with.

Generally he doesn''t have time for me. He''s always watching soccer, or playing it on his PS3. He''s also always on his fone and only talks to me when he really has too. The only thing he does want to talk about is again his soccer and his music. Its hard being in a relationship where we can''t even sit down and talk about us and our future plans.

Now we''ve been married 2 months and I felt we had to try to enjoy each other sexually. After about 3wks of marriage and no sex, I initiated and we slept together. it was such a disappointment as he came in no time, leaving me feeling cheated and that was it. Now, he tries to initiate sex all the time. The problem is its only when he''s drunk and smelling like a brewery. This really hurts me coz it makes me feel like the only time he wants to sleep with me is when he''s drunk. As a result, since we''ve been married we''ve only had sex that one time.

He and his family want babies, but at this rate, it will be a miracle if we even manage one. I just want a healthy marriage and sex life. I want to know that I’ m with a man who cares about me and our future. Right now I get so lonely and he''s sitting right next to me playing his PS3.

Is there anything we can do to fix our relationship and our sex life? And it can’ t be counseling as he''s already told me he doesn''t want to go to anymore counseling (we went for pre marital counseling). A divorce is looking more and more like the only option, but it’ s only been 2 months!

Please help!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hmm. It couldn't have been mainly about money - walking together is free, isn't it ? Currently, it sounds less like a marriage, and more like an arrangement where you are both alone, but alone together.
Maybe you need to speak calmly but firmly to him, about how it's obvious that the marriage is going wrong between you, and you both need help to re-adjust things so you can each be happier. Strongly suggest Mariage COunselling, and make sure you get a really good local counsellor. It doesn't sound as though the pre-marital counsellor did any good at all, and may have just been out of his/her depth.
anon makes important points - this is obviously a man who feel rejected and failing, who needs to know that you do love him and want him, but that the circumstances ened adjustment for the sake of both of you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Rosco | 2012/05/11

Good advise there Anon.

Reply to Rosco
Posted by: anon | 2012/05/11

Look at yourself first. Just like you feel unloved because he does not talk to you, he feels unattractive and like a failure of a man because you keep rejecting him. Any and all relationships pass that first while of being inlove. Thats when you need to work on the relationship and not just expect it to work by itself. Instead of feeling lonely when he plays PS, buy a game that you can play together! If you start showing interest in his likes (PS, Soccer and music) he will automaticly begin to reconnect with you. Try giving him more of you and you will recieve more of him!!!

Reply to anon
Posted by: Phil | 2012/05/11

Not to be funny  but you are part of the problem. Read your response again. Evcerytime the man wants to have intimacy with you  you have some sort of issue?

He had a drink  you say he smell like a brewery and as a result you withdfrew.

He watches his sport or played PS3  comes to bed and initiate sex like most men do. You reject him as you feel unloved.

Yes he is also wrong, and he will have to change. But you rejecting him  is also a problem.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/05/11

Hmm. It couldn't have been mainly about money - walking together is free, isn't it ? Currently, it sounds less like a marriage, and more like an arrangement where you are both alone, but alone together.
Maybe you need to speak calmly but firmly to him, about how it's obvious that the marriage is going wrong between you, and you both need help to re-adjust things so you can each be happier. Strongly suggest Mariage COunselling, and make sure you get a really good local counsellor. It doesn't sound as though the pre-marital counsellor did any good at all, and may have just been out of his/her depth.
anon makes important points - this is obviously a man who feel rejected and failing, who needs to know that you do love him and want him, but that the circumstances ened adjustment for the sake of both of you.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/05/10

Why were these problems not picked up in pre marital councelling as ou have only been married 2 months but your se x life has been going down hill for 2 years??

Reply to Obvious

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