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Question
Posted by: John | 2011/07/14

Marriage going to the dogs

Hi,
I am 32year old male, very extreme introvert according to our psychiatrist at work after an assessment. Have a son of 2 and a half. Married for 6years on the 3rd July. My marriage is starting to go down the drain. Since before our son’ s birth it started to spiral downwards.
During the pregnancy we had zero intercourse. I was ignorant and thought that it’ s going to hurt the baby. I tried my best to be supportive during that time.
After the birth the bubble burst she said I didn’ t support her at all and that she is busy raising our son alone. I did confess that I was a bit distance because I didn’ t know what to do and feel in the way. I tried my best to be actively part of the bringing up of our son. But I still cannot please her. I also tried to make time for her but she brushed me off the whole time. It is so bad at this stage that I cannot touch her or rub her back or greet her with a kiss or give a hug. I am feeling so alone and unwanted. I also do most of the chores around the house in a bid to show her I am helping. I know she is probably getting me back for the hurt I caused her. But how can I turn her to see that I am really trying to be what she needs and wants. Its been 3years since an affectionate word came over her lips for me. I cannot carry on anymore. I am currently just staying for my son. He always calls us both together to play with him  he doesn’ t want to play on his own with one of us. Can he sense that we are not “ gelling”  anymore?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

One would hope that she could or would try to, tell the difference between your being uncaring and distant, and your being awkward and diffident. There is a difference betwen hurt intentionally inflicted and hurt accidentally caused, and one should respond to them differently. Hard to tell how much young kids sense about a couple, but they do at times seem in an uncanny fashion, to intui when things aren't going well. Surely marriage counseling is an option to be explored, and if she feels things have become unsatisfactory for her, and can see that you want to put things right, surely she ought to agree to take part ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sam | 2011/07/14

I agree with Gemma, do what she says, she hit the nail on the head. I think as a man there is no way you could ever know what happend in her head during the pregnancy, but you can try and bond now.

Reply to Sam
Posted by: Gemma | 2011/07/14

I can tell you one thing, I am in my 2nd pregnancy and cannot imagine my husband not touching me. At 24 weeks of pregnancy, we have an active sex life and with my first pregnancy, we had sex TWICE the day before I gave birth.... A pregnant woman needs that extra confidence and affection, espesially since we gain weight. You not touching her in her pregnancy, may have somehow signalled to her that you found her unattractive.... I can tell you this...if my husband didn''t find me attractive in pregnancy...then well...I doubt we''d be together now. A pregnant woman is sexy....has body changes...extra curves...and an appetite for sex.... Like you said, you were ignorant.... You have to tell her from your heart how you feel... write a letter to her.... Beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. If you love her, you''ll find her to be the most beautiful woman.... Treat her like one and make her feel like one... Candles, massage....soft music in the background... YOu have to bring out her vulnerable side...laughter always gets that right...do something crazy....put on some music and just STRIP for her... It''ll break the ice...do funny moves....lolyou have to melt her heart...sometimes...a man has to bury his ego or lose the woman he loves....

Reply to Gemma
Posted by: Queen | 2011/07/14

Talk to her.
Talk to her like you''ve never done before. She can''t read your mind to see how you feel about her and the marriage in general. Tell her about your fears and insecurities. Tell her how you felt while she was pregnant, tell her you are trying to make it up to her. You need to re-create that connection and the lines of communication. Again, talk to her. Don''t assume she can see you are trying.

Being an introvert does not mean being distant, that is a choice you make.

Reply to Queen
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/07/14

One would hope that she could or would try to, tell the difference between your being uncaring and distant, and your being awkward and diffident. There is a difference betwen hurt intentionally inflicted and hurt accidentally caused, and one should respond to them differently. Hard to tell how much young kids sense about a couple, but they do at times seem in an uncanny fashion, to intui when things aren't going well. Surely marriage counseling is an option to be explored, and if she feels things have become unsatisfactory for her, and can see that you want to put things right, surely she ought to agree to take part ?

Reply to cybershrink

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