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Question
Posted by: Louise | 2010/12/08

Marriage Break Up

My husband of 8 years told me 2 weeks ago that our marriage is over. He says he has not got over the death of his mum 9 years ago and finds it difficult to express his feelings. Our marriage has always been a bit of a roller coaster but we did love each other. He tells me he loves me to the bone, puts his arms round me and tells me he never wants to be without me and tells me I am the only person who has ever understood him. He says he needs to move out and have a break so he can get his head together, in addition to which he says he is going to get councilling. My problem is that he feels it is ok to come and go as he pleases, sometimes staying out all night and has told me he will not be here on Christmas Day or Boxing Day. He keeps his phone on him all the time and is very secretive. He has been unfaithful before. The situation is destroying me. I have asked him to go now and rent a room somewhere before he gets his own place but he won''t. I have eaten twice in the last fortnight and shake constantly. He can''t see that he is doing anything wrong and tells me I''m paranoid and making the situation worse. He goes between saying we will have a break for a couple of months and then he might want to come back but it could be longer. I have very few friends as over the years he has driven them away and my family are not around. Somebody please help me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He can and should get counselling while still within your family - just moving our solves nothing - these geographical therapies are not useful.
And when he stays out all night, he is NOT seeing a therapist. It certainly sounds as though he is cheating, and definitively he uis acting cruelly and selfishly.
Tell him that you will consider joining him in marriage counselling NOW, but not later, and that it looks as though he is keeping you as a lifeboat in case his new girl friend doesn't work out, and this is not tolerable. Then consult a lawyer to protect your rights.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Been there | 2010/12/20

Be strong and stand up for yourself. Don''t let him make the rules. He is treating you like dirt and you don''t deserve it. Been in a similar situation, but my husband confessed to the affair and told me that he loved me and the other woman. It hurt like hell! We went for counselling while we were together and I told him that he had to choose, as I won''t stay in a marriage without 100% commitment from his side. It was extremely difficult and took me 2 years to forgive and move on. Today (7 years later!) we are very happy and have 2 beautiufl children. If he is having an affair, counselling is a MUST if you want to save your marriage. You also need to understand what went wrong, otherwise it could happen again. Good luck. You are in my thoughts.

Reply to Been there
Posted by: Unique | 2010/12/08

I wonder why he thinks he will find you waiting for me if/when he decides to come back.

Reply to Unique
Posted by: QQ... | 2010/12/08

Been there...done that. Every single post is 100% correct. You are the second choice here

Reply to QQ...
Posted by: re | 2010/12/08

-|- this fool...finding something younger turned this fool into a retard.....Lady you are lucky he is leaving your-|-alone. I say let him have his cake but let him know he can''t eat it. Change the locks...you are not running a hostel. ths bastard can''t come and leave as he pleases.

Reply to re
Posted by: Just Me | 2010/12/08

He''s giving you the hot-cold treatment along with a hundred and one excuses, plus given himself complete freedom to come and go as he pleases. He MIGHT want to come back...I BEG YOUR PARDON!!
Louise, the writings on the wall! At this stage of the game, he simply does not deserve you. Take a few paces backwards, have a relook at the bigger picture. Pack his things and lay down the law on YOUR terms. He has probably long gone moved on, while you''re still sitting at zero wondering what the hell happened.
Take him on at his own game. An emotionally battered women needs to fight back LONG before they''re flat on the floor. Don''t spoil YOUR Christmas, rather give a Christmas present that he won''t forget in a long time.

Reply to Just Me
Posted by: Shaz | 2010/12/08

Hi Louise
I am sorry to say, but it sounds like he has met someone else. If that is the case, it is a pity he can''t be honest with you. Might be scared you will take him to the cleaners. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Not easy!

Reply to Shaz
Posted by: Lovey | 2010/12/08

He is definitely cheating! He must go now.. Start eating so that you can gather strength to deal with this, he is very selfish if you ask me.

Reply to Lovey
Posted by: MEL | 2010/12/08

Sorry but it seems to me like he is seeing someone else and remember past predicts future unfortunetely in most instances I think you should pack his bags and leave it at the frnt door thats sure to show him you are serios the fact that he says he want s a break for a few months is to see if it works out with the other girl... not fair

Reply to MEL
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/12/08

He can and should get counselling while still within your family - just moving our solves nothing - these geographical therapies are not useful.
And when he stays out all night, he is NOT seeing a therapist. It certainly sounds as though he is cheating, and definitively he uis acting cruelly and selfishly.
Tell him that you will consider joining him in marriage counselling NOW, but not later, and that it looks as though he is keeping you as a lifeboat in case his new girl friend doesn't work out, and this is not tolerable. Then consult a lawyer to protect your rights.

Reply to cybershrink

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