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Question
Posted by: Confused and despondent | 2011-04-08

Marriage and Friendships

Just short of a year ago, my husband found out that I’ d become quite friendly with a male friend of ours. He was a friend to both of us but I got on really well with him and we often talked and I met him for lunch/coffee a few times. I am also friendly with his wife. He is a family friend and we spend a lot of time with the rest of his family as well. My husband did not like the fact that I talked to him so much and asked if I was having an affair. I told him that I wasn’ t and that he was just a good friend to me, which is the truth. My husband felt that he’ d been backstabbed by this man and he told me that I wasn’ t allowed to meet him anymore. I haven’ t seen him alone since but we’ ve been to a few family functions where he has been there. My husband has made it very clear that he hates this man and will not have anything to do with him. This whole thing has made me very sad as he was a good friend to me and I am very close to his family as well –  it almost makes me feel like I’ m being forced to choose between my family and my husband. I have been on anti-depressants as I felt so depressed with this entire fiasco but have just recently come off them as I felt things were getting better. There were issues in my marraige and we have been for counselling recently where we talked about this issue and I thought that things had been resolved. I had never wanted to hurt my husband in any way but I do realise that I did and for that I have apologised. What surprises me is the intense anger and hatred that my husband feels for this man even though he knows that we didn’ t have an affair! Yesterday, I arranged to meet some friends out and this was there. I told my husband that he was there and he freaked out. I felt that I was honest about it and thought that by telling him it would be ok as I had nothing to hide. He has told me that I have little regard for his feelings and I just don’ t care and that when this man was there I should have left straight away. He says he never wants to have any contact whatsoever with him and will not go to any function if he is there –  which obviously means that I won’ t be able to go either. I just don’ t know what to do any more! Perhaps I have got myself into this predicament but I just don’ t know how to fix it. I have always had lots of male friends but somehow this friendship has been made into such an issue. What do I do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I understand a husband saying : "I wish you wouldn't spend time alone with this guy, it makes me feel bad" ; but not "You're Not Allowed to be with him". And it sounds as though your husband feels really insecure about your relationship and mariage.
Where there are distinct problems in life, antidepressants don't help at all, unless there is a clear and properly diagnosed Depression, and even then they only at best halp partially - they don't solve the problems. That's where counselling comes in. And there's a diference betwen feeling sad about something that IS sad, and being depressed.
Annoyed makes a good point, that to actually feel so sad about not seeing this one particular man, sounds like there was indeed more to this relationship than you admit.
And isn;t pat of the problem not that you used to meet with this man at all, but that you met together without others, without your husband knowing, and without inviting him to koin you sometimes ?
It was wise to have some counselling together, but it sounds as though that proces is FAR from complete, and needs to be continued, maybe even with a more experienced counsellor.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Another View | 2011-04-08

What do l do ?

YOU STOP HAVING COFFEE/LUNCH WITH THIS MAN!

Reply to Another View
Posted by: Truth | 2011-04-08

lt is an insult to your husband and all of us that you expect us to believe this is the whole story!
If you truley loved your husband and had only platonic feelings for your male friend you would have no problem in not seeing him.
You state you have other issues in your marriage, women who care about their husbands do not go out with other men whenthey are seriously engaged in councelling!

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Me | 2011-04-08

So confused and despondent...what do you have to say...any comments on replies you got??

Reply to Me
Posted by: ABC | 2011-04-08

Seems to me like you had an emotional affair with this friend of yours. That''s why you miss him so much that it drove you to depression

Reply to ABC
Posted by: Annoyed | 2011-04-08

I in a small way understand your problem, but I funny enough feel more sympathy for your husband, the fact that you are getting depressed of not been able to see this other guy kind of shows me that you have more than just friendship feelings, secondly you should not have to choose between your family and your husband, your husband comes first, he is your family. The only reason why your husband is reacting this way is because he feels threatened. I would also if my wife was having lunch with some other man without letting me know and never inviting me with

Reply to Annoyed
Posted by: Phil | 2011-04-08

You are wrong. You are married, respect your mariage. It works both ways.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-04-08

I understand a husband saying : "I wish you wouldn't spend time alone with this guy, it makes me feel bad" ; but not "You're Not Allowed to be with him". And it sounds as though your husband feels really insecure about your relationship and mariage.
Where there are distinct problems in life, antidepressants don't help at all, unless there is a clear and properly diagnosed Depression, and even then they only at best halp partially - they don't solve the problems. That's where counselling comes in. And there's a diference betwen feeling sad about something that IS sad, and being depressed.
Annoyed makes a good point, that to actually feel so sad about not seeing this one particular man, sounds like there was indeed more to this relationship than you admit.
And isn;t pat of the problem not that you used to meet with this man at all, but that you met together without others, without your husband knowing, and without inviting him to koin you sometimes ?
It was wise to have some counselling together, but it sounds as though that proces is FAR from complete, and needs to be continued, maybe even with a more experienced counsellor.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-04-08

I understand a husband saying : "I wish you wouldn't spend time alone with this guy, it makes me feel bad" ; but not "You're Not Allowed to be with him". And it sounds as though your husband feels really insecure about your relationship and mariage.
Where there are distinct problems in life, antidepressants don't help at all, unless there is a clear and properly diagnosed Depression, and even then they only at best halp partially - they don't solve the problems. That's where counselling comes in. And there's a diference betwen feeling sad about something that IS sad, and being depressed.
Annoyed makes a good point, that to actually feel so sad about not seeing this one particular man, sounds like there was indeed more to this relationship than you admit.
And isn;t pat of the problem not that you used to meet with this man at all, but that you met together without others, without your husband knowing, and without inviting him to koin you sometimes ?
It was wise to have some counselling together, but it sounds as though that proces is FAR from complete, and needs to be continued, maybe even with a more experienced counsellor.

Reply to cybershrink

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