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Question
Posted by: Fefe | 2010/06/01

Marriage

I feel so scared to tell my parents that my man proposed marriage, mind you I am 34 yrs. I really love and want to marry the guy. My problem is I was married once and got out it badly. Ex-hubby abused me and treated me badly, it was just so awful and scary to think about. That was 2 years ago. Now I found myself a man, but since my parents were there for me through bad times in my marriage every step of the way, I feel like this new man is going to hurt me as well, and I will again cause problems for my parents. I trust him but I feel as if they will think I am stupid to agree to be married again. The guy is asking for an answer and I keep on delaying the whole thing, he already told his family and they are waiting for me to give them a date for negotiations from my family’  s side. He is suspicious that I don’  t want commit to him.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

At 34, you are independent, and while your parents may be pleased or not pleased, its entirely up to you. OK, you have had one previous really bad experience with marriage. And you appreciate how they supported you then. Now, if you both like this guy enough to continue to see him, and yet fea that he might, however nice he seems now, turn out to be like the brite you previousl maried, this needs to be adressed. You would enefit from seeing a counselor to help you sort out your feelings and feas, and examine whether they are appropriate to this situation, or unpleasant hangovers from the past needlessly disturbing the present.
Have you ever discussed this broadl with your parents - about how you would like a happy mariage, and asking how they would feel if such an opportunity turned up in the present or future ?
Now you don't seem to have discussed any aspect of your misgivings with him, and he apparently doesn't know what's happening. Yet surely sometime soon, whatever you do, someone, from his family and friends, will mention this to your parents, who may surprise you by being happy for you - but will probably feel unhapp that yopu chose not to discuss this with them.
Talk with them, while you're still more in control of where and when, and without leaving it to them to decide what you do, make sure you are responding to what they actually think, rather than what you assume they will think

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: zan | 2010/06/04

girl d not let the pas get the worst out of u coz wht if he is your Mr rite and what if u guys where realy meant to be together wht if.......

Reply to zan
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/06/01

At 34, you are independent, and while your parents may be pleased or not pleased, its entirely up to you. OK, you have had one previous really bad experience with marriage. And you appreciate how they supported you then. Now, if you both like this guy enough to continue to see him, and yet fea that he might, however nice he seems now, turn out to be like the brite you previousl maried, this needs to be adressed. You would enefit from seeing a counselor to help you sort out your feelings and feas, and examine whether they are appropriate to this situation, or unpleasant hangovers from the past needlessly disturbing the present.
Have you ever discussed this broadl with your parents - about how you would like a happy mariage, and asking how they would feel if such an opportunity turned up in the present or future ?
Now you don't seem to have discussed any aspect of your misgivings with him, and he apparently doesn't know what's happening. Yet surely sometime soon, whatever you do, someone, from his family and friends, will mention this to your parents, who may surprise you by being happy for you - but will probably feel unhapp that yopu chose not to discuss this with them.
Talk with them, while you're still more in control of where and when, and without leaving it to them to decide what you do, make sure you are responding to what they actually think, rather than what you assume they will think

Reply to cybershrink

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