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Question
Posted by: lolly | 2011/07/08

Marital problems

We have been married for four and a half years. We were dating for about 8 months when my husband started talking about us getting married. Getting married was still an idea in our heads when I fell pregnant with our first child. We then decided to get married straight away. That is when all our problems started. My husband continued to have relationships with his girlfriends from before we were married  he was irritable most of the time. I sensed resentment whenever I looked at his eyes. There were times when we were happy together. It happened that I fell pregnant again and this put a lot of strain in our life as I had to deal with a toddler and a baby. He continued the relationship with his girlfriend and had another one. I would find text messages that he had sent to women in his cellphone. Whenever I confronted him about the messages he would tell me I had no reason checking his cellphone and we would end up fighting. Our relationship gradually improved and he stopped belittling me and our fights declined drastically. We started enjoying our marriage and I thought the worst was over. I fell pregnant again and when my baby was a few weeks old he had an affair again. This really destroyed me and I was in a dark place for weeks. He apologised and promised to end things with the girl and I believe he did. After a while though I found messages again on his phone to other women. We finally talked about things and he said he just sends the messages to make the women feel ''nice'', he doesnt mean them. He promised to stop sending them but I cant help thinking that after a few weeks he will send them again. I am now tired of this situation and I dont know what to do. He is a very responsible man who loves his kids and spends a lot of time with us at home. He never comes home late. I love him very much but this situation is now too much for me to handle.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Nothing about this marriage sounds promising. You didn't know each other well to start with, and its not clear why he so suddenly wanted to rush into marriage - especially if he had no intention of giving up the other women he played with, or would resent the perfectly reasonable expectation that he should do so. Pregnancy was avoidable, and its not clear why either of you chose this option.
Apparently he continued to cheat on you throughout, and you seem to have accepted this, and to have stopped complaining about it. Then another pregnancy and another major affair. "Apologising" doesn't really make up for this long and persistent practise of infidelity.
NOBODY alive has ever or will ever send messages to other women "just to make them feel nice" - and I'll bet he never took care to send such cheery messages to awfully ugly women who might deserve some cheering up from this charitable cheerer upper, but that he only sent these kind gifts to the sort of women he would enjoy sleeping with. Or maybe already had.
He is absolutely NOT " a very responsible man" in any of the usual meanings of those words, but maybe he is responsible in regard to helping you care for the children ?
See a marriage counsellor together to see if this can be fixed, though I very much doubt it, as he seems happy to cheat and lie about it, and to be selfish and immature, and you seem largely content to accept his lies and excuses. At least counseling could help you decide more wisely what to do about this, and perhaps to separate with him paying maintenance and visiting the kids, as the decisions have to be based on what would be best for the children

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/07/09

Nothing about this marriage sounds promising. You didn't know each other well to start with, and its not clear why he so suddenly wanted to rush into marriage - especially if he had no intention of giving up the other women he played with, or would resent the perfectly reasonable expectation that he should do so. Pregnancy was avoidable, and its not clear why either of you chose this option.
Apparently he continued to cheat on you throughout, and you seem to have accepted this, and to have stopped complaining about it. Then another pregnancy and another major affair. "Apologising" doesn't really make up for this long and persistent practise of infidelity.
NOBODY alive has ever or will ever send messages to other women "just to make them feel nice" - and I'll bet he never took care to send such cheery messages to awfully ugly women who might deserve some cheering up from this charitable cheerer upper, but that he only sent these kind gifts to the sort of women he would enjoy sleeping with. Or maybe already had.
He is absolutely NOT " a very responsible man" in any of the usual meanings of those words, but maybe he is responsible in regard to helping you care for the children ?
See a marriage counsellor together to see if this can be fixed, though I very much doubt it, as he seems happy to cheat and lie about it, and to be selfish and immature, and you seem largely content to accept his lies and excuses. At least counseling could help you decide more wisely what to do about this, and perhaps to separate with him paying maintenance and visiting the kids, as the decisions have to be based on what would be best for the children

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: LP | 2011/07/08

All I can I say is...a leopard never changes it spots!

Reply to LP
Posted by: Me | 2011/07/08

Hmm unfortunately you are the only one who can make a decision of ending this. We might talk and write but for as long as you do not have the moment of closure we are not going to help. Keep praying and keep talking if you feel you still want to call him MY HUSBAND OR MY EX. Good luck and I must say you were maybe lucky to get married after eight months of dating. I am with my boyfriend for 6 years still dating with a 4 year baby girl

Reply to Me
Posted by: Faye | 2011/07/08

What he is doing is cruel and selfish. Dont you think you deserve better than this?

Reply to Faye
Posted by: Laurei | 2011/07/08

He doesnt sound very responsible when he sends flirty-flirt, suggestive or complimentary messages to other women whilst he is married to another woman and a father of children. Sounds like he wants his bread buttered on both sides and keep his options open. This is done at your expense, he sounds like a selfish and immature fool, which is a dangerous combinatoin for someone placed in such an imporant role such as a husband and father.

Reply to Laurei

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