Posted by: P | 2012-11-06

Marital Issues

Hi Prof

this is my 1st time posting :-) I have been a fan for the past 2yrs. I have an issue which is actual a very long story but I will be brief:

I have been with hubby for 6yrs and he has a kid from a long term relationship - before we got together. In the 6yrs I have been patient and supportive to both hubby and the kid but now feel overwelmed, used and neglected by this whole situation. My hubby''s priority lies with them. He pays maintenance, and is on their every beg and call. He even goes to the point of loaning money for them. This kids mother is engaged and refuses to look for employment (for the past 6yrs). Hubby does more for this kid then for our biological son. I am at a point of just leaving because I have raised this issue so many times with him that he is now under the impression that I dislike the kid.

It has nothing to do with the kid but more about the mothers responsibility towards this kid and the kid''s future with the mother staying unemployed - and not spending enough quality time with this kid because the kid is with us every single w/end, and every single activity this kid has, we have to attend and fund. And yet I do everything for our bio kid alone, no support from him or an offer to contribute towards our kid.

HELP PLEASE - cause I feel like leaving

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Welcome for your first post after apparently years of lurking with your exquisite good taste !
Obviously it says something good about your husband that he is so concerned to care for his child, although it seems very clear that the mother has chosen to take the lazy route and exploit the situation to please herself. I wonder, if the amount of maintenance were to be decided in a court, whether it would be a smaller amount and with a clearly stated expectation that the mother should seek work and at least support herself.
For him to be available IN EMERGENCIES to assist, such as if the child is ill, is fine - to be running around when the mother calls, and wants a light-bulb changed, is less fine. Its a matter of proportion, isn't it ? From your description it sounds as though the mother is being neglectful, and maybe this needs to be looked into, even by Child Welfare. It sounds as though the expenditure of money and time by yourselves would be hardly any more if the child left his mother's "care" and came to live with you, and at least that would make it clear that the woman would have to actually care for and support herself.

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Our users say:
Posted by: XXX | 2012-11-06

It is very difficult being a father in a divorce situation,you want to be there for your child/ren from the previous marriage &  it is sometimes tough to know where to draw the line.
I think you should meet with a professional who can help &  guide both of you.He needs guidance in how far he should go and what is expected of him.
Don''t blame him,it is a very difficult and common problem.He is trying to be a good father to his child from the previous marriage but is perhaps neglecting his from your marriage-without even possibly realizing it.

Reply to XXX

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