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Question
Posted by: dw | 2011/11/02

manners and clothes

I have this problem: my bf has no manners - he doesn''t allow me to go through the door first, sometimes he just pushes past me when I am about to go through the entrance, he doesn''t open the car door for me. I actually wait for him to open the car door at times and he just laughs at me!!! I have spoken to him about this as it is the little things that money cant buy that make me feel special. He said he knows he has a problem with his manners and will work on it. But he keeps on forgetting. He is 40 years old, so he is not a youngster who thinks these things are pointless.

Another thing is that when we go out at night together, I spend time making myself look nice, I do my hair, put on a pretty dress, makeup to make myself attractive for him. However, he spends no effort. I have seen him in the same 2 t-shirts since we have been going out (obviously washed). Last week I asked him if he could please put on another t-shirt (the t-shirt he had on was one he would wear on a saturday afternoon playing with his kids) and he dismissed me. I had spent an hour sprucing myself up, all he could have done was put on a nice shirt for once - not a T-shirt. All these little things are weighing me down and we have only been together for 4 months, however known each other forever (maybe this is the problem - he still sees me as his friend). I feel I should still be experiencing butterflies about him, but that has gone. I have spoken to him about these issues, so cant keep on nagging...I am not his mother. Any suggestions?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

People of 40, male or female, are not very likely to change their habits. But neither of you are right or wrong, just diferent in how you choose to behave and what you expect of yourselves and of each other.
He's probably basically lazy and wasn't brought up to expect to behave in this way.
However, it has become confusing for men who try to behave well. Some women, like you, are upset if we don't do the "open the door" thing, but some women not only don't expect it or want it, but are openly scornful or rude when we try to do it. Some seem to find it a pleasant, somewhat old-fashioned way of being polite and considerate, some seem to find it an almost ofensive form of insult to their concept of feminism.
So I think it's polite for a woman to indicate to the guy broadly what she likes - and it is then only good manners for him to generally aim to meet her expectations ? It costs nothing to open a door.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Tracey | 2011/11/02

Leave him.
My ex was the same and it transferred to many other things.
If he can''t make the effort in effect you are not worth it.
My ex was slopping about his dress, his home, his manners (not dirty just a no care attitude). He also said he did not care about material things and that was only because he could not afford much.
His don''t care attitude got a bit much for me, so I let him know that I did not care that much either - Goodbye.
There is nothing like a good old fashioned gentleman and you deserve to be treated like a lady. Get someone who appreciates you and is not afraid to show it. Let him find a sloppy t-shirt girl at the 2nd hand girlfriend store.

Reply to Tracey
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/11/02

People of 40, male or female, are not very likely to change their habits. But neither of you are right or wrong, just diferent in how you choose to behave and what you expect of yourselves and of each other.
He's probably basically lazy and wasn't brought up to expect to behave in this way.
However, it has become confusing for men who try to behave well. Some women, like you, are upset if we don't do the "open the door" thing, but some women not only don't expect it or want it, but are openly scornful or rude when we try to do it. Some seem to find it a pleasant, somewhat old-fashioned way of being polite and considerate, some seem to find it an almost ofensive form of insult to their concept of feminism.
So I think it's polite for a woman to indicate to the guy broadly what she likes - and it is then only good manners for him to generally aim to meet her expectations ? It costs nothing to open a door.

Reply to cybershrink

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