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Question
Posted by: Pink | 2010/02/11

Man of 30 sides with his mom and makes light of the situation

Dear Doc,

What does it mean when your fiance' s mom tells you, ' ' if things don' t work out between you, his feelings will be hurt but he has me in his life and he will meet his perfect match and that he will be a perfect husband.' '  She reiterated herself at least 3 times if not more. She also made it clear that his got a good job, integrity, honest, reliable and she knows her son very well. Out of shock i kept quiet then she went on by saying, ' ' look, i will be completely honest with you i spoke to ' ' my son' '  and i told him i think you will cause him to have a heart by pass.' '  Bear in mind his dad had a heart by pass last year.

I was deeply hurt, offended that im sure she could see i was starting to get emotional, but i kept myself strong. This is a women that always would come to me to talk and say she likes me.

I told my fiance what his mom said to me in the room. His reaction was: ' ' Do not get me involved in your days of lour lives stories regarding my mom.' '  He was not in the least upset, infact he said, she only looking out for his best interest.

My questions: His almost 31 going to get married later this year, should he not know what he wants? Should a MAN not be standing by his future wife? After all a man leaves home to make a new home with his new wife and kids? Was it right for him to say what he said? Am i over reacting by been very angry and offended or should i let things go and just carry on as normal or should i cut my losses and leave while i can? Lastly, do you think this will most likely happen again in the future?

I am deeply hurt the way his mom came out and what she said, but i can get over it and forgive her, but what makes it worse is that the MAN im suppose to marry did not get upset and check his mother or stand by me, on top of all that i never thought he would side with his mom over me even though she was in the wrong.

Also doc, I tend to get very nervous and uncomfortable around his family, do you perhaps have a reason for that? Bearing in mind that I only get shy when im with his family.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Purple's answer is perfect. There's really nothing substantial to add to it.
To a mother like that, NO woman will be his "perfect match", not a cross between Angelinia Jolie and Mother Theresa.
Osm't it curious that while she claims you will cause her son to need a heart bypass - if her reasoning holds water, SHE caused her own husband to have a heart bypass.
His reaction is ominous, and suggests things will only get worse after marriage.
A warning - decide on what is best for you. And that may be to end this relationship and wait for a man who has actually grown up and has his own independent thoughts - but don't let the idea that ending the engagwement may delight his mom, prevent you from doing just that IF it is best for you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Dude | 2010/02/11

I am 29 years old and my mom did something similar, i told my mom where to get off and never to interfere in our lives again. It has been 2 years since and my mom knows her place.

He is 31 already and he is not standing up for the women his is going to marry. Sweetheart, if his siding with his mommy now he will be doing exactly that when you married. She also does not know where her place is, that because her son has not done anything about it.

I know it can be difficult, but it is best to cut your losses and be with a MAN that can be there for YOU when external issues arise. He obviously is not man enough, and that is okay but that does not mean to say you have to be with someone or SETTLE with someone that cannot stand up for you.

You need to decide can you handle that for the rest of your life? Its a minor thing now but when you have kids together she might say you a bad mom or something and guess what your fiance is not going to put an end to it or get involved.

Baiscally, your fiance was WRONG to say that! Becasue what affects you and hurts you should affect him. If he LOVES YOU!

You should not be feeling shy or nervous around them. How long do you know each other, how many times have you met his parents? Do you spend time at his place? Do you feel you cannot be who you are around them?

You giving him a heart bypass, his mom was just trying to make you feel bad by hurting your feelings and she did. Also he is old enough to make his own food and decide on what is healthy or not.

These are all questions you need to ask yourself. Hope this was helpful.


Have a good one!

Reply to Dude
Posted by: Pink | 2010/02/11

Thank you very much, i got my answer!! Also, Doc you hit it on the nail, when you said, ' '  SHE caused her own husband to have a heart bypass.' '  Because she new nothing about cooking when she got married, she told me this herself. I also have never cooked as i am studying and getting my carreer prospective.

Do you perhaps know why i get so shy and nervous around them?

Reply to Pink
Posted by: Pink | 2010/02/11

Thanks purple. I know his mom interferes in his brothers marriage. Constantly talking about her daughter-in-law but when the two are together she talks as if they great buddies.

She has been very welcoming, loving and has treated me with repect until recent

Reply to Pink
Posted by: Pink | 2010/02/11

Reply to Pink
Posted by: Purple | 2010/02/11

You' re not even married to him yet, and already his mother has made it clear she will make your life difficult and he' s made it clear he' s not mature enough to set boundaries.

Remember that the tiniest little hairline cracks in your relationship turn into grand canyons over the years. The endearing things he does now that make him so cute and lovable are the things that will drive you insane in years to come.

If in this first blush of love you are having serious doubts, then have a long hard thnk about things.

Before you make any decisions though, ask him if his mother interferes in all his relationships or is this the first time (I doubt its the first). Also ask him why he doesn' t tell her to butt out - he' s an adult.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/11

Purple's answer is perfect. There's really nothing substantial to add to it.
To a mother like that, NO woman will be his "perfect match", not a cross between Angelinia Jolie and Mother Theresa.
Osm't it curious that while she claims you will cause her son to need a heart bypass - if her reasoning holds water, SHE caused her own husband to have a heart bypass.
His reaction is ominous, and suggests things will only get worse after marriage.
A warning - decide on what is best for you. And that may be to end this relationship and wait for a man who has actually grown up and has his own independent thoughts - but don't let the idea that ending the engagwement may delight his mom, prevent you from doing just that IF it is best for you.

Reply to cybershrink

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