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Question
Posted by: silly | 2010-11-25

low self esteem

i''m a stay at home with low self esteem, some are proud to be a stay at home mum, but i feel incensed when i heard someone referring to me as a housewife.... all my university pals r working as accountants or lawyers, if i see them at a mall, i duck and dive. so everyday i stay indoors spending spare time on internet, and of course this only makes my bad self image worse. i feel dumb and disconnected, lacking in social skills, isolated, easily moody, jealous, comparing,self absorbed..what''s more, i''ve become lazier by the day and cannot imagine going out to work...well, i don''t need to so i stay in this comfort zone. however it doesn''t mean i enjoy doing nothing and not being a contributing member of society.

my husband and i have very similar background in that he did not really have a good childhood either eg. we r brought up to think we are better than others perhaps status wise but on the other hand parents can also treat us worse than a dog. ( btw, i have a cousin who''s dad is same as my mum, result is she tried to kill herself a few years ago).after school when our friends were playing at each others houses, this was just a fantasy for us. i was sexually abused too but my father never lived with us, so i would say damage more from my single mum. anyway, my husband is very understanding because he has been where i''ve been, but he overcame it, by reading self help books, by practising, by being forced to socialize.
i have a stack of self help books , eventually it did not help me.

it''s really not nice to live like this everyday, each damn day is a drama and unhappy, i just want to be normal and balanced, and at least i also want to have some friends, and i don''t want to think sooooooo much. i know it''s not depression, but anybody who is living like me everyday with my thoughts would feel depressed.
so perhaps it''s time for me to go to therapy, also, my 5 year old boy seems to be picking up my bad habits and sometimes i see myself behaving towards him like my mother did towards me and God knows i don''t want him to look back one day and remember me the way I remember my childhood, I want him to be able to say my childhood was great and my mum was caring and patient !

i know for a fact if my self esteem were better everything will be better.
....where do i start? what kind of therapy...?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I've always thought "housewife" a rather odd term, as tyhough you were married to the house itself. Maybe it sometimes feels that way. But you can divorce a house, or at least arrange a separation, fairly easilty and cheaply !
Sel-help books are almost always helpful - to the people who write them and sell them. Not always to others, and they can at times make you feel worse.
Therapy could indeed help, preferably of the down-to-earth, practical ( and not everlasting ! ) CBT form - Sognitive-behaviour Therapy. And also isn't it possible for you to start brushing up your social skills and comfort by getting involved in hobbies, clubs, charities, and similar activity in which you could meet some nice people, in settings aimed at other purposes rather than just raw socializing ? As others say here, getting involved in community work, helping others who are in more difficult citcumstances than yours, is worthwhile,& reminds you that you have capabilities, too.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: silly | 2010-11-28

thank you for your reply, i appreciate this is a free service to us,but you reply in such a hurry that you don''t even bother to check your spelling. usually you hand out good advice but this time i don''t even bother to re-read it.

Reply to silly
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-11-27

I've always thought "housewife" a rather odd term, as tyhough you were married to the house itself. Maybe it sometimes feels that way. But you can divorce a house, or at least arrange a separation, fairly easilty and cheaply !
Sel-help books are almost always helpful - to the people who write them and sell them. Not always to others, and they can at times make you feel worse.
Therapy could indeed help, preferably of the down-to-earth, practical ( and not everlasting ! ) CBT form - Sognitive-behaviour Therapy. And also isn't it possible for you to start brushing up your social skills and comfort by getting involved in hobbies, clubs, charities, and similar activity in which you could meet some nice people, in settings aimed at other purposes rather than just raw socializing ? As others say here, getting involved in community work, helping others who are in more difficult citcumstances than yours, is worthwhile,& reminds you that you have capabilities, too.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Happiness | 2010-11-26

I also experienced the low self esteem issues you are describing due to being a housewife. After graduating I was unemployed for 2yrs. I spent most of my time indoors and started to feel less smart as compared to my working friends. I had a full time nanny which left me with too much time to sit and think. I hated every moment of it.

I think the fact that you''ve got qualifications means you wanted more than being a stay at-homemom. Maybe you can get a part time job or something meaningful to do with your time. Its a matter of going to the drawing boaed &  reviewing exactly what you want to do with your life.

Self help books work as pointers, they don''t really solve the problems. You''ll need profesional help regarding abuse. The harder you try not to be like your mom, the more you''ll be like her. Accept that some of her parenting skills were not ideal also that she was doing the best she could under the circumstances. In her own way, she did love you. From her mistakes you''ve learned to become a better mom.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: lizard | 2010-11-26

go out and do some community work, being greatful can replace
feeling empty and down, once you tend to the suffering of others it will draw you out of all those feelings you are having, giving of yourself will replace a lot of nasty feelings,

strst with the giving to others therapy and take the kids with, let them also learn to appreciate what they''v egot and that life is also about giving

Reply to lizard

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