Posted by: Sensible | 2009-03-24

Loving long-term partner cannot commit

Dear Prof
My partner of two years (in May) seems scared of tying the knot. Is two years too early? He is very loving and does not show typical signs of cheating and is very committed to me and my child. Each time I bring marriage subject, he said he will eventually marry me and I am in a rush. He got divorced in 2005. He buys groceries, attends school parent meetings (though not biological father), was keen on meeting my family and cooks! I have relocated and he has followed me and travels 2hrs to work every day. Do you think he will eventually marry me, as he puts it? I' m 33 and he is 37.

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Our expert says:
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Many people. maybe more men than women, but certainly both, fear making long-term committments. Emotionally, that is. The same person who quakes at the thought of marriage, may not hesitate to buy a house or a car, and sign up for really serious long-term committments financially. Maybe your guy is also reacting to his previous experience of having made a committment emotionally which didn;'t work out and may have actually been really painful for him. It sounds as though in many toher ways he is showing convincing committment to you and your child. He has gone far beyond the point that someone wanting only a quick fling would ever go. WOuld he consider joining you fior some sessions of couples counselling, to put both of your minds at rest ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: I know it ! | 2009-03-24

I know someone who is recently divorced and would like to get involved but is totally gun shy of the act of marriage as the result of his fiasco. I guess your partner is the same. He sounds just like my pal, honest, dedicated, useful, caring and loving, but he is NOT going to wear his heart on his sleeve and have it ripped again. I reckon bear with your man and just bide your time. When he is ready he will commit, but even if he does not, there are no rules to say you HAVE to get married. If you are happy as a couple, go with the flow. You will have to be careful however that from a financial and property/possessions point of view to keep it clean and upfront, so that IF there ever was a parting of the ways there would be no hastles over who owns what and who owes who what. Go for it and be happy !!

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Posted by: Bee | 2009-03-24

He sounds amazing, I would not worry if I was you. He' s obviosuly just taking things slow, as he got hurt in his previous marraige. He needs to work through those feelings an realise that things will be diffeent with the two of you. He will, in good time!

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Posted by: probably not | 2009-03-24

No surprise he doesnt wants to rush it... look what happened to his last marriage

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