Posted by: AD | 2008-11-28

Loveless marriage can it be saved?

feel sick and utterly alone not being able to talk to anyone about my marriage. There is nobody I feel I can be absolutely honest with and the one person I should do my husband I don' t want to hurt. We have been married 5 years and have a son. . I can focus all my attention on my son which fills the whole I feel in the rest of my life. My husband hardly and enjoys any quality time as a family. He spends most of the his time between us and his mum and 26 year old mentally handicapped brother.(his mum in 26 years has never done one thing to help the brother and only recently tried to seek help from a spiritual centre).The point is I love being a mum but I really don' t think I love my husband anymore. We dont have an imtimate relationship, we dont hug or kiss since the baby came along. At first i always initiated and he showed no interest, now i decided i wont even waste my energy, and he doesnt even make any attempts either.I don' t feel like it anymore ,I don' t find him attractive and have not done for a long time. I just got on with it and I don' t think I' m prepared to continue to do so anymore. I have tried talking to him, that too is in vain.
I realy don' t know what to do? I' m 33 years old and if I just continue as we are going through the motions I feel like I' m loosing out on my chance of enjoying life and more importantly being happy. He spends more time talking secretive stories to his mother on the phone than even spending time with me. i dont know what to do from hereon.i feel like i am stuck in a loveless marriage. he has so much anger and resentment for me, i see the hate in his eyes, his mum and i dont get a long.. i have tried.. i have made many attempts but that cold hearted woman will always make me feel like i am not part of the family.If i say one thing about her, he goes off at me... he doesnt want to hear about it. so now i silently just dont say anything anymore,, but i really cannot handle it anymore..i feel that my unhappiness is not doing justice to the joy i need to offer my son.

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Our expert says:
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Your husband sounds like he might be a very nice man, caring so much for his brother, and mother --- but perhaps over-stretched and thus neglecting quality time with you, his own direct family. Surely it would be worthwhile to at least try to persuade him to join you in marriage counselling, to see if anything agreeable can be sorted out between you. And if not, that would be a sounder basis on which to consider separation, and fairer to you all

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Our users say:
Posted by: AD | 2008-12-04

Thank you everyone..... I feel like there is hop for us... we just have to try really hard to make the effort and realise what the value is of what we might lose if we dont fix it..Thank you for listening and thank you !

Reply to AD
Posted by: Jaz | 2008-12-01

To C and others
A good book to save your marriage is The 5 Love languages by Gary Chapman. It is really excellent!

Reply to Jaz
Posted by: C | 2008-11-30

Hi All

Can anyone recommend a really good book, that a married couple can use as a guide to repair their relationship? We' ve tried counselling twice, with no success whatsoever.


Reply to C
Posted by: Zet | 2008-11-28

I know exactly what you are talking about.   Difference is, I am competing with two inlaws making my marriage a living hell.   We have also stopped having sex, completely, to such an extend that I can' t even watch people kiss or have sex on TV - it hurts so bad inside I want to throw up!!!   I have physical pain inside - only thing is I still love him.   I can' t remember when last we had sex - I am not lying if I say, it might have been 9 mnths ago.   He initiated sex once during the 9 months, he was on top of me for 5 min. and it was over and done with.   He often sleeps in another bedroom, he doesn' t look at me when I am naked, even when I get into bed next to him naked, it has no effect at all - if you know what I mean!!   I have also cosidered separation, or maybe a divorce.   I don' t know if I am mentally ready for something like that.   I use to have lots of friends, now I have nobody.   I don' t have a close girlfriend to talk to, he moans when they wanted to come over and eventually they stopped calling.   I am 32 and also feel like my good years are flying pass me.   When we have a fight, I don' t even have a girlfriend to go to.   I have to get in my car and drive around until he is asleep and then go back.   I call this emotional abuse.   Taking his parents side, always coming up for them, covering for them.   WHen I was going through a very traumatic incident, I could even rely on his support, I had to fight the fight myself.   I sometimes wish I could sleep at the office, just so I don' t have to go home.       They actually caught me once locking myself in my office - I used the excuse I had to work late and was scared.   When things are great, and we have a good time, I forget the sad times, but it is when he messes with me, that I call up ALL the bad times, and there are plenty.   I suggested a marriage councellor, and he refused to go.   I feel like I am done fighting a loosing battle.   I hurt too much, I am drained!  

Someone once told me that once you experience emotional and physical pain, from not being loved, hugged, kissed, i.o.w no affection, it is over. I think I stick now only for security. I need him, and our kids doesn' t have to suffer for our faults and mistakes. Maybe when they are bigger and more independant I will take my stuff and go.

Good luck to you, I can only sympathize I am sorry I can' t give you more advice. You are welcome to chat - will gladly listen!!!

Reply to Zet
Posted by: mmmm | 2008-11-28

I agree with CS.Seek therapy from a professional.

It seems to me that you say you two lost intimacy after the childbirth and he rather spend time with a 26-yearold mentally handicapped brother. Could it be that he is afraid that his son may turn out like his brother and so thinking he rather not be there for you in fear of what he thinks may happen?

I believ that there may not be any love lost, just FEAR driving a wedge between the two of you. In fact your FEAR of abandonment may put a nail to the coffin of your marriage. Hence, counselling is encouraged.

Do not give up on each other. Sometimes even love can drive the two people apart. Also religious/spiritual grounding does help give different perspective at times. Are you two religious/spiritual beings?

Reply to mmmm

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