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Question
Posted by: Melissa | 2012/03/19

Love with red flags, not sure to stay or go in this relationship...

Dear shrink,

I am messaging you because I am unclear if I am suppose to be in this relationship or not. We have several issues in this relationship and also red flags but I think that we love each other very much. Here are the reasons why I want to stay: I love him and love spending time together, If circumstances changes I''d want to get married and have a baby. At first we had such deep passionate love for each other but it going on and off..sometimes I feel like his projects are more important then me or his family, right now I am paying for more of all the finances. He is responsible for his own bills but rent, electricity, cable and food, I am responsible for. He currently doesn''t have a job so I have picked up the bills. Tis to me is a red flag, because through ourt our 1.6 year relationship I have been on and off supporting him depending on that month. This also makes me think if he''s only with me because he''s using me or of convience. The other red flAg is that he refuses to get a real job, that works for a company and gets hourly pay. He has his own website and puts all his efforts and time and importance in this projects, and gigs in which he doesn''t get paid for only sometimes. He doesn''t do any of his work for money but because he''s passionate about it. His projects has taken him to meet slot of celebrities, high powered people and travel to austra and right now new York...but no money in return but he says it builds for him to get money in the future... He also is very interested in his work and passionate about it... Which sometimes feels like it''s more important then me. Hes traveling alot and more often... And since I have a full-time job I can''t be with him I feel like he''s moving on or higher without me... And that scares me. I stay cause I think and hope that the projects he''s in really are going to take off like he says and then he can start paying his half and even paying for me. I weary though because the little money he does get I rarely see a penny of it. Though I understand that he needs it more then me, it would be nice to be treated out more often and even given a present just to know he really cares, and is not using me. We talk and communicate often but see signs of disinterest at times, like he''ll ask me how I''m doing but when I start talking bout it he''s doing something else. When we first got together it was a deep passionate loving relationship in which we thought we were soul mates and wanted to raise a family together... Once I found out about these red flags I pulled back with having any children or getting married until I feel like hes able to pull his own weight, financially..it''s been an emotional roller coaster up and down. We''ve been on the verge but then we figure out that we love each other then everything''s ok again. I try to focus on myself and bettering myself, I started to do muay Thai which is kickboxing and also started to go to these open mics and write and sing. I get a little jelous and insecure at times cause he gets to travel a lot while I''m home working...while he''s out living his dreams and I having to support us. I''m not sure what''s going to happen and just letting things naturally unfold. It helped a lot too when I let go of the pressure of making sure that we stay together at any cost to if it happens it happens, and to just appreciate what I have in front of me now. But still not sure if I shou,d stay and work on bettering the relationship though there are so many red flags in hopes that will be worked out in the future or just let this go and move on to the unknown...any advice doc?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

From your own account, the Red Flags are large and should be taken as significant warnings. You should not at all have to be paying for his dreams - its his task to work towards being able to aford that luxury himself.
Why doesn't he get a job, to support himself and his hobbies ? You're being a Sugar Mommy.
That's why he can afford to indulge himself in his "projects" which can't be as great as he thinks, or investors would be clamouring to sponsor him.
If you went bankrupt overnight, do you really believe he would stay with you ?
If his projects suddenly because incredibly successful and he was, overnight, making millions - would he stay with you ? Would he share the profits with you, so far his only investor ?
Its not difficult to get invited places if the person doing the inviting doesn't have to pay for you - is it you who are sponsoring his luxury travel ?
The kickboxing may turn out to be a wiser investment !
Why would he want to change anything so long as it suits him so perfectly ?
Sounds like he wants to share your bank account, not your life

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Our users say:
Posted by: Pain | 2012/03/20

Reading this brings so much pain, anger and sadness from my previous life. Just like you I was in a “ loving”  relationship. Where my boyfriend was a starting his empire, he had lots of projects and not budget. He had partners who had full time jobs. He was the only one who was working on this alone without an income. All the meetings, telephone calls, travels, food, clothes, accommodation, anything you can think of came from me. I was sharing his vision of building a legacy for our kids and having a better life. To add to the situation, I fell pregnant, with him insisting we need someone that we doing all this for. I was happy that we were going to get married and have our baby...5 months into it my pregnancy, he found someone... who could give him more financially and he moved right along. EVERYTHING I was doing for him, she has taken over. They have a baby who is named after his mom. I have not seen a cent from him  yet again his projects have still not paid off. He is now living off his new girlfriend who does not mind as she gets money from her family she also does not have to work. He has completely forgotten about me and my child. He is living that dream with someone else. So be careful, am not saying it is doomed, but it rings wrong bells. If you mother a man he will never see you as a partner ever… .. that is just my feeling and experience. Good Luck… 

Reply to Pain
Posted by: Romany | 2012/03/20

I too agree with Realsit
He can always come back when he has a life and his feet on the ground, but probaly won''t...... because he won''t need you then.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Agree | 2012/03/19

I agree with Realist.

Reply to Agree
Posted by: Cathy | 2012/03/19

Hi Melissa,

You are on a learning curve discovering what works for you and what doesn''t in terms of love and life. Be loyal to yourself first and choose for what is good for you. As you progress you will see life will present you with opprtunites of people that want to share in your life. Don''t be afraid of letting go and don''t say anything nasty to him. Just let him be and he will reach his goals/dream in his own time and in his own way.

Reply to Cathy
Posted by: Realist | 2012/03/19

Footing the bills for this dreamer must be the BIGGEST red flag EVER. No my girl, this is not good. A guy who does not have his feet on the ground is a dreamer and a loser at the end of the day. I would not bet my future happiness on a relationship with someone as flighty and airy-fairy as this guy.

Reply to Realist
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/19

From your own account, the Red Flags are large and should be taken as significant warnings. You should not at all have to be paying for his dreams - its his task to work towards being able to aford that luxury himself.
Why doesn't he get a job, to support himself and his hobbies ? You're being a Sugar Mommy.
That's why he can afford to indulge himself in his "projects" which can't be as great as he thinks, or investors would be clamouring to sponsor him.
If you went bankrupt overnight, do you really believe he would stay with you ?
If his projects suddenly because incredibly successful and he was, overnight, making millions - would he stay with you ? Would he share the profits with you, so far his only investor ?
Its not difficult to get invited places if the person doing the inviting doesn't have to pay for you - is it you who are sponsoring his luxury travel ?
The kickboxing may turn out to be a wiser investment !
Why would he want to change anything so long as it suits him so perfectly ?
Sounds like he wants to share your bank account, not your life

Reply to cybershrink

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