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Question
Posted by: Emma | 2012/05/09

Love or pity???

Is is possible to love two men at the same time? The one man knows I love him and the other man does not believe in love or relationships. He is single (complete loner) who lives a very secluded life - goes to work, rides his motorcycle over weekends (mostly alone), he cuts himself off from his friends for weeks on end. You probably think I am crazy to love this man, but I do, I know about his unhappy, abusive childhood and his unhappy marriage which ended in a divorce which he still mourns 10 years on and all the other dramas in his life, some of which were self-inflicted. I wish I could just forget him and try to get him out of my system, but I cannot. I have, for the past three weeks, distanced myself from him (no emails, calls, text messages etc.), but all it has done is make me miserable (I told him that I need to distance myself for bit). Oh dear, I don''t know what I should do, just leave the situation as it is for now - I know I will never get anywhere with him as he is not interested in having an emotional relationship - according to him all women are cheats!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I can't help wondering here whether everyone involved, and commenting, are working with the same definitions of "love" ?
You "love" man 2, but have no excitement when you think of him ; you "love" man # 1, but he is emotionally unavailable and doesn't seem to love you. Sounds almost as though you feel more attracted to men who are not attracted to you, and vice versa.
So he had an unhappy childhood - maybe you'd feel pity or sympathy, but why "love" ? All his self-inflicted dramas - alarm, maybe, appropriately, but "love" ? In some ways, you seem to be enjoying the creation of some of these dramas

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Our users say:
Posted by: Emma | 2012/05/09

@ JR - yes he feels the same way, but I don''t know if I could pursue a relationship with him as there is no excitement when I think of him - he does not have the same effect on me as the emotionally stunted one has! Sounds really messed up and I guess it is - I want someone I know I cannot have!!

Reply to Emma
Posted by: JR | 2012/05/09

His way of seeing things is not something you can control, and even though you love him, you know he is not receptive, so why waste your time?

But you say you love two men ??????? The mind boggles here a little, but ok, So why dont you persue something with the man who iknows you love him? Does he love you too?

Reply to JR
Posted by: KIM | 2012/05/09

Leave him alone. To be involved with someone who is emotional unavailable is pure torture. If you can be a friend just offer that but keep your distance for now until you work through your feelings for him. He has chosen to live his life this way I doubt you or any other women could change him

Reply to KIM
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/05/09

I can't help wondering here whether everyone involved, and commenting, are working with the same definitions of "love" ?
You "love" man 2, but have no excitement when you think of him ; you "love" man # 1, but he is emotionally unavailable and doesn't seem to love you. Sounds almost as though you feel more attracted to men who are not attracted to you, and vice versa.
So he had an unhappy childhood - maybe you'd feel pity or sympathy, but why "love" ? All his self-inflicted dramas - alarm, maybe, appropriately, but "love" ? In some ways, you seem to be enjoying the creation of some of these dramas

Reply to cybershrink

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