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Question
Posted by: Dinah | 2012/03/14

Love - only for emotionally healthy ppl?

HI CS and all

I would just like to get a feeling of the general sentiment out there - can a person in an unhealthy emotional space ever meet someone special or is this totally impossible? On the one hand I hear countless stories of ''until you are radiating love and joy you will never attract it'' then on the other hand you hear a billion stories about ''There I was - had given up on love and was going thru life angry and alone when he/she pitched up out of nowhere and all my grays turned to brilliant rainbow-coloured hues"  - we have ALL heard those stories. A bitter divorcee, a formerly abused woman, a single mother who had been used by men, a man who had never been appreciated by any woman - all of a sudden finding love while right there in their black hole

So I want to know - do you have to be a shiny happy person who has gotten over all their issues in order to meet/attract someone or is it possible to find true love while you are consumed by self-loathing/depression?

Can broken people who have been through immense pain and rejection ever expect to meet someone special? Or do they have to be all fixed up and smiley first?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Unless one is in solitary confinement ( and even then you meet jailers ) you meet people. No reason why you couldn't meet someone special or pleasant even if you were not feeling particularly cheerful at the time.
Of course you might be so wrapped up in your own bad feelings as not to notice when the nice person came by ; or if you expressed your bad feelings in a way that was offputting to others, they might not pause long enough for you to get to know them.
But of course it's possible.
And frankly, I'd find someone too busy "radiating love and joy" rather annoying. Too much like those people who say "Have a nice day" as though it was a command ! Or like some of those Hare Krishnas who can be uncomfortably sunny and unreal.
Now, try not to get too busy with self-loathing - we know you don't deserve it, and you really need to get better hobbies than that. Don't trap yourself in negative assumptions about the hopelessness of love - from unpleasant experiences we try to learn to be more cautious but not TOO cautious.
Be genuine in a pleasant way, rather than plastic smiley

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Katja | 2012/03/15

Hi Dinah, I was in the same position, I was in a relationship which I hated, and I found new love...can I give you some advise, always smile even when you your heart is breaking..someone might fall in love with your smile...keep up the chin...there are guys out there that went throug a rough spot in their lives...and are waiting for the smile ..

Reply to Katja
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/14

Unless one is in solitary confinement ( and even then you meet jailers ) you meet people. No reason why you couldn't meet someone special or pleasant even if you were not feeling particularly cheerful at the time.
Of course you might be so wrapped up in your own bad feelings as not to notice when the nice person came by ; or if you expressed your bad feelings in a way that was offputting to others, they might not pause long enough for you to get to know them.
But of course it's possible.
And frankly, I'd find someone too busy "radiating love and joy" rather annoying. Too much like those people who say "Have a nice day" as though it was a command ! Or like some of those Hare Krishnas who can be uncomfortably sunny and unreal.
Now, try not to get too busy with self-loathing - we know you don't deserve it, and you really need to get better hobbies than that. Don't trap yourself in negative assumptions about the hopelessness of love - from unpleasant experiences we try to learn to be more cautious but not TOO cautious.
Be genuine in a pleasant way, rather than plastic smiley

Reply to cybershrink

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