Posted by: Lee | 2013-02-18

Love and Respect

How would you describe love and respect in a relationship? Can the relationship work if the one party feels the other is not showing love or respect towards them?

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Posted by: JR | 2013-02-19

It is unacceptable that he swears at you. That''s just rude and I don''t condone that. The problem is, it has become a pattern. They say we get treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated and that is true, but how to break that pattern - I don''t know.

You know, as much as I go on about the thinking positive etc, I am also at the point in my life after two failed marriages where I feel that, a relationship must just work. I don''t have time or energy to have to slog and fight for it. He either accepts me with my past, warts and all and just as I am with my child, or he can walk. I am independent, I don''t need a man, a man would be a nice to have not a have to have, and a nice to have must be a pleasurable experience otherwise what''s the point of having it anyway. I am past advocating staying in a relationship or marriage and fighting for it. If you feel it is beyond repair, them maybe it is time to make that known. Maybe that will be the wake up call he needs?

A lot of women in this situation withdraw from their partners completely. Is that the answer? I don''t know that either, because the minute you withdraw, is that not the beginning of the end?

Would he consider going for counselling. Google Imago Couples therapy. They have a technique where he has to shut up and listen while you talk, and then, to make sure he has heard and understood you, he has to repeat back to you what you said.

How to change how you think. It takes time and hard work. I started with meditation which then evolved into self hypnosis. There is a lot about this on the internet, and I highly recommend learning meditation, visualisation and hypnosis. If you can, read a book by John Kehoe it''s clalled Mindpower into the 21st century and go on a Robin Banks mind power seminar. Powerful, powerful stuff, and if you practice the principles, it really works.

A big mistake we (I) make is the negative self talk. I will never meet the deadline, I cannot lose the weight, The situation will never change. I cant do this. It''s too hard. But, I always meet the deadlines, I did lose the weight, I did change my situation and. It''s all about the way we talk to ourselves. This does not mean that the problems of life will miraculously go away, but, it will go a long way to helping you deal with the problems if you stay positive and consciously choose to see the good in the situation instead of the bad. A saying I read recently which to me was quite profound and left a bit of an impression - it''s not the problem that is the real problem, it''s you attitude to the prolem that is the problem. Food for thought? I think so

Get yourself some interests outside of your home. Start living your own life. I used to sit at home and cry and mope and feel ever so terribly sorry for myself. Then I got busy, and the difference it makes to my life is incredible. I make myself happy. I do not rely on others to validate me, I do it for myself. This is something I would love to bring across to all women, and if I look at successful relationships among my friends, they all have their separate interests outside of their relationships and their kids and they give each other the space to enjoy their individualism.

Maybe, if you cannot talk to your husband, you should write in a letter to him how you are feeling and that you would like him to start treating you better and also the consequences if he does not. Just be sure that you are prepared to go through with anything you say, because if you don''t, the disdain will be worse.

I wish you the best, and I will keep you in my prayers. I am here if you want to talk more.

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Posted by: Lee | 2013-02-19

Sorry about your marriage JR. One of the things that has been keeping me in the relationship is that i believed we loved each other hence i never gave up on our relationship.

So what are you saying JR? Change how i think? but how do i do that? I''ve accepted and lived with this for long but it doesnt change, lived the fascinating womanhood way but still yooh i dont know now. I think we''ve or i''ve also reached a point whereby i cant make it work. You know whats hurting is the swearing, the disrespect, the i dont care about you and when i ask he tells me " he''s still here"  what more do i want and that i cant tell him anything he does as he pleases.

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Posted by: JR | 2013-02-18

As you think, so shall you be.

If you think you are fighting a losing battle you are. If you think your " stuff"  doesn''t matter to him, it doesnt. If you think he thinks it''s all about him, then it is all about him.

I am a woman.

It was my second marriage and I loved him like crazy. we had issues from day one because I did some stuff before we got married he could not come to terms with and he was terrified I would do it again even though I did not have the slightest inclination. My son from my first marriage was always an issue, I lost our baby (the one thing he always wanted), which we never dealt with as a couple, and I discovered a second FB profile I did not know about that made me insecure and needy in the worst possible way. I lost it. There were always issues. We could never just be and live. There was always something, and we just couldn''t make it work. So sad really because I believe that he loved me just as much as I love him, and so sad that we could not make it work.

Hard lessons, but, I am a better, stronger person for it, and I have learned a lot, and changed a lot, and all for the better.

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Posted by: Lee | 2013-02-18

What if you do all that but nothing changes JR? Its always about him him him and your feelings, likes, dislikes dont matter? Say you have a conversation you telling your concerns or complaints and it ends up being about him? Mmxxmmm its like im fighting a loosing battle.

Are you male or female JR? What went wrong in your relationship?

Reply to Lee
Posted by: JR | 2013-02-18

Difficult question. What is love indeed? It''s a caring about and an extreme fondnes for and tenderness towards the other person that does not just die or go away. The more you love, the deeper you hurt about things like lack of respect.

What kind of lack of respect do you mean?

Blatant disregard for the other will always result in a relationship breakdown. I read recently, to have a good relationship is not so much doing what your partner likes, but avoiding doing the things they very much dislike. Interesting because one would think that both would be equally important. If I am so lucky again to be blessed with love, I will certainly bend over backwards to avoid the dislikes as well as make sure that I do my fair share of the pleasing.

What I do believe quite firmly though, and I put this into practice in my own life and it works charmingly is, YOU are the change you want to see. If you want a person to react lovingly, you have to be loving. If you want to be respected, you have to show respect and NEVER ( and believe me this is really, really, really hard - especially if you have a quick temper like I do) react in a tit for tat manner. That solves nothing.

I don''t have a love interest, but, I had an extremely volatile relatiohsnip with the shop stewards at work. We hated each other. They were always provoking me, and, I reacted to the provocation at my absolute best. Then I started this, opening your heart and loving thing, and laugh if you like, but they were the best " practice"  material. Now, they come into my office just to say hello and find out how I am. Huh????? In what universe?

Be the change. If you do it every day, and you really commit to always reacting lovingly no matter what, your life will change. I am not saying everything will be perfect, and I am not saying it''s easy because it isn''t - especially if, like me, your blood boils easily - but if I can do it and achieve results, anyone can.

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