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Question
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2008-11-04

Lost Mom

Hi CS,
I have come a long way from where I was but am still battling with many a thing, some confusing, some difficult and some blatantly scary, however getting there slowly.
People around me say I have done an amazing job with my kids, that they are wonderful, doctors comment on how well behaved they are, well mannered and so forth. The school therapist at my daughters school has also said he thinks I have done a wonderful job, but I can' t help but feel I have let both my children down.
With all my own up' s and down' s and the repeat pattern I have been going through I can' t help but wonder if I am in the end going to let them down even more and I love them so much I don' t want to hurt them.
My son who is soon to be 3 is an aggressive little character and the intensity of his anger is overwhelming and then he also, excuse this, I don' t know if this is normal behaviour for boys or not and is a difficult subject for me, but he seems to be doing " sexual"  acts with his toys and is embarassed if I happen upon him. What should I or can I do? I do distract him and get him to come play card games, word games or swimming but I just feel some helpless.
Then there is my daughter, she is 11 and already taller than me and very pretty, blonde, blue eyes, tall and sleek. She has told me in the past that my ex tried something with her, however I am not very sure of this, I believe a man she really trusts and cares about whom I keep her away from as much as possible is the one who did this to her and because she hates my ex, she has transposed this onto him, can this be the case and how do I help her to cope with this. I don' t want her to end up like me, a person who cannot have normal relationships.
I am almost 40 and was married once at the age of 22, I have two illegitimate children, which I wouldn' t change for the world, fathers aren' t all bad, they had to deal with me after all and I am/was a rollercoaster ride of my own. I ran into another ex, the one who basically detroyed my shoulder blade and left me with permanent problems and he scared me so that I shook and he didn' t do anything, he was very nice, telling me that he still loved me and was I still so difficult, that there were times he wanted to strangle the live out of me, that I pushed him to do what he had done and if I had given him half the chance we would both be successful today. We met when I was 26.
How can I help my children to be okay.
Take care CS and always, thanks for being here and listening.

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Our expert says:
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So everyone else thinks you've done a great job caring for your kids, but you disagree ? What may be happening with the boy an his ap[parently sexualized play with his toys is understandably of concern to you ( and nnot your fault !), but hard to assess from a distance --- maybe see if a school therapist like the one at your daughter's school can have a session with him to gently explore what might be going on here. There is some possibility that he may hve been exposed to some sexual activity at school or elsewhere, though this may also qwuite possibly not have happened. As for your theory about your daughter, that, too, is a possibility ( and could even be related to whatever might be troubling your son ). Again, the therapist, if he/she has seen her, would be better placed to advise on this. And you are not a person who CANNOT have normal relationships, nor will your daughter be thus.
Keep up your good work and your continued caring --- which is so valuable and wholesome for your children

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