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Question
Posted by: Dee | 2011/12/21

lost and helpless

My wife had an affair in July and left me. We were married for fifteen years and in that time we did allot together. I became part of her family and I really got one with her mom and dad. They were like my second parents. She is now living with her new boyfriend and is now doing everything with him that we did together. It kills me. We have two boys and they are with me as she does not want to have them. They go to her every second week end or so. Everything around me seems to be falling apart. I have really tried to keep it together but now it all seems worthless. I hate my job and I just want to run away and start over again, somewhere new were I can forget about her and her family. She and her family is trying to be so nice to me, but they don''t seem to realize how much this is hurting me. I am still in love with my wife. She has taken the boys away for a week to were we always go with the new boyfriend.
I don''t know what to do. I can''t stop crying every time I am on my own.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry to hear about this, D. To abandon a husband and marriage apparently without good reason, isn't worthy of respect ; but to abandon one's children for a boyfriend is even worse, and realyl selfish and cruel. What you are doing for those children is admirable, so don't give in to any temptation to rush off on your own -imagine what that could do to them ! Children even in the best managed separations risk blaming themselves even though it was in no way their faults.
For her to try to be nice to you sounds like hypocrisy. Have you talked directly to her parents about this ? They surely can't be content with what she has done to you and the kids ?
And even if you rushed away to the Bahamas or wherever, the very first thing you would unpack on arrival would be your anger, outrage and grief over what has happened. You will be able to work through this with time, but not by geographical shifts. And do see a counsellor, for your own sake and that of the kids, and because you richly deserve such expert help and support.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Phil | 2011/12/22

James  you said it best - you might as well have told my story exactly the way it is. The only thing would add  is today Iam ahppily single and loving it and lfe! And my kid are happy, what more can one ask for...

Reply to Phil
Posted by: James | 2011/12/22

This brought tears to my eyes as it hit so close to home. I went through the same thing after 12 years of marriage. It is something that I dont wish on my worst enemy. It has now left me, 6 years later, still single and refusing to ever get involved with a woman again, cant trust them. I know thats a generalisation and not are all the same. Whatever the case may be you have to be strong for your kids and they come first. Time does make things easier in respect of the emotional turmoil you will be going through. If at all possible get people around you that will support you (family). If I had that that close at hand it would have been much easier to deal with as there will still be lots of times that are going to be tough, my daughter still cries when I have to take her back to her mother and that is heart breaking. They say once a cheater always one so I would not recommend taking her back even " for the sake of the kids"  as you will never be at peace and that will create more friction which the kids will pick up on as well. I wish you all the best.

Reply to James
Posted by: Romany | 2011/12/21

Hi Dee
Well done on raising your two boys !! As a mother myself I simply cannot imagine leaving my kids for another man or anything at else for that matter. I know you do not want to hear anything bad about your ex wife, but I have to say she must be a very weak (and stupid) person, Not a mother''s backside for sure.
I agree with the CS, running away will do nothing to the situation, however, if you feel that you should want to find a job in another place and move yourself and the boys there to start a new life, I can see that working for you.
New beginnings !! That sounds good to me !!
Ofcourse you are still in love with her. She gave you two sons and you spend 15 years of your life with her. Do yourself a favour and try to remember the bad times as well. Not only the good ones.
Just know this... out there is someone else waiting for you. Someone that will love you and respect you too much to have sex with other men.
Stay strong, this time of the year is bad for emotions. You should try and avoid the ex wife rather than have her being " nice"  to you.
You can do this. Afterall you did get the best out of this situation (The boys)

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/12/21

Sorry to hear about this, D. To abandon a husband and marriage apparently without good reason, isn't worthy of respect ; but to abandon one's children for a boyfriend is even worse, and realyl selfish and cruel. What you are doing for those children is admirable, so don't give in to any temptation to rush off on your own -imagine what that could do to them ! Children even in the best managed separations risk blaming themselves even though it was in no way their faults.
For her to try to be nice to you sounds like hypocrisy. Have you talked directly to her parents about this ? They surely can't be content with what she has done to you and the kids ?
And even if you rushed away to the Bahamas or wherever, the very first thing you would unpack on arrival would be your anger, outrage and grief over what has happened. You will be able to work through this with time, but not by geographical shifts. And do see a counsellor, for your own sake and that of the kids, and because you richly deserve such expert help and support.

Reply to cybershrink

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