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Question
Posted by: Nari | 2012/07/05

lost abd uncertain about life

Hi I am a 32 year old female who grew up in a very volatile family. My dad had constant affairs and as a result has 8 children. My mom stayed with him trough all this but they were abusive to each other with my mother leaving the house and leaving my younger siblings in ny care. I am now married and have a child. My husband had an affair 6 months into our marriage, we were fighting before the marriage started. It killed me emotionally and I treated him bad for years. He still chated with woman and I lost myself my sexuality. He constantly checked my cell my Gmail account and accused me if dating men, when all they were just clients as i was a consultants and sometimes had to go out to clients but for him it was coffee dates, i did not cheat on him but I lied to get the sympathy and love of other people. I was so messed up I actually thought that maybe having a relationship with a woman was what I wanted but I was just confused and desperate for love. But looking for it in all the wrong places. My husband constantly told me I was a slut and if I spoke to other men then it was like I was being a whore, the female version of my dad. I started to lie saying to people at work I was divorced a single mom so I would not have to go to work functions in case a man spoke to me. The lies grew and just got out of control. Recently things started to get better (6 years later) but I started chatting to a guy who actually just saw me for me. Nothing sexual just a hug and a kiss on the cheek. My husband found the messages none sexual mind you and now he hates me and even though he says he wants to stay he gets upset every second week and its hurting my child. He says i slept with lots of men and that i am making a fool out of him. But i have nit slept with any man is woman for that matter. I lied and did things I am not proud of financialy I took loans to buy my parents love but I just ended up with a huge debts and no one there for me. He says I messed up my Childs future and I am not sure if I am a good mother or even a good wife or if i am a good person who deserves to be loved. I feel lost and all my mistakes if my past seem to have caught up with me and its more fuel for his fire. I am so confused and don''t know what to do with my life as I feel like a faliure and my husband is so certain I will always be a -|- up.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sadly, if there's significant fighting even before the marriage, its unlikely to stop after it. Sometimes marriage counselling can help, but often the cheater sees nothing wrong with what he or she is doing. Typical, too, of a cheating spouse like your husband to be ridiculously suspicious of an innocent partner, to the point that they may help significantly to make it come true.
Why is your husband being allowed to have such double standards, to complain about the little you have done and to ignore all that he has done against the marriage ?
Do try to persuade him to join you in seeing a marriage counsellor, and if he refuses, at least see a counsellor for myour own sake, to work out what would be best for you and the children, and how to go about sorting this complex mess out.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Queen | 2012/07/05

You are not your past and it should not determine what kind of person you become.
I think you forgot to do the most important thing in life, and that is loving yourself. What your hubby says about you is not true, but because you don''t like your self that much, you will believe what he says to be true. Put yourself first for a change. Worry more about what you feel and think. Spend more time alone and get to know yourself better. Lastly, go for counselling. Resolve any childhood issues you have regarding your parents. In in the end, it will all work out fine.

Reply to Queen
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/05

Sadly, if there's significant fighting even before the marriage, its unlikely to stop after it. Sometimes marriage counselling can help, but often the cheater sees nothing wrong with what he or she is doing. Typical, too, of a cheating spouse like your husband to be ridiculously suspicious of an innocent partner, to the point that they may help significantly to make it come true.
Why is your husband being allowed to have such double standards, to complain about the little you have done and to ignore all that he has done against the marriage ?
Do try to persuade him to join you in seeing a marriage counsellor, and if he refuses, at least see a counsellor for myour own sake, to work out what would be best for you and the children, and how to go about sorting this complex mess out.

Reply to cybershrink

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