Our expert says:
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. All bereavements are hard to bear, each in their own specific way. You really need and deserve to see a counsellor with exp[erience in helping people work through such grief. And also look into whether there is within reach of you, a branch of the group the Compassionate Friends, which is a meeting of parents who have lost children, of any age, who can help and support each other.
I understand what your husband is saying, and also that it isn't directly helpful to you at this stage. YOu need to let go of the grief and bitter regrets, without letting go of your love for the child.
You did the best you could. You couldn't save the littlest one, because nobody was able to do that, and I'm sure the doctors and nurses did their best, as did you. Some things we very much want to do, are not possible. It was not your fault.
Of course you were both overwhelmed - anyone would be.
People ( however well-meaning ) who tell you to foget about it are being foolish, and have obviously never suffered such a loss themselves.
Your felings are entirely normal and usual ; it takes 9 months or longer to recover from any significant loss. And then one does so not by forgetting the person we have lost, but by gradually losing the bitter sorrow, and remembering them fondly and with content that they existed, for however brief a time.
Anyone who tells you you "should have gotten over it by now" is a fool and/or ignorant, even if meaning well. Grief is hard work and takes time.
The assistance of a grief-experienced counsellor is valuable so you don't spin your wheels and get stuck in the grief work.
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