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Question
Posted by: hestia | 2010/07/28

Loosing my cool part 2

Hi doc. thank you for your answer. Yes the house belongs to me. I bought the house from my father. I paid a very good price. The agreement was that my father will stay with me. My mom and dad are divorsed, after she had a few affairs. She went to stay with my grandparents and after they passed away she had to move back to my house as she had nowhere to go. That is also a difficult situation as both my mom and dad (who is divorced) is staying with me but in different rooms. I recently got a higher position in another town. I could not sell my house because they are staying with me and I can not just dump them out of the house. And I could not buy a new house for the money I will get if I sell my house as the area I am in now is much more expensive. So I am renting accomodation where I work and go back to my house every weekend. I do not want to travel everyday.

My sister is working however her ex husband is only giving her R500 a month for the child and according to her, her salary is not enough to have a place of her own. She does not give me any money towards the house as " she do not have money"  however I know she buys food for her new boyfriends house.
I also bought a new car so she can use my car. She had to buy my old car from me. I asked her to tell me how much she can pay me per month and I will not charge her interest. I also asked her to keep to the agreement as I could not really afford a new car but at least that money can help me cover the payments for the new car. She agreed that she will give me R500 per month. She only gave me that once, and that was 18 months ago. I just feel used at this stage. She know I will not ask her to leave. I love her boy as if he is my own. And I am not sure how he will be cared for if they move. She is a lot like our mother, her son is not her number one priority her boyfriends will always be no 1.
My mother can not get a job now as she is already getting near retirement age and she does not have experience. She was a housewive and did not work before.
Sometimes I feel so trapped! And I am so alone as I do not have anyone to discuss this with.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I entirely agree with maria. You are being used, and ou need to either refuse altogetyher to be used, or set your own rules as to the terms and conditions of the extent to which you will support her, and how this should work.
Sounds as though you kep getting into a situation of being stuck between two other peoplem who have difficulties with each other.
We don't know how much your sister's child costs per month ( and you don't mention its age ) but R 500 should be helpful, and if not, she could go back to maintenance court and ask for more. It is completely unacceptable that though she works and earns a salary, she declares that she has NO money either to get herself a place or to pay you anything for the cost to you of supporting her - what on earth does she spend her salary on ? And this IS YOUR BUSINESS if she expects you to pay otherwise her living expenses.
Why should she buy food for her bf's house ? Yet she doesn't live there ? Why should YOU provide a car for her to use ? And as she is not making the payments on it - is it in her name ? Yet if she smashes it, for instance, it is YOU the bank will expect to repay the money, anyway ? Make sure the car is in your name - though even then, you don't want to be liable for any damages she causes while driving it.
There's still no reason why your mother can't do moest work and earn something - it was her own decision to let her marriage fail and not to provide for her old age.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/29

I entirely agree with maria. You are being used, and ou need to either refuse altogetyher to be used, or set your own rules as to the terms and conditions of the extent to which you will support her, and how this should work.
Sounds as though you kep getting into a situation of being stuck between two other peoplem who have difficulties with each other.
We don't know how much your sister's child costs per month ( and you don't mention its age ) but R 500 should be helpful, and if not, she could go back to maintenance court and ask for more. It is completely unacceptable that though she works and earns a salary, she declares that she has NO money either to get herself a place or to pay you anything for the cost to you of supporting her - what on earth does she spend her salary on ? And this IS YOUR BUSINESS if she expects you to pay otherwise her living expenses.
Why should she buy food for her bf's house ? Yet she doesn't live there ? Why should YOU provide a car for her to use ? And as she is not making the payments on it - is it in her name ? Yet if she smashes it, for instance, it is YOU the bank will expect to repay the money, anyway ? Make sure the car is in your name - though even then, you don't want to be liable for any damages she causes while driving it.
There's still no reason why your mother can't do moest work and earn something - it was her own decision to let her marriage fail and not to provide for her old age.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Maria | 2010/07/28

You feel used because you are being used. Tell your sister that if she is going to expect you to support her financially, then you have the right to know what goes on in her finances. She must bring you a payslip, bank accounts and a budget showing expenses. Is the car still on your name? Tell her you will have to sell if she doesn''t cough up the money, and then DO THAT. You are not responsible for the bad decisions she makes. Drag her with you to maintenance court and see if you can make the father of her child pay more.

As for your parents, wow your mother must really lie in the bed she made for herself. She may not have experience but she can surely earn at least a bit of money buy looking after people''s kids, making fudge and selling it, knitting things and selling it?

You''re in a very difficult position and all I can say to you is good luck, and take care of yourself.

Reply to Maria

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