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Question
Posted by: hestia | 2010/07/28

loosing my cool.

Hi doc. I am really starting to loos my cool with my sister and mother. They both stay with me in my house. The problem is that the two of them do not see eye to eye. Placing me and my father right in the middle of it all. I really had enough. I work in another city and only go home during the weekends. I really do not have the energy to listen to their stories and complaignts and attitudes towards each other during the weekend. My father need to hear it day after day. My sister is now 37 and financially can not afford to get a place for herself and her son. I can not understand why they can not just leave each other alone! I do not get angry fast however I feel like I am going to blow soon and may say things that could rather just be left unsaid. And they are both very wrong. I am just tired of all of this. I can not even take both of them to the same event as they will make remarks to each other the whole time. And upsetting everyone. As far as I am concerned they are both childish.

Another problem with my mom is that her parents passed away about 10 years ago. And she still goes on and on that she can not get over their death. It also makes me mad because they were never good to her. she was always blamed for everything and her siblings was everything. Even when we were small we knew that her parents and siblings come first in everything and after them us and my father. this is also upsetting me because it seems that she is waisting her time pondering about people who is dead for a long time and is forgetting about the people that is still left behind
Sorry I know I am just venting but I am spending the afternoon with them today and I am already working myself up into a state. I would just like to enjoy and evening with them without being put in the middle.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Am I understanding correctly that they live in YOUR house ? that is, that the house belongs to you, rather than that you all happen to live together in the family home ?
Your mom and sister probably bicker because they both feel trapped in the same home, lacking alternatives.
A counsellor would be useful, but I understand might not be available where they live - is there some senior and respected person in the family they would listen to, who could help ? They need to be told that their constant bickering annoys and hurts everyone, and does them no good. If it is your house, and/or if you are paying the expenses, then you have a basis for being more stern and making it clear that the house rules do NOT allow this useless quarrelling.
They sound un der-employed, too - can't your sister get a job ? Or if she works, get more work, and work towards getting promotion ? What about your mom ? Can she get a job, too ? They need to have other things to occupy them than just annopying each other.
It must, yes, be irritating to hear your mom going on about missing parents who treated her badly - maybe this reflects how she may feel EVEN LESS cared for now ?
Talk to them calmly but frankly about how bad they make you feel, always putting you in the middle of their quarrels, and ask THEM to suggest ways in which they could improve the situation

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/28

Am I understanding correctly that they live in YOUR house ? that is, that the house belongs to you, rather than that you all happen to live together in the family home ?
Your mom and sister probably bicker because they both feel trapped in the same home, lacking alternatives.
A counsellor would be useful, but I understand might not be available where they live - is there some senior and respected person in the family they would listen to, who could help ? They need to be told that their constant bickering annoys and hurts everyone, and does them no good. If it is your house, and/or if you are paying the expenses, then you have a basis for being more stern and making it clear that the house rules do NOT allow this useless quarrelling.
They sound un der-employed, too - can't your sister get a job ? Or if she works, get more work, and work towards getting promotion ? What about your mom ? Can she get a job, too ? They need to have other things to occupy them than just annopying each other.
It must, yes, be irritating to hear your mom going on about missing parents who treated her badly - maybe this reflects how she may feel EVEN LESS cared for now ?
Talk to them calmly but frankly about how bad they make you feel, always putting you in the middle of their quarrels, and ask THEM to suggest ways in which they could improve the situation

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