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Question
Posted by: anonymous for now | 2010/05/13

long lost brother

i am theolder of two sisters. I found out on Friday that the father whom I have loved and worshipped my whole life through (i am 52) has a child. A son. Why anyone has kept this secret from us I would never know nor understand. I am of a different faith to the son whom my father has. Right now I have very very mixed emotions. My dad passed on, so he ofcourse is not here to defend himself. My aunt, his sister in her early 80''s, revealed this information to me, and all i asked was whether it was a boy or girl. I can not go back to pry more from her as she has always been a very vindictive and (forgive me for using this word) bitchy person, and thrived on others pain (or that is how I saw her. I do not understand why after all these years she could reveal this, and i am not sure whether she has told this to anyone. I loved, no love, my dad, but right now i have such mixed feelings. My sis and I are trying to handle this, but when I expalin to her what i go through, she is going through the same emotions. I would love tomeet my half brother, but i don''t even know why! Is it curiosity or is it because i want a relationship with him, whether he knows about us, and if so why has he never tried to contact us. I feel so much pain and i when i am alone cry all the time, especially at night my mind stays on him. My sister and i are leaning on each other for support, but i worry about my half brother, who is his support, as i am sure he has some bad feelings too. Help me please. thank you. If you could respond to my email address i would be grateful.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I think you have posted this question before ( unles we heard ealier from your sister !) If not, then look back in the archives of this forum, for the previous discussion of the other very similar case.
Its not necessarily mysterious that this was kept a family secret - in those days such a birth would have been generally seen as a major disgrace and needing to be kept secret, and they could easily have convinced themselves that it would have been unhelpfully upsetting for you and your sister to know.
More curious is why your nasty aunt would have chosen to tell you now. Curioisty on your side is very natural, as is an interest in reaching and meeting this half-brother.
Don't feel pain about possibilities rather than reality - it seems you know nothing about this half-brother except that he was born - he may be miserable or very happy, and may have excellent support and a fine life. Don't assume it must be awful and feel bad about what MIGHT be.
A counsellor could help you to clarify your feelings usefully. The father you loved is indeed still the man you loved - there was, apparently, a complex and difficult episode earlier in his life, which he apparently handled in the way he thought might be best for everyone.

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Also a half-sister | 2010/05/13

Hi,

I found out by accident (when I was a teenager) that I have a half-brother. I only heard his name and nothing more. When my parents passed on (1995), I decided to search for my half-brother. It took a year to find him. He lives in Holland (where my parents immigrated from) and I went there two years ago to meet him and his family. That was the best thing I could ever do. Today he is just as much my brother as my full-blood brother whom I grew up with. I wish my dad could have the chance to get to know him, he would have been very proud. Circumstances, and his mother, resulted in him and my dad to never have contact or a relationship. Sometimes things are not as bad as they seem at first, but I guess that depends on what the real " story"  is.

Reply to Also a half-sister
Posted by: sandsthroughthehourglass | 2010/05/13

...so are the days of our lives.

Reply to sandsthroughthehourglass
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/05/13

I think you have posted this question before ( unles we heard ealier from your sister !) If not, then look back in the archives of this forum, for the previous discussion of the other very similar case.
Its not necessarily mysterious that this was kept a family secret - in those days such a birth would have been generally seen as a major disgrace and needing to be kept secret, and they could easily have convinced themselves that it would have been unhelpfully upsetting for you and your sister to know.
More curious is why your nasty aunt would have chosen to tell you now. Curioisty on your side is very natural, as is an interest in reaching and meeting this half-brother.
Don't feel pain about possibilities rather than reality - it seems you know nothing about this half-brother except that he was born - he may be miserable or very happy, and may have excellent support and a fine life. Don't assume it must be awful and feel bad about what MIGHT be.
A counsellor could help you to clarify your feelings usefully. The father you loved is indeed still the man you loved - there was, apparently, a complex and difficult episode earlier in his life, which he apparently handled in the way he thought might be best for everyone.

Reply to cybershrink

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