Posted by: Unsure | 2009-04-03

lobola assistance

i am in a loving relationsip and my bf is not as well off as i am and i love him anyway. Now, he would like to pay lobola and he asked me if i can assist? I have the money but am not sure if it' d be the right thing to do.

has anyone ever done it and how does it feel. I think that he should work hard but at the same time i want to get this over and done with as we would like to be with each other and not live in sin! please advise?

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Not a psychiaric quesion, but I'm sure some of our other wise readers can advise usefully.

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Our users say:
Posted by: nz | 2014-08-23

I agree with the others above do not marry yourself it haunt you forever

Reply to nz
Posted by: zola | 2009-04-04

hey, i think TT is right.if it was me i was going to do what TT is sying.

Reply to zola
Posted by: TT | 2009-04-03

Sisi you are not " a lot of woman"  you are YOU. And if you do get married dont compare your marriage with other people' s marriages. What works for them wont necessarily work for you.

I seems you have made up your mind about this. You sound like you will be " marrying you"  whether you get advice or not. Dont forget ukuthi uhubantu, do not over do this civilisation. Its not what you made of.

Reply to TT
Posted by: patience | 2009-04-03

it may just come back to bite you one day. to help a man pay your lobola is a NO..NO. should things not go the way you planned, he may turn it around and say married yourself!. and he would be patient. if he trally wants to marry you..he will save for it until he can agfford it.

Reply to patience
Posted by: Unsure | 2009-04-03

i hear what you are saying guys but i know of a lot of women who assisted and today they are living happily ever after!!!

Reply to Unsure
Posted by: Lerato | 2009-04-03

I have to agree with the others on this one.
Not only does assisting to pay your own lobola go against customs &  tradition, but it' s also matter of principle.

Do not do it. Besides, by the sounds of things it seems as if your boyfriend is happy with contributing little financially because he knows that you are making a lot more money than him, so why would this seemingly expected " assistance"  stop at lobola, I think you are pretty much going to be expected to pay for everything throughout your married life because he knows that you know that he is not " well off" .

Don' t do it. Let him stand up and be a man about this.

Reply to Lerato
Posted by: JN> > >  | 2009-04-03

100% agree with TT....Do not, I repeat DO NOT help him out. Even if it takes him to get a 2nd job and clean toilets, let it be.

You know when we go through heated arguements as patners, we say things that end up hurting us. There' s nothing as hurting as someone saying " anyway, you paid your own lobola that' s how desperate you were, forgetting that when he asked for assistance it was all about love.
As an african woman, where is your pride to pay for your lobola, because nomatter how it' s justified, YOU' VE PAID YOUR OWN LOBOLA.

Reply to JN&gt &gt &gt 
Posted by: ignorant | 2009-04-03

Hi guys,
pardon my ignorance please, but how does the whole lobola thing work? who is it paid to, what is it used for, what happens if the marriage fails, is it still paid in cattle?
I admit to being an ignorant fool, but am very curious about how other cultures work.

Reply to ignorant
Posted by: TT | 2009-04-03

Sister you basically want to " LOBOLA YOURSELF" . Yes hes not well off, but what you want to do is wrong, traditionally and otherwise.
My hb wasn' t earning much when he payed the lobola (but i was). He asked assistant from his family. I was impressed with the fact that he was man enough not to ask for assisstance from me. To me that showed that i will be well taken care of.

Sisi dont assist, when things are soar (and they will in a healthy relationship) he will turn and say you payed YOUR lobola and not him. Which will be true.

If you go the loan route....Lets be realistic like you said you are in a loving relationship what are the odds of getting that money back.

Dont do it. Let him sweat for what HE wants. He can save money and you can help him do that.

Reply to TT
Posted by: Unsure | 2009-04-03

Np - that' s my thought exactly - i want him to be proud that he worked hard to pay lobola, and i' ll be able to respect him even more. He says a lot of people do it and it' s not a problem but i am really confused.

Reply to Unsure
Posted by: Np | 2009-04-03

Personally I think you should help him out even if you give him the money as a loan. For him to respect you and feel proud about making you his wife, he needs to pay the lobola not you.

Reply to Np

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