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Question
Posted by: Janne | 2010-01-20

Living? with my daughter of a far stronger character

Good afternoon. I was divorced 16 years ago. My ex walked away from the children and the marriage. No contact and no maintenance. I do 4 jobs to support my children - no education for me - according to my father i was a girl and girls got married and had children. My son was 10 when his father left and my daughter 5. She was already proving to be difficult and spoke to me just as her father did (he was an alcoholic &  drug-addict - now Bi-polar). Having no support structure I decided to concentrate on the good points with my daughter rather than continuously having to fight with her and disapline her too harshly. Well that worked to a certain degree. She has a much stronger character than I do and tends to speak to harshly at times. I do understand that she has a severe hormone imbalance - inherited from her father' s family - i appreciate that this causes mood swings, etc. She has polycyctic ovarian syndrome and is quite large. Her hormones are continuously up and down - one minute her male hormones are sky high, the next her sugar levels are so high people think she is diabetic. She is continually telling me what to do and how to run my household. My son finished his honours degree in Psychology and went overseas to teach English to repay his study loan so she took over his room as her study. I do extra sewing to earn extra money and have to share my room with my worktable, materials, bed, etc. She once told me that she has to take care of me as I do not take care of myself. She is at present 21 and in her 4th year at varsity - she changed courses so has to do an extra 2 years. She also works at 2 jobs to earn extra money and bought her own car at the age of 19 with money she had saved, so I really don' t have any complaints that side. Do you have any suggestions. I really don' t have much spare money to be able to go for therapy. I am not a career woman, more a Mom, so I do not have a spectacular career. Thank you. Janne

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like you have done remarkably well in a very difficult situation, especially in earlier years when public attitudes were even less favourable or even aware of women's rights and needs, and when your ex should have been required by a maintenance court to pay to maintain his children.
It also sounds as though it would be a really good idea for your daughter to move out on her own as soon as she can afford to do so, if she continues to be so unappreciative of all your hard work for her.
If she isn't paying rent for the extra room, it's hardly fair for her to deny you the chance of using it.
I think it is important in her case and similar situations, to recognize that some of us have hormonal or chemical problems which may at times cause emotioonal challenges for us ( though in her case I'd be reluctant to assme all these complex chemical problems unless they have ben diagnosed after etailed assessment and investigation by an endocrinologist / medical specialist )- but that we as individuals are responsible for how we choose to behave when emotionally upset by whatever cause - physical / chemical problems are not a blanket excuse for behaving any way we please and ignoring the feelings and needs of others

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Our users say:
Posted by: Janne | 2010-01-20

Thank you. I appreciate your comments. She has been officially diagnosed as having Pollycystic Ovarian Syndrome and is been assesed every 6 months by a gynaechologist. We do not like endocrinologists. We went to see one and he diagnosed a new epilepsy medication for my daughter who hadn' t had a seizure in about 12 years and she started having severe panic attacks which resulted in a visit to casualty and eventually on having an EEG done, she was diagnosed as no longer being epileptic but had to be on medication for anxiety. She is now on an anti depressant and is a lot better.

Reply to Janne
Posted by: Red | 2010-01-20

I salute you as a mother. Well done. I think you can be proud.

Reply to Red
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-01-20

Sounds like you have done remarkably well in a very difficult situation, especially in earlier years when public attitudes were even less favourable or even aware of women's rights and needs, and when your ex should have been required by a maintenance court to pay to maintain his children.
It also sounds as though it would be a really good idea for your daughter to move out on her own as soon as she can afford to do so, if she continues to be so unappreciative of all your hard work for her.
If she isn't paying rent for the extra room, it's hardly fair for her to deny you the chance of using it.
I think it is important in her case and similar situations, to recognize that some of us have hormonal or chemical problems which may at times cause emotioonal challenges for us ( though in her case I'd be reluctant to assme all these complex chemical problems unless they have ben diagnosed after etailed assessment and investigation by an endocrinologist / medical specialist )- but that we as individuals are responsible for how we choose to behave when emotionally upset by whatever cause - physical / chemical problems are not a blanket excuse for behaving any way we please and ignoring the feelings and needs of others

Reply to cybershrink

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