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Question
Posted by: mikky | 2010/09/27

living arrangements

My bf and I have been dating for 3 years. It hasnt been a smooth 3 years by any means. Im 32 and he is 36. I live in a small flat and he lives in a fancy house. We see each other 5 or 6 nights out of 7 and its almost always at his house which means Im forever packing my bags and trekking over there, which is only a few minutes away.

My problem is this 1) why wont he just ask me to live with him if Im there 90% of the time anyway
2) the situation stresses me out, I feel like I dont have a place to call home (1 night a week at my place doesnt make it home). So I suggested we spend some time at my place to eleviate the burden on me a little. He just cant do it. Its too small, I dont have dstv, and basically his place is more comfortable.

We fight on this issue all the time. I feel ike our lives have to be scheduled in order to see each other. Isnt living together the simplest option where we are both just around doing on our thing and living day to day life without the hassle of packing bags, and working out when we have free time to see each other.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You raise some excellent questions - why not discuss them directly with him ? Does he really genuinely consider he is having or will continue to have, a close relationship with you ? Or are you being one of the many conveniences and facilities he enjoys, like DSTV ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2010/09/27

Do you think moving in with him - let alone getting married, would make your relationship more ''plain sailing''? And have you asked yourself whether you would in fact get married to him should he ask knowing how things have been going for the past 3 years? Just ask yourself some questions too ... maybe it''s time for some intraspection, in that lays your answer ...

Reply to Anon
Posted by: mikky | 2010/09/27

Yup - By his own admission, if a guy doesnt know within two years then he will never know, But in the same vein, things havent been smooth sailing and we havent gone a month without an argument over the living arrangement.

Its like he is having his cake and eating it, He cant see that if he sorted the living arrangement out perhaps I would settle down and wouldnt argue about the schlep of living in two homes. Chicken and egg anyone????

Reply to mikky
Posted by: lizard | 2010/09/27

they say if a man does''nt ask you to marry him by three years, he''s holding out in case he meets someone else

Reply to lizard
Posted by: dw | 2010/09/27

You have spoilt him from the start. I do this too because in the beginning you want to see him and please him, therefore go out of your way. But after a while it becomes a pain and you start regretting it. However, he is comfortable with the arrangements as it never puts him out. Talk to him about it!!

Reply to dw
Posted by: leo | 2010/09/27

why cant he just marry u and get it over with? 3yrs is a long time

Reply to leo
Posted by: qwerty | 2010/09/27

Have you actually discussed moving in together with him, or is it something you think should come from him? It sounds like the only alternative to this arrangement you mentioned to him was him spending the night at your place?

If this is the case, perhaps you should bring up moving in together..? As you say, you''re basically living together already...

On the one hand you can say he''s selfish for not taking into consideration the amount of packing and schlepping around you need to do... On the other hand you can say he''s being practical in wanting you both to share the most comfortable of the 2 spaces. Talk to him!

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/09/27

You raise some excellent questions - why not discuss them directly with him ? Does he really genuinely consider he is having or will continue to have, a close relationship with you ? Or are you being one of the many conveniences and facilities he enjoys, like DSTV ?

Reply to cybershrink

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