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Question
Posted by: Minx | 2012-01-18

Little son''s death last year

My little boy passed away last Jan from kidney failure. With his death anniversay coming up next year, I am feeling so scared, so sad. I am struggling to focus at work, because I just can''t handle being here.

My husband thinks I am a drama queen. Doesn''t see why I have to feel this way. I have other kids, so why do I dwell on the one that I lost &  think about him.

How can I not. He was a baby, but I loved him none the less than my oldest child. I watched him in a period of a month get so sick, go into a comatose state &  die. I was even with him once when his heart stopped &  he had to be resuscitated.

My heart feels so broken right now. I am trying so hard to keep it all in, not cry, not bring attention to myself, not upset others or make them uncomfortable. I go home &  pretend that I am over with feeling sad over my son''s death. I cannot show any sort of grief or sadness at home as it irritates my husband.

My husband doesn''t want me to even have a pic of our son in the house. Says I must remember him in my heart. He asked me why I want a pic of my baby. Why do I want to keep this wound open when I must forget it now.

Am I crazy? Are my feelings normal? Is it normal to feel this pain, especially now, when it is almost a year? Should I have already gotten over all of this a long time ago?

I am tired of trying to explain to him that this was my child &  it hurt me so much to see him in this condition &  watch him slip away.

Am I just being stupid?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Grief is hard work, and anniversaries can be especially difficult times. You are normal, and not at all a drama queen. People differ in how they deal with grief, and some try to ignore it and deny it, though in the end this usually doesn't work out for them as well as they expect it to. YOur husband is in denial, especially when you describe him not wanting pictures of your child in the home, and getting angry when you show grief, which you hav every right to do.
Suppressing this as he seems to be suggesting is more likely to keep the wound open and unhealed than mourning and grieving in a more natural way, as you do.
YOu are absolutely not crazy, or stupid in any way whatsoever. Grief usually takes at least a year to begin to resolve, and in your situation this has almos certainly been delayed by your husband's response which is by far more unusual and unhelpful.
And a proper resolution of one's grief is not about forgetting the person one lost, or pretending they never existed, hiding their pictures and avoiding talking of them, but in moving towards remembering all the happy aspects of that relationship, rather than being focussed so completely on the loss and the bitter sadness.
Do arrange to see a personal counsellor with experience of grief, to help you continue to work through this, and to deal with your husband's inability to grieve normally and to face facts.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: cindy | 2012-01-23

Minx my mom died 7mnths ago, i know it is not the same as losing a child. My heart goes out to you. God gave me the strenght to carry on. I know some day I will see her again....in Heaven. Good luck. xxx

Reply to cindy
Posted by: Minx | 2012-01-19

Thank you. I just started to feel as is something must be wrong with me if I am not totally over this in a year. I keep getting told that I should have moved on, forget about it, you have 3 other kids so be grateful you still have them........

I started asking myself why I haven''t been thinking this way. People around me as well tell me to be thankful for what I have &  to forget what i have lost. As a mother, who could do nothing to help her child, and watched each day get more ill, it just is hard. Someone said atleast he was just a baby. makes no difference to me whether he was a month old or 20yrs old.

Reply to Minx
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-01-18

Grief is hard work, and anniversaries can be especially difficult times. You are normal, and not at all a drama queen. People differ in how they deal with grief, and some try to ignore it and deny it, though in the end this usually doesn't work out for them as well as they expect it to. YOur husband is in denial, especially when you describe him not wanting pictures of your child in the home, and getting angry when you show grief, which you hav every right to do.
Suppressing this as he seems to be suggesting is more likely to keep the wound open and unhealed than mourning and grieving in a more natural way, as you do.
YOu are absolutely not crazy, or stupid in any way whatsoever. Grief usually takes at least a year to begin to resolve, and in your situation this has almos certainly been delayed by your husband's response which is by far more unusual and unhelpful.
And a proper resolution of one's grief is not about forgetting the person one lost, or pretending they never existed, hiding their pictures and avoiding talking of them, but in moving towards remembering all the happy aspects of that relationship, rather than being focussed so completely on the loss and the bitter sadness.
Do arrange to see a personal counsellor with experience of grief, to help you continue to work through this, and to deal with your husband's inability to grieve normally and to face facts.

Reply to cybershrink

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