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Question
Posted by: Concerned | 2011/07/04

Little Sister

My little sister now 16, was 3 years old when our mom passed away. She hasnt really known any parent as my father started dating soon after my mom''s death. A couple of years ago, when she was just13 i found pictures of her private parts on her phone which she was sending to people on mxit.I confronted her about this telling her about the big bad world and how she should respect her body etc. When i asked her why she was doing it she started crying and telling me that she wants attention because none of her sisters love her and she doesnt have a mom.I told her that i love her and she said that i am so far (i live in another city) and she cant talk to me everyday. She has now dropped out of school, is involved with gangsters and really has given up on life. She has also started stealing. When asked why she says that she steals to live because no one buys her toiletries, and they have written her off at home so they dont even give her a plate of food to eat. Now she says that its better to come live with me because she will at least have the basics. What do i do, i am torn - My dad doesnt really care. Should i try giving her a new start with repurcussions if she does anything wrong. I just feel that she is so young to be making the wrong choices.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Simply wanting attention and feeling unloved, is hardly a convincing explanation for sending pictures of one's genitals to strangers ( does she even understand that people she meets on Mixit ARE total strangers ? ) Does she really think that toiletries are so essential to remaining alive, that stealing them is justified ? She is indeed far too young to be making so many foolish and self-damaging decisions. IF you want her to come and stay with you for a while, it probably ought to be, as you suggest, with a clear, written-down set of rules and consequences for breaking them. And arrange, if you can, for her to see a counsellot, to sort out her apparently odd ideas about how life works, and the self-defeating way she seems to fel victimized and justified in doing things that are bad for herself and others

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6
Our users say:
Posted by: Jane | 2011/07/05

She''s so young, she deserves a chance to succeed in life. If you able to give her that chance.

Reply to Jane
Posted by: Al | 2011/07/04

I agree with Candy - also it will help if she moves to another place where you are. If you do decide to help her set rules from day one with consequences for not adhering spelt out. Get her tested for drugs and HIV as well as counselling

Reply to Al
Posted by: Truth | 2011/07/04

If your dad really does not care and you are willing and able to take her in l think it would be best if she lived with u.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Candy | 2011/07/04


Hi,

I think that you would be giving her a second lease on life if she had to live with you. When I was her age I was doing some of the same things for some of the same reasons. Her reasons for doing what she is doing are valid because her situation at home is obviously having a MAJOR negative impact on her, and even if it is for the completely wrong reasons, she is getting attention (which she may feel validated from) from the gangsters and people on Mxit. She doesn’ t know or doesn’ t care if she’ s making the wrong choices and she doesn’ t have the proper guidance to show her otherwise. If her family at home has indeed written her off, not even feeding her, that is abuse and she HAS to get out of that. Your sister’ s well being is the most important thing and if your father doesn’ t care, well then there may be no resistance from his side if you had to take her in. If you have a feeling there would be, then it may be best to go through the proper channels, child welfare. She needs counseling, seriously. Personal experience tells me that if she doesn’ t, it will affect her for the rest of her life (no exaggeration). My heart cries for her because I have been there, I had no help and I know how bad it can get- it is a VERY dark place to be and I wouldn’ t wish it on anyone. Would money be a problem if she had to live with you? There is always a way if it is.

Reply to Candy
Posted by: Lee | 2011/07/04

It is commendable that you are willing to take your sister in and I think that this would be the right decision. She deserves a chance to improve her life and get away from the bad influences. You have to realise, however, that you cannot do this without her commitment
and further support. She would have to agree to counseling. She musst also complete and work hard at school. You will have to follow up on her and she must allow you to do this. You may also need counseling in dealing with a teenager who is probably more world-wise than most. The ways of gangs and lying around and stealing is going to be a challenge for her to break, that is why she has to be kept busy at school and allow you to folow up on her progress at school.Best wishes to both of you,

Reply to Lee
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/07/04

Simply wanting attention and feeling unloved, is hardly a convincing explanation for sending pictures of one's genitals to strangers ( does she even understand that people she meets on Mixit ARE total strangers ? ) Does she really think that toiletries are so essential to remaining alive, that stealing them is justified ? She is indeed far too young to be making so many foolish and self-damaging decisions. IF you want her to come and stay with you for a while, it probably ought to be, as you suggest, with a clear, written-down set of rules and consequences for breaking them. And arrange, if you can, for her to see a counsellot, to sort out her apparently odd ideas about how life works, and the self-defeating way she seems to fel victimized and justified in doing things that are bad for herself and others

Reply to cybershrink

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