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Question
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-10-29

Little Demon

Hi

My bf’ s niece is such a rude little, disrespectful little twit I just cannot take the kid!
She is 4yrs old. He obviously loves her to bit and think she’ s the sweetest thing on the planet.
The rest of the family too but she is just plain rude.
I love kids and I can tolerate naughtiness but rudeness is another thing.
He knows I do not like the child and I stay away from his place just so I won’ t have to see her.
The thing is he wants me there and thinks that I do not like his family, which is not the case.
I just hate being there and having to sit through her tantrums, hitting her grandparents, throwing her food around, screaming at whom she likes, and just doing as she pleases.
I can’ t speak to her mom about her, I mean that’ s none of my business and every mom thinks their child is an angel. Although she does scold her when she does these things and still continues.
I can’ t help but to feel hate for this child and I keep reminding myself she is only but a child.
Then she gives this sweet little smile and plays with her hair pretending to be this angel and if it was any other child my heart would just melt but I just see the demon in her.
So do you suggest I just stay away? I mean there’ s nothing much I could do and it would save us lots of arguments too but it prevents me from getting to know his family and spend time with them which I would not mind.
I also cannot ask them to keep her away from me while I am there it is her home.
I so cannot stand this child!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

She sounds like a horribly spoiled brat, specializing in looking cute when this is rewarding for her.
Sit down calmly with your bf and explain that you see this child the way most normal people would, as a nasty spoiled brat, and genuinely don't like meeting her at all. And the relationship you want to have is with him, not with his niece. The horrible behaviour you describe SHOULD worry them, a lot, and there's something wrong with the family that they put up with this. Think carefully about whether you want to get involved with such a dysfunctional family.
I disagree with Sunny - this is NOT how any normal 4 year-old behaves, with proper discipline in the home. Nene has discovered this, and how to provide the child with needed structure. NOT disciplining a child is a form of child abuse. I disagree, too, with Mother of 4 year old - whe the child is in your presence, her bad behaviour IS your business. Only when alone in its own home or with its incompetent mother, is the child's behaviour their business.
As Purple mentions, very simple and well-tested methods can bring this bad behaviour under control. In your home, she must keep to your rules. And giving attention only when she behaves well, is part of a useful response

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sunny | 2009-10-30

Kelly I know how you feel.

My first boy is the sweetest child you could imagine. Everywhere we used to go with him everyone commented about how disciplined he is.

Then my sencond boy, gosh he is too much, we have tried all the disciplinary method suitable for his age but failed. I can' t go with him to rasturants or anywhere.

I used to be judgemental to parents when I see their kids behave like that.

What I' m trying to say is that this is how a 4yo normally behave.

Reply to Sunny
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-10-30

I think worse in your case because you cant actually avoid her lol! Whereas I can.
Wonder where CS is today and what keeping him so busy...
I sometimes make all these excuses up in my head about why she is like that and try to be understanding but really she is the pits and yip she has tried smacking me too and I grabbed her little hands just in time.
Since then I just overlook the little imp and pretend she' s not there when I am around.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Kristen | 2009-10-30

Kelly you wont believe this I have the same issue! My hubby' s niece (4 yr old) is exactly the same. I call her " The Terror"  Little manipulative brat that has no manners, slaps her parents her grandmother - she tried it with me and before she could hit I grabbed her hand and said if you hit me I will hit you back! you little brat. I cant stand her. It' s so sad she is like a carbon copy of her stupid mother. She comes over to my place(we live in the granny flat) and demands I make her pasta and give her junk food. She goes to my junk stash and helps herself. She really is a little DEMON. Talk about angel in disguise. You know what Kelly your child will never be the same because I' m sure you
are respectful and have manners, something you will pass onto your children In this kids case her mom is a manipultive, scheming, ill mannered person hence her child turned out the same. As the saying goes - the apple doesn' t fall far from the tree.

Reply to Kristen
Posted by: Nene | 2009-10-30

Hi Kelly

I know what you talking about, I have cousin whose child-a boy behaves like that and mind youI have a 3 year old,who knows that doing something mommy doesnt like will lend you in trouble. This boy of my cousin, he has no sense of this is not my home,he opens fridges, climb on top the sofas does everything that will annoy you, I on the other hand was very strict the second time he visited, and in front of his mommy. He opened a fridge and I warned him that if he ever does that,the will be hell to pay. My son asks when he needs not take. And ver time when he was around my son would cry,and I gave him a very strict warnigthat if he creis, he will also cry. His mom says she gave in,and she said we must raise our kids the way we see best. But in my house he will do what I want I told his mom.

My son also tried to throw tantrum after he had visited and I made sure that he doesnt behave that way,and he undestood me.And 3 as my son is, if I shout, he tells me calmy not to shout at him and that taught me to treat my son not only as a child but as a person who can hear and uderstand the wrong things. But also spaking is done when necessary not always and knows that you dont swear or hit another person.

Reply to Nene
Posted by: Mom of three | 2009-10-30

9 year old, 7 year old, 2 year old. NONE of my kids has EVER hit an adult!!! By the age of 4, a child ought to be past the terrible two' s. And saying it' s not your business or your place to say or do something is precisely what is WRONG in our society today! This is WHY kids are robbing, raping and killing - because mommy says, angel don' t fight.

I suggest you go down to her level and say in a strict voice - NO, you do not hit grown ups, or NO, you don' t fight. If you consistently do this, either your BF' s sister will realise that her child is in danger of becoming out of control, or she will tell you to back off, in which case you can tell her straight up that you think her daughter is a terror. SPOILT is just that. I throw spoilt food out, but what about a child?

It is everybody' s responsibility to make sure that our children, who are the future, are raised to be effective and functioning members of society. We are all responsible. The sooner everyone realizes this, the better.

Reply to Mom of three
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-10-30

Well how it affects me is putting me totally off going to my bf' s house and getting to know his family.
So I stay away, problem solved but my bf does not like this and we usually argue about it.
I guess it will and I know kids can be naughty, I mean I allow them that but I also thing there is a fine line between naughty and plain rudeness.
I also do realize that at that age you cannot just tell them what to do and expect them to listen.

If I do have kids no one would despise them beacuse I would so make sure that they know they should respect other people.
I have made friends with her before and played with her etc then she would pretend that I hurt her and go crying to her mom.
She is wicked!

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Mother of 4 year old | 2009-10-30

Kelly, you are right in saying it is none of your business! How dos this poor little 4 year old' s behaviour affect you anyway? Your attitute will change the day when you have your own kids and then I hope there is not someone that despise your kids as you do to this little girl. Maybe try to make friends with her and try to understand how 4 year olds behave. Maybe you can learn something for when you have a brat of your own. It is not always possible to discipline your kids in other people' s company. These parents should try " time-out"  with this little girl.

Reply to Mother of 4 year old
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-10-30

I honestly feel like spanking the little brat when she' s like that!
Gosh I know you right, perhaps they all like this but if I had a child I would def. no allow it the way they do.I mean she even smacked her grandfather in the face and he done nothing.
Just scold her out saying not to do that again and then she went on to find something else to destroy.
Forget about playing with her I actually want nothing to do with her at all.
The thing is I have baby sat many kids and not once have I come across one this rude.
She fights with other kids and hits them too and she is way smaller than them, then she runs to her mom who tels her '  do not fight my angel'  I then just feel like strangling her.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Purple | 2009-10-30

That is pretty normal behaviour for a four year old, though it doesn'  t sound like they are handling it too well.

If you ever have children, your child is going to behave in exactly the same way, however, by removing them from adult company for a time out when they behave like this, rewarding good behaviour, and being consistent, you will get it under control and be able to nip these normal pre-schooler out bursts in the bud.

Sorry, no idea what you can do about the family.
What you can do about the child is that when she is in your home, you can tell her that your house has no hitting and no throwing food rules and that if she does these things you will take her out the room until she calms down. Often children at this age play for the audience, so that will ruin her attention getting ploy. Playing with her a lot when she is behaving well will also give her the positive attention she needs for behaving well.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009-10-30

She sounds like a horribly spoiled brat, specializing in looking cute when this is rewarding for her.
Sit down calmly with your bf and explain that you see this child the way most normal people would, as a nasty spoiled brat, and genuinely don't like meeting her at all. And the relationship you want to have is with him, not with his niece. The horrible behaviour you describe SHOULD worry them, a lot, and there's something wrong with the family that they put up with this. Think carefully about whether you want to get involved with such a dysfunctional family.
I disagree with Sunny - this is NOT how any normal 4 year-old behaves, with proper discipline in the home. Nene has discovered this, and how to provide the child with needed structure. NOT disciplining a child is a form of child abuse. I disagree, too, with Mother of 4 year old - whe the child is in your presence, her bad behaviour IS your business. Only when alone in its own home or with its incompetent mother, is the child's behaviour their business.
As Purple mentions, very simple and well-tested methods can bring this bad behaviour under control. In your home, she must keep to your rules. And giving attention only when she behaves well, is part of a useful response

Reply to cybershrink

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