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Question
Posted by: Helpless | 2012-09-10

Life is getting to me

Hi.

I am a 30year old mom to a 18 month old extremely active toddler. My husband was diagnosed with a heart condition a few months back and cannot exert himself as he tires very easily. I work full time. I just feel like my life is spiralling out of control.

I get about 5 hours of sleep a night due to my child waking/crying at night. Everyday is a constant rush for me to cook, to see to my husband and child. I dont watch tv or read a book/magazine ( toddler tears my books).

I am also trying to lose weight but I dont have the time to exercise. I try to wake up at 04:30am to exercise but then my son also decides to wake up, then I have to abandon my efforts and try to get him to sleep whilst trying not to disturb my hubby.

In the afternoon, as soon as I arrive home, I start cooking for my son and arranging things for the next day. I put my son to bed at 7pm but he only sleep at around 9pm, then only can i go shower and by then I am totally exhausted but I only fall asleep around 10:30-11:00..

Also when hubby''s family come to visit (they stayover almost every month!!!! - they live in another province), they expect me to carry over responsiblities of being the MAN of the house. There is only so much that i can do. They fail to realise that i am also a human being. I am so close to losing my temper and snapping at them.

Life is so upleasant for me. I just live from day to day, hoping the next day will be better but it never is. I just feel like I''m at the end of my rope. I''ve been waking up with pounding headaches.

I do not forsee any hope. I even lost faith in God. I grew up as a christian but now feel totally abandoned by God.

This life has become to much for me to bear. I live on the edge constantly not knowing whether my husband will be awake the next morning, I also berate myself for taking out my frustations my son. I yell at him to keep quiet. I feel like i am losing my mind.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry to hear about this, no wonder you're exhausted. It's nonsense for your husband's family to expect to stay with you every month ---unless they do so to lighten your load, by sharing child-care and household chores so mas to give you a rest. To add to your burden is absolutely unaceptable.
There needs to be a good long discussion with the Cardiologist ( a GP's pinion is not enough ) to make sure what precisely is wrong with his heart, and to what extent it should limit his abilities to carry out the routine chores of life--- it's too easy for someone to hear a heart diagnosis and give up and expect to spen his life sitting on his bottom and taking it easy --- which is usually far more damaging to his heart than modest exercise. I'd be surprised if the heart specialis doesn;t WANT him to be more acive every day. He should be able to help with child care, cleaning, cooking and household chores.
It's not good for him or you to keep expecting him to drop dead at any monent --- that way he spends all his time waiting to die ( and it could be many years ahead ) and no time living, or helping you to live enjoyably.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: leila | 2012-09-13

@XX i am so sorry to hear about the baby.
Nobody should be expected to take care of all the household chores and child –  care matters by themselves. Firstly because it is not only your children. As a father he should be involved, he should be helping with the kids. It’ s not a favor to you, it’ s his duty. Ignore his comments and criticism. The thing about black ladies being able to do everything is a lie. Everybody needs help. I use all my resources. Even the small kids get to help with everyday tasks. My son is 6, he gets to give the dogs their water and he packs away his toys and helps with taking care of the garden. The bigger boys do the dishes and feeds the animals. They even cook sometimes (under supervision). The husband gets his turn to cook and to bath the little one. I only really clean over the weekends. During the week I just pull things straight and sweep. Remember people only do whatever we allow them. Tell him “ sure you can do the kid on the hip and back thing but you don’ t want to.”  And why should you have to while he is there. Don’ t fight just be firm and tell him that you are in a 50/50 partnership.
good luck

Reply to leila
Posted by: leila | 2012-09-13

@ Helpless... can you afford to get help? Even if it is just someone that can do the laundry once a week. Take a time out for yourself even if it is only a 30 minute break every day. I am sure dad can look after the toddler for 30 minutes. Tell the family that they are welcome to visit if they will clean the house and cook while they are there. Then you don''t have to come from work and still do these things. That way you will be able to enjoy having them there and all of you can enjoy a meal together.

About the exercising... ever thought about doing it in the afternoon instead of the morning. When you try to put your son to bed put him in the stroller or on your back and take a brisk walk or a jog. Do only as much or as little as you feel. No need to polish the floors every day. Nothing will happen if you leave a cup or 2 in the sink. Good luck and remember nothing is put in our path that we are not able to handle. These are challenges that will help us to become stronger people.

Reply to leila
Posted by: Mia | 2012-09-11

Hi helpless, I''m sorry to hear about your dilemma, but I agree with everyone else. A heart condition should not stop your husband from doing certain activities. And most importantly, stop him from spending quality time with the little one. Concerning you excersize problem. Some moms take their babies with them jogging or to the park. And work out. I know I''ve seen a mom doing push ups, while her son was lying down on the blanket in the park.

@XX, your husband seems to be rather, emotionally abusing you. You can''t see it. But he is in every single way trying to belittle you. One baby is hard as it is, and with twins it''s fourfolds the hard work. Your husband should read the article of pippie, this should be an eye opener for any parent. Your husband is mean, and cruel. I would''ve snapped already and told him to go find himself a black women than! Since he keeps rubbing it in your face you are not black. But, I admire your strength and couragement, in fact I admire every women who has children, and seems to be holding together on their own. Goodluck to you and helpless.

Reply to Mia
Posted by: XX | 2012-09-10

My life is similar. I have 3 kids, two of them younger than 2 yrs. I have no time for myself. I get home and start cooking, help the older kid with school work and then try to spend time with the younger ones. I have no time to exercise.

I am constantly exhausted &  I ma expected to have everything together. My husband thinks I am lazy because I can''t cope with the kids all by myself over the weekends. Try cooking with two toddlers clinging to you. They need and want constant attention. I find I feel that life is spirally out of control as well.

Hubby helps with the kids, but it also comes with criticism because I cant do it myself. I take care of a lot of things at home.i am expected to. We lost a child last year. A week later, hubby brought me a box of medical bills that he printed &  asked em to sort them out. I was so grief stricken, but I had to do it. It needed to be done.

There is nothing physically wrong with my hubby. But he has expectations. He is black &  I am not. I get told things like, a black woman would be able to carry one child on the hip &  the other on the back &  cook. Or a black woman would be able to take care of her children all on her own &  not be stressed out like me.

Reply to XX
Posted by: Phil | 2012-09-10

Lady  a heart condition doesn''t mean he must now stop doing the little things like helping with the kids or doing things around the house? Or becoming like a todler int he house  cos it seems that you treat him same as the todler?

Reply to Phil

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