advertisement
Question
Posted by: marlene | 2010/03/29

Life is fast becoming unbearable

Dear Doc - I am 38 years old - have 2 sons, the best boys ever. My problem .....my husband of 12 years hss never supported me financially. He has never been able to hold down a job.He is always getting fired. Everytime we get together in a group of friends we have to explain that he is STILL not working. Everything financial has to come out of my pocket - I cannot handle it anymore. Whenever I try to talk to him he says he know how difficult it must be for me and that he is trying - I am not seeing results. The elder boy is in school and the baby is in playgroup. Everything costs. He is at home the entire day - not sure if he has friends over - I suspect it though - I feel so down by this situation I cannot get myself be myself. I am not the person I used to be - I get up in the morning and reflect on my life and it is enough to make me dig a hole in the ground and bury my head in it. I feel so out of it I feel like I am neglecting my boys when I should be giving them my 100% attention - I do not even have 50. I cannot stand my husband but I pretend all the time for the sake of peace in the house. I need help

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm not sure how staying at home all day is an effecive way of job hunting. I find often part of the problem is that the person aims too high. When you have been out of work for some time, it's important to accumulate work experience on your CV ; it's easier to get a better job once you already have a job. So he should try to find a job, even if it's far less tha the job he'd like to spend his life in, and work his way up from there. Very few people will hire a guy long out of work to start as MD !

And if you are understandably busy, surely he has loads of time to be with and support the kids.

Any chance of some marriage counselling sessions to see what can be achieved that way ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: MARLENE | 2010/03/30

Thanks guys for talking to me - Well he has not been contstantly out of work for 12 years - he has been in and out of too many jobs in that time - can''t hold down a job for more than a few months - as for pride - it obviously does not exist in his vocab - I like the way Phil says a woman wants a man she can feel secure with - if only such a statement came from my my husbands head - there is nothing I wouldn''t give to have him think like that - I want so badly for him to get his pride back - I want so badly for my life to be normal - i do not care how much he brings home - i just want him out there everyday making a difference

Reply to MARLENE
Posted by: Phil | 2010/03/29

Not to be funny, and I know it is tough for a male to get a job sometimes. But you mention that he has been this way for 12years. So he doesn''t have pride. A woman want''s a man that she could feel secure with, and I don''t mean to take care of her. Both parties needs to do their bit these days, but it goes deeper. Like you said, you can''t even look at him anymore. He needs to get his pride back, become a man again and make his woman feel proud of him, and his kids be proud of who and what he has become in life. Good luck...

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/03/29

Hi Marlene,

I was about to say you have an awesome husband for taking care of the kids like that, but I saw you mentioning that you don''t own your own home. That is something to worry about. 12 years is long enough time to get to know someone. He knows he can and will get away with being dependent.

You are right about giving him ultimatum (I don''t mean leaving him). I mean put your foot down. Cut out all the financial assistance which is directly for him simply because you don''t afford it.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: marlene | 2010/03/29

We have tried marriage counselling - helped for a while - our counsellor told me that I need to be patient and that at some point he will support me. It was unfair of me not to mention this but where he lacks in supporting me financially he makes up in the kids - he is a great father to them - he gets up for the grade 4 - makes sure he is all ready for school and neatly dressed - lunches packed and so forth - then the baby would get up - he would sort him out and drop him off at playschool - BUT BUT BUT - this is not his responsilbility - he is a man - he needs to go out there - find a job - make a future for the kids - we are married for 12 years now and do not own our own home. I look at him and see a man that cannot support his family. He has been at home since September last year. I am losing focus at work i cannot concentrate I am making costly mistakes. I have already been called in about this. If I loose my job then what....I am on the verge of giving him an ultimatum - 30 days and I am going..............

Reply to marlene
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/03/29

I'm not sure how staying at home all day is an effecive way of job hunting. I find often part of the problem is that the person aims too high. When you have been out of work for some time, it's important to accumulate work experience on your CV ; it's easier to get a better job once you already have a job. So he should try to find a job, even if it's far less tha the job he'd like to spend his life in, and work his way up from there. Very few people will hire a guy long out of work to start as MD !

And if you are understandably busy, surely he has loads of time to be with and support the kids.

Any chance of some marriage counselling sessions to see what can be achieved that way ?

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement